A river cuts through a rock not because of its power, but because of its persistence.
So, because I do not want anyone to think for even two seconds that getting fit and losing a lot of weight was oh-so-easy for me, or I know some sort of magic spell or that it was anything other than hard, consistent work... this blog post is dedicated to everyone slogging through the mire trying to reach their goals.
The last part of this last year, I worked out almost every single day. During that time, my back went out about 3 times -once for almost a week. I caught the flu. My asthma was a daily aggravation. A black hole of depression kicked in in December I almost didn't pull out of. I was always tired.
Still, I showed up unless it was physically impossible. Honestly, most days, I really think I showed up out of pure habit. The mornings I simply did not want to get out of bed, I told myself, "If you show up today, you will probably show up tomorrow. If you don't show up today, you will probably skip tomorrow, too."
There were very few highs and a lot of frustration. I had LOVED lifting heavy, and had to completely stop that for almost 4 months in the name of good back health. Same for punching the bag. Control burns in the area made even hiking outside an exercise in hurting lungs and days of coughing fits. I felt like I was having to rethink everything about my exercise plan almost every week.
It became a game of, "Well, what can I do today?" One day I was SURE I was ready to start punching again, so my trainer said, "Before you grab your gloves, just make the motions like you are punching something." I did and the pain that shot through my back and legs reminded me my back was still healing.
At the same time, my food intake was all over the board. For September and October, I lived on cookies. I'm not exaggerating. My food goal was no longer "eating clean." The seemingly impossible goal was following the simple original instructions from two years before: Eat protein every time you eat, track your food, avoid eating dessert without eating a real meal first. Just eat real food. Some days, I did not manage that.
Then there were the days I didn't really eat at all. I was too absorbed in work or too tired or just didn't feel like making the effort.
My point is, my life didn't put itself on hold while I was trying to be healthy. Most days I really did wonder why I was still working out so much. I knew deep down that was the one structure that kept me able to tackle everything else going on. No matter what, I had to show up. Slow, weak, angry, sad -what mattered was just showing up. By the time I finished, I usually had an attitude adjustment, but even when that didn't happen, I knew I was doing something good for myself. I had to believe it even when I didn't FEEL it.
It's been over a month since the last time my back went out. I'm better, lifting weights again and able to run without my lower back protesting. Still, it seemed most days I was exercising out of habit to prep for this 5K I committed to on a whim.
The 5K was this past weekend and was a shot in the arm. I ran well, I had fun, it was exciting and social and beautiful -clear air and gorgeous temps. It reminded me how much fun I used to have seeing what my body could do trying new things. I left the race feeling a sort of energy I hadn't felt in months.
I'm still on a high from it, and looking back, that saving grace from last year was that I just kept showing up. I may be slow and emotional and unfocused and imperfect, but I am tenacious.
I think that is what really got me where I was going -just getting out of bed and making the attempt. When I failed to hit the mark, I tried again.
I guess that is what I am really trying to say. It won't happen without bumps in the road and slipping backward and falling down and crying and being mad... but one day, you find yourself running under a heartbreakingly beautiful sky and it all comes together for a while.
A river cuts through a rock not because of its power, but because of its persistence.
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