Trust, Peace, Sugar

I really am blessed with my friends.

In DEALING with life and all the things it can throw at you, I have been surrounded by love and reassurance.

One friend has called me every day to pray with me.  One friend is always there for me, even though she is dealing with some major stuff right now, one being her husband recovering from a heart attack.  Yesterday I had a long, heart-cleansing talk with a friend who really GETS it, and who reminded me to trust... Trust God who up to this point has taken VERY good care of me... Trust that the people who love me will be there for me... Trust that my needs will continue to be met... Trust that I can face each day's issues with serenity and faith...

Yesterday my BFF and I planned our "BFF" tattoos.  I had my Camino tattoo done. Had a great therapeutic massage.

This morning, my trainer and I talked about God, and he also reminded me about Trust and prayer and letting God be WITH me in all of this, not just a distant resource to rail at.

So, every day I am getting back to the basics of living the day I am in, resting in God's peace, taking care of my body as it most needs and connecting with loving and supportive people.

As you know, my current Be Healthy challenge is reducing refined sugar.  I needed to take teenier baby steps than I had been... so right now I am working on eating sweets only twice a day and only after a meal.  Since it is Halloween, this has been hard and it is not yet 8AM!

Sometimes finding that sense of peace is about really concrete tasks... calling a friend, leaving work at an appropriate time, walking the dog, prepping a healthy meal and eating it in a quiet and pretty place.  We all have the right to spend time and attention on the things that are important to us, with no regard whatsoever to productivity.

Food for thought my trainer gave today... Jesus healed multitudes of people, but then would leave the crowds, go away and pray -leaving some people still sick, some work "undone"- to be alone, with his close friends, or pray or eat dinner. 

Think about that.

Okay, Seriously, I Mean It This Time!

My battle with refined sugar has taken on a greater intensity, mostly because I'm losing.  Okay, to be fair, I only spent one day in battle, then went belly-up and let it trample all over me.

Still, my tenacity is back and so back on my feet I climb for yet another round.

Apparently, refined sugar can be blamed for excess weight, lowered immunity, low energy, and possibly the struggling economy.  I want none of THAT!!

I'm not completely swearing off refined sugar.  I've gone cold turkey and that never lasts.  I'm on a perfectly sensible plan to wean off of it slowly.  My goals are modest by most standards, yet seem positively Herculean on some days.

My goal:  Get down to one serving per day of refined sugar.  "How hard can that be?" asks anyone who isn't me.

One serving feels like a teaser, frankly.  I have the ability (and tendency) to consume sugar in an amount that would stagger a horse.  My trainer is in awe. My nutritionist is in horror. (She never lets me see the horror full-out, just says, "You know, it might be good to cut back just a smidge and you might feel better and stop crying randomly when your blood sugar drops...")

My most recent excuses relate to adjusting to an emotional roller coaster.  Now that I have adjusted, I don't actually have an excuse for mainlining Reese's Sticks.  As an adult, I do not actually NEED an excuse.  I mean, I am fully self-supporting and if I can afford to eat immense quantities of candy, then that it my busines alone.

Still, once I put it out there that I am trying to reduce refined sugar intake, then I feel somehow obliged to actually make an effort.  And it would be good for me.  Frankly, if somebody said, "Hey, if you eat dead leaves and chewed up pinecones from the yard, you will boost your immunity!" I would at least give it a shot.

Step One:  not limiting AMOUNT, limiting WHEN... ie, only eat sweets as dessert, never on their own or as the main meal.

Step Two: Limiting amount to 2 servings/day, no make-ups.

Once I get there, I will let you know.  So far today, I'm on track!

Betrayed!

Betrayal.  We've all been there.  Heck, even Jesus had His Judas.

And you know what happens when you feel betrayed... you start to think of every single circumstance in which you were let down or led astray or betrayed by the betrayer, and spend a bit of time in thoughts of revenge and hopelessness and anger and grief.  Once you have gone through all of that, you accept it and walk away.

Except, you can't really walk away when it is your body that keeps betraying you.

I received objective evidence recently that my back is messed up six ways from Sunday and I was so angry that if my spine had been a person, I would have punched its throat. Once I got the Big List of Things Amy Can No Longer Do, I threw my hands in the air and howled.  When I got the news that, yes, Amy, there is a surgery in your near future, I sat on my butt and cried.

