Sick and Single

So, I debated whether or not to publish this one because I do not want anyone to feel sad or hurt, but I think this just needs to be out there.

I have been blessed with some amazing, amazing friends. This past week when I was out of my mind with pain from an infection in my jaw, a dear friend brought me my fav mac n cheese, and some gobble-worthy banana pudding, and another who dropped DVDs off for me to watch and another who brought food by.  I am very very grateful for these kindnesses, without which the week would have been oh so much worse.  The friend who brought me the mac n cheese also took Roxy home with her for a couple days so she could recover from the neglect of a dog mommy who can barely get out of bed to feed her.  My friend who dropped off the DVDs called me on the way to the grocery store to see if I needed anything.  All three of them texted or called to see if I needed anything.

I know how blessed I am. I also know that had two of them not been out of town for the worst part of this trial, it would have hit me a lot differently.

As it was, as I drove myself to the ER at 2am, waited for 2 hours and finally was given a shot of something amazing and given a lot of sympathy from the awesome ER staff for being in so much pain... I realized that suckiest part of being single is when you are sick.  Sick, and alone.

As I curled up on the cot and listened to the person in the next bed swear at the nurses, all I could think was, well if they won't give me just a little extra morphine like they did at the end of The English Patient (I asked, they said no) then at least for a little bit I was not completely alone.  They might be paid to care, but I could tell they really did, especially after they gave me the shot and I fell asleep briefly, and the nurse apologized for waking me up.

Jaw throbbing so bad I wanted to shoot myself to stop the pain while standing in line three times at the pharmacy.  No one to ask to go for me. Thankfully the other shoppers looked away politely when a particularly stabbing pain went right through my head and I started crying right there in front of everyone.

For six days I lived off mac n cheese and pudding cups.  Besides being, like, DELICIOUS, it required no thought from me.  Thinking and excruciating pain are rather incompatible.  No one around to help with the thinking. Did I already take the Percocet? The antibiotic? The other thing I can't pronounce? Fuck, who cares, take another and go back to bed.

Six days I was in isolation except for brief moments of stuff being dropped off or picked up or encountering medical personnel. Oh, and bawling my eyes out on Jayne's desk on Monday. I don't even really remember why I was there anyway.

I am not writing this to guilt any of my friends for not doing "more" or to make anyone feel sorry for me. (As much as I enjoy sympathy...)

What got under my skin were people who said, Why didn't you call me?

Well, you knew I was horribly ill, why didn't you call ME? I was the one that was sick! Or text? Or anything for six days??

Or the people who, when I mentioned it is hard to be single and sick, tried to dismiss my feelings with, "oh, you should have just asked people for help, they would have helped."  I can't argue with that, that is true.  But if you want someone to feel like you actually care, and are not just taking on a charity case, you OFFER.

A couple people basically said, Hey, have faith, pray, work on your relationship with God!  Well, I did have a lot to say to God, all right, in between begging for death.  Thankfully, He is very forgiving.

If someone had offered to just come keep me company for a half hour, I would have cried from bliss. Well, at least partly from bliss.

To have another person simply acknowledge that you exist and might want to have actual human interaction that does not involve a needle or a co-pay can mean everything.

I'm taking the risk of being misunderstood here, and I know it.  The thing is, this is something singles don't talk about much because of the risk of sounding whiny.

We know in the course of daily life, that we are not a top priority for any other human, except maybe our single friends who are in the same boat.  It isn't that we aren't loved, appreciated, happy, grateful, etc. it's that when things go wrong, there is no one else there unless requested.

This isn't because our couple friends don't love us and want to help!  It's just that when we aren't directly responsible for something, we tend to assume it is handled.  People will ask for the help they need, right?

Um. It depends.  One person I asked for help asked if I could have someone else do it.  That will be the last time I ask her for anything, esp not food.

Further, really, when it comes to going to the ER at 2am, unless someone has specifically said, yes, please call me at 2am if you need to go to the ER, most people will just drive themselves.

I am so, so grateful for my friends who helped me out and are so kind to me and so amazing all the time.

But this needed to be said, on behalf of over-30 singles everywhere.

So, I said it.