Be The Cool Person

It is no secret (mostly because I talk about it a lot) that my childhood had a fair number of challenges.  Every kid handles it differently.  I internalized a lot of it and felt worthless, etc., for a very long time.

One time -I forget if it was in college or my last year of high school, a few of us were talking about our career aspirations.  I was constantly changing my mind about life at that point and it seemed like everyone around me had their paths all planned out.

I said, "I think it would be so cool to be journalist*.  You'd get to meet all these cool people!"

and my brother, Robert, said, "Why don't you just BE one of the cool people and do something awesome with your life?"

(As you can see, he has always been the bigger thinker and dreamer.  When I was 4 and playing with my imaginary horse in the back yard and calculating the cost of hay, he (age 6) was building a space ship in my "meadow" and felt genuinely let down when he couldn't get it to launch.)

So, I scowled at him, but he did get me to think.  I was a bit surprised at the thought that, I, weird and awkward and bookish, with no social sense and horrid hair, could be one of the cool people and have an interesting life.  I was Luna Lovegood before she was born. 

Frankly, I think Luna Lovegood steals the Harry Potter show.

So, a lot of my life has been the ongoing realization that, Hey! I can do that!! after spending too much time thinking stuff was out of my realm of possibility.

Hey! I can have an opinion!
Hey! I can support myself!
Hey! I can go to law school!
Hey! I can buy a car on my own!
Hey! I can make mistakes and survive!
Hey! I can be an athlete!
Hey! I can go to another country alone and not speak the language and still have massive amounts of fun!
Hey! I can be different!

I did not consciously TRY to have a cool life -it came about from the slowly dawning realization that the only thing ever holding me back is me.

That is something I have to make more effort to remember.


*journalists can be cool people, too. All the ones I know are.