It. Is. Not. Fair.

While wallowing in my anger, I accusingly brought up every single way my body has betrayed me over the years by not living up to my QUITE reasonable expectations.  As always when we argue, my body just clammed up and got all passive aggressive and obstinately remained silent -and occasionally shot pain like a lightning bolt down my legs to remind me I'm not in charge all that completely.

Grrrrr.  Stupid spine.

I am sure if my body could talk in a language besides pain and pleasure it would have a few things to say about how I can sometimes treat it -ignore it, discount it, ask too much of it, yell at it, give it too little to go on- and then expect it to be in perfect form to meet my needs/wants/whatever. My body might even use the word, "betrayal." Unlike my brain, my body forgives quickly and tries its hardest.

Perspective is a blessing and a curse.

I've been warned not to go too far down the road of anger and resentment on this one. An inevitable effect of being human is that everything has a time and a season and that moving through means moving on -be glad I could do this stuff at one time, and see what new thing comes as a result of being forced to move on. Figure what tattoo I will want over the scar.

I am quite blessed to know a gifted spine surgeon I grew up with and who loves me ('cause, you know, he is my brother) who has helped me understand what is going on and how to pick a good surgeon locally because it is pretty scary to me.

I am quite blessed to have a trainer who is busy thinking of the stuff I CAN do, which is good because for a bit all I could see is what I can't do.

I am quite blessed to have excellent health insurance and sick day benefits and an understanding boss, so my job and financial security are not in jeopardy.

I am blessed to live in a small city that has loads of physical therapists to choose from.

Oh, yeah, that trust thing again.  Trust that no matter what happens, God will take care of me, and the future is always brighter than the present.

I guess that lesson will keep coming around until I learn it.

Love, Acceptance, Meaning

Okay. I got nothin today.

One Foot Out the Door

I am still processing the time I had with God on the trip to Santiago.  There are little things happening that are underscoring some of the messages I received from Him while I was there.

Back when I was about 12 years old, a woman came to our Girl Scout troop and among the many other things she said, she said, if you knew that you would not get married until you are 40, what would you do in the meantime? Because that's what you ought to be doing.

I decided to take that attitude and apply it to my life.  I have had one foot out the door since I got here, my personality being what it is.  I was tihnking about when I lived in Winona, MN and how even though I was only there about 2-1/2 years, I felt so much more invested in the community than I am here, so what made the difference?

When I moved to Winona, I intended for that to be my permanent home. I bought a house, got involved in my church, got outside of myself and met a ton of people and participated in the community, not just my job stuff.

Being in Winona didn't work out long term, but I loved that community. I've been floating a bit in the meantime.

I am quite involved in the university community, but I realized I have not invested much in becoming part of the FLAGSTAFF community.  I've been renting for 5 years. (Now, I'm a renter by nature, not an owner, but I admit that I am getting tempted.) 90% of the events I go to are university-oriented.

So, I decided that I will behave as if I am here five more years, at least, take the long range view of things.

If an angel came from God and told me that I would be moving in 5 years, how would I live my life in the meantime?

Well, I just signed up for Spanish lessons.

in-Between-The-Spains Post

So, I've been given an extraordinary amount of time to think the past three weeks, almost an unprecedented amount of time for such activity, really.  It has been a really nice time to just hang out with God, even with the extra coughing and sleeping lately.

And I have reached a few prayerful conclusions.

This past year was a struggle in unexpected ways.  I had made the decision to seek work outside of Flagstaff, and thus limited a few things in my life, including swearing off dating back in March.  Why meet new people if I'm just going to move, you know? I was sick a lot, injured a lot, dealing with some heavy work stuff frequently.  I was overloaded.

So, having some new clarity and peace, I have realized a few things.

First, I'm not going anywhere any time soon.  So, I have to make my life here work for me, just like I had to three years ago when my boss stubbornly refused to let me relocate my position to Phoenix. (I'm very glad, in retrospect, that happened. Best blessing ever.)  Every single amazing job I have investigated over the past year dissipated through various God's Hand ways.

So, I'm here for a purpose.  Flagstaff is not an easy town to live in if you are not from here and are over the age of 30.  But, God brought me here and is keeping me here and until He leads me someplace else (if ever) then this is my home.  I love Flagstaff on so many levels, but sometimes the loneliness is palpable for us single adults.  Still, I'm here, and the only thing I can change is me, so I resolve to actually change a few things.

