Why I train- a reprise

This old post from 2011 from my old blog really spoke to me today, so I'm reprinting it:


A friend asked me this question on Facebook this morning, "What are you training for?"

The knee-jerk response is, "To lose weight and look hot in a belly dance costume!"

Except, that isn't really the TRUE answer, just the easy one that makes people smile.

I like losing weight because it is easy to measure and gives instant gratification or remorse. UP 2 pounds, sigh. DOWN 2 pounds, happy dance. I don't actually get all THAT excited either way, but I think I'm supposed to, given everyone else's reactions to such news.

I'm in training to be more me.

It hit me over a year ago that the way I was living my life was much like reacting to electrical shocks... and after years of reacting (usually badly) I wanted to see what would happen if I made a definitive move toward health and happiness. What would happen if I just TRIED?

No one who knows me can doubt my work ethic or ability to perform, but I'd never put those skills to use for myself. I have a slew of former employers who would be happy to hire me back, a few former boyfriends who occasionally try to rebuild a bridge, and a number of accomplishments under my belt. For some reason I avoided making my own life and health a priority.

Okay, I've lost weight before, somewhat successfully, usually driven by self loathing and eating disorders, topped with crazy amounts of punishing exercise.

I decided, what if I acted like I actually love myself and care about myself, and did healthy things for myself in a sane and rational way? With no real deadline, no one to compete against or for?

What could I be capable of if I started believing that I am beloved Child of God, created for a purpose, and loved down to my toenails, exactly as I am??

I took a goal-setting seminar about a year ago, and part of this was visualizing what you really want your life to look like.

Hmmm... I thought... well, my ideal life involves a lot more dancing, for sure, except I can hardly dance longer than 5 minutes right now... that sucks, okay, ideal ideal ideal... okay more dancing, visualizing dancing longer than 5 minutes... okay, next thing... I used to love to bike and go for long walks... hmm, very hard to do that now since I feel weird and awkward most of the time, and tired a lot... okay next thing... I want to actually DO stuff and not just watch it on TV... I want to go back to Ireland and walk all over the place, and Rome... and Morocco... and I'm not doing that now, not because I"m afraid, but because, gosh, that seems like a lot of effort.

After while of thinking and praying, it occurred to me that I had become Something Besides Me. After years of wrapping my life around my responsibilities and obligations, rather than joy and love and light, and stuffing my frustration down with junk food and inactivity, I could not recognize myself.

Now, to be completely honest, I never had a very good sense of who I am. I am very blessed that God got a good grip on me as a child, because I would probably be a total crack whore if left to my own devices and inclinations and influences.

So part of becoming more me, is discovering who on earth I am to begin with. Some of these have been small discoveries, like how I really like my eggs cooked... some have been big discoveries, like going to the movies by myself can be very fun. Just discovering that I actually do have preferences and likes and dislikes has been cool.

Learning to say no has been AWESOME! I've turned down volunteer opportunities, activities that seemed unappealing, requests for money, time, and effort I didn't want to give, sales pitches, guilt trips and anger.

Learning to say no to these things freed me up to say Yes to the things I'm drawn to: being fully present with people I love, traveling for pure pleasure, trying new and slightly scary things, volunteering joyfully in ways I feel fulfilled, even putting on boxing gloves and smacking the heck out of a punching bag!

Who knew hitting something could be so purely fun??? Who knows what else I've never tried that will be fun, too??

SO yes, I'm in training to lose weight and look hot in a belly dance costume... which is so totally ME.