Being Me

So, one of the very hardest things to learn to do is to be oneself.  That seems a wee bit nutty, right?  I mean, who else are we if not ourselves?

Sometimes we get so tied in knots trying to be what we think other people want us to be that we forget that it does not actually MATTER what anyone else wants us to be.  The big question really is, What is God's intention for our lives?

I spent much of my life thinking I was weird and feeling a bit out of step with pretty much everyone around me.  Because I felt weird, I assumed everyone else thought that, too, and sometimes I acted in ways that reinforced that wall between me and other people.

As a full fledged grown up (when that happened, I'm not exactly sure) I've come to realize that I was pretty much way off in others' perceptions of me. I spent too much time agonizing over my shortcomings and not nearly enough time spreading the joy blooming from my talents.

Last week, during a telephone call with a friend I haven't spoken to in YEARS, she said, "I miss your optimism.  When we worked together, you saw all the problems, and then saw past them to what could be done.  You make good things happen!"

Someone I work with now said something similar a while ago, "You make things happen for us!"

At book club this weekend, I mentioned I LOVE the idea of chucking it all and heading into the wilderness or living homeless on a beach.  "The problem is, though, is that after a while, I would start organizing all the homeless people and we'd be pooling our resources and find a place to rent. And eventually we'd all have health insurance and a community garden... I suck at drifting."

A man on the beach in San Diego once told me I sparkle.  Another person here in Flagstaff (also likely homeless, I meet a lot of people who drift a bit) told me that I am fire.

Sparkles and fire are good things, but that can be scary.  I know for a fact it irritated the hell out of the nuns I lived with (You walk into a room and there are firecrackers! Dial it down!) Fire can be warm and welcoming and beautiful, or out of control, raging, frightening.  Intensity can be exhausting for everyone.

When my powers are used for good, beautiful things happen.  When used in anger, well, let's just say I light my path by the bridges I've burned.

And of course, Love is the key.  When I am a steady fire burning with God's love, there is light and love for all.  When I am a raging wildfire of fear, the scorched earth takes a long time to heal.

So my prayer for this day, and this Lent, is a fire that radiates God's love, peace and healing forgiveness.

Happy Lent, y'all!