hi, Tyler!
My dad forwarded a column you wrote on the Catholic Exchange about the Treasure of Singlehood. He meant well.
You write beautifully, BTW, and I "get" what you were trying to say, except, I have to say this: You don't get it. The fact you said you didn't get married until the (presumably ripe old age) of 28 set the tone for this article that struck me as contrived and slightly condescending.
I'm 44, never-married-no-children. Many of my friends are in the same boat -emotionally and physically healthy, have interesting lives, wanting to find the right person to marry, and it just never happening.
"The treasure of singleness is that it reminds all of us that our hearts are restless until they rest in God."
Honestly, that line made me want to reach across the world wide web and shake you.
I have moments when being single is pretty okay. I do not ask for it. I do not accept it as a permanent state of being. But I have accepted this as my present truth.
Can you understand the life of a person who has to make every single decision by herself? Do I buy a house, or a new mattress, or get involved with this project, or take that job, or contribute to that fund, or track down people to hang out with or...?
Can you understand the sheer loneliness that accompanies the empty house, with no change in sight, accompanied by attending most events alone, including Mass?
Can you understand how it feels when your dearest friends complain about the smallest infractions of their spouses, children, in-laws... when you would sell a kidney to gain all of that?
Can you understand when few parishes have an active adult singles ministry that most of those are geared to 20-somethings, and when you want to start one yourself for the middle-aged crowd, there is rarely parish support for that?
Can you understand that almost ALL parish activities center around families, marriages and children?
Can you understand that attending a party as a single adult woman means that you are automatically assumed to be of suspect character if you don't know most of the people already? Do a social experiment sometime. Ask a female friend to pose as a single person, and record people's reactions as she behaves as her normal friendly self. I believe you will find the results interesting.
Can you understand living a life where absolutely no one has you as any kind of priority in their lives? It isn't about the love -I am BLESSED with wonderful friends and family... but I am "first place" to no-one, or second, even, except Christ.
So, please forgive me for this rant, but I could not keep quiet.
The treasure of singleness is... different for everyone. For some of my friends, it has given them close relationships with their aging parents, as the single kid is the logical one to take on that task. For some of us, it is being a place of safety for our nieces and nephews. For some of us, it is being given the TIME to see the world and think the big thoughts and not be exhausted by the daily demands of spouse and children.
But I do not know any person who would not give any of that up in a heartbeat in exchange for a good marriage.
You had seven years of singlehood as an adult -actually, fewer than that, assuming you were dating and engaged for a while before you got married. Try a 23-year hat on for size, and trust me, your perspective changes.
SO, HOW DO WE DO IT?
After I wrote the letter and hit SEND, I pondered this for a bit, because being a single mature adult sucks eggs for the most part.
It's a God thing.
I gave my life to Christ and told Him He could do whatever He wanted with it, and apparently, this is it. I have learned to reach beyond myself to make connections, to take advantage of events and opportunities to be with people, and there for people. I am able to be with lonely people and together our loneliness is eased.
I have been able to make friends with people across the globe because my time and energy are not limited to the people who live in my house.
I have been able to forge beautiful relationships with my brothers' children because I am not raising any of my own. I share the joy and pain of that with many married couples, as well.
I have been a place of refuge for friends and family needing a safe place to cry and rage and wonder, and dream big dreams, and rest and hope and pray.
I have been a testament to the healing of Christ, and at the same time, the frailty of the human condition.
I have learned to forgive, to let go, to accept, to hope.
I have been given a life much, much bigger than I ever imagined for myself.
So, I know that God is not yet done with me, and there are yet surprises and moments of jaw-dropping wonder awaiting me. Until He sees fit to send someone to hold my hand during all of that, I'm walking this path alone.
Except, I think that the Treasure of Singleness REALLY is knowing, deep down in a place that is reserved for True Things, I am never actually alone.
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