I've made a few decisions about healthy living but I will give that another blog post once I suss out the details with my team.

The big get-out-of-my-comfort-zone decision is to live like I am actually a part of the Flagstaff community.  I'm not, really.  I'm part of the university community, but that is a very different thing.  But I have some truly wonderful friends here and in general love the people here.  So, I resolve to join some interesting meet up groups, say yes to any and all invitations, keep an eye out for stuff I want to do and then go do it even if I'm doing it by myself.

I did it in Spain.  I can do it in Flagstaff.

So far in this country adult women are not required to have escorts or travel in groups, so I will not allow myself to chicken out of something just because I'd rather be with a friend.  Or to feel sorry for myself for going to Yet Another Thing Alone Because I Couldn't Find Anyone To Go With Me.  It is wearying to always do stuff alone.  But I'm done with feeling sorry for myself about it.

The other decision is to thoughtfully plan out my vacation so I actually use it before I mentally crack up from overwork.  Even if it is just to take a long weekend to work on a sewing project or something, I need mental health time.

These activities aren't a means to a particular goal, except to get the most out of this time we have on earth, before we move to a different room in God's house.

Food, Glorious Food!

This likely goes without saying but the food in Spain is DELICIOUS!!

Beyond that, HOW they eat is delightful.

Just about no such thing as fast food.  Service is slow compared to the US.  They don't hang over you while you eat or make you feel rushed to free up the table.

You sit. Eventually someone asks you what you want. Eventually, it shows up. Slowly, you eat it. Eventually, you ask for more of something or coffee or dessert or for the bill.

NOTHING is rushed.

That took some getting used to.

Cute little breakfast place about 50 feet from the Cathedral in Santiago:

Scheduling took some getting used to.  Even by US standards, I'm an early bird.  That meant starving for a few hours if I didn't plan ahead.  Then many places have an afternoon break, so if you get hungry around 2 pm, you may have a bit of a wait unless you know where the grocery store is (learned that fast!). Restaurants open for the evening meal around 8 at the earliest.

The first two days I ate protein bars and apples until I figured it out and could time it right.

Coffee in Spain deserves its own post, so I'll chat about that later.  Mmmm.  Coffee.
 

But the food was lovely.  I wish I had taken pictures of it.  Spain is a carnivore's delight.  If it moves and breathes, it can be slapped on a plate.

It took me four days to work up to eating octopus, aka "pulpo."  It is freakin DELICIOUS!  I admit to cutting off the obvious tentacley parts at first, but then they went down with the rest. (Okay, I did shut my eyes.) still, so good!

Breakfast was usually bread, cheese and an apple.  I usually went back for more cheese.  I love cheese and lots of coffee.  Mmm. Coffee.

Lunch was usually something at a bar. The bars there are sort of their version of fast food.  The "menu" was the daily deal... Usually some sort of meat, bread, French fries and dessert. And coffee.  Mmm. Coffee.

French fries were everywhere.  I got really excited when I saw "salad" advertised.  Once I discovered croquettas, I was lost.  Imagine the best mashed potatoes you've ever had, mix in some chopped ham and cheese and garlic, shape into little fingers, then deep fry it.  I could eat myself sick on those things.  And tried!


Not croquettas, but yummy potatoey Spanish omelet:
 

BTW, Spain is a pastry place. I was worried about coming back to the US and not having a daily chocolate croissant for a snack.  Fortunately, Sugar Mamas has my back on the pastry issue.  Many lovely little corner bakeries with all sorts of lovely sweets.  And coffee. Mmm. Coffee.

Dinner was often tapas, which is where the octopus came in.  Many different small plates shared with friends.  Lots of seafood.  Lots of potatoes. Lots of bread. Cheese.  Heaven.  And coffee.  Mmm. Coffee.

A couple nights we stayed in to eat, and found ourselves choosing very simple things, yogurt, apples, bread, cheese... Almost like going back to home base before going out again on a culinary adventure.

In Madrid, we chose the restaurants very simply. We walked around and eventually said, hey, there looks good! Half the time we weren't sure what we were ordering until it showed up.  Thankfully it was always edible.

There were so many different things I tried, being a fan of food in general and a pretty adventurous eater, that I can't possibly put it all in a blog post.  And all of it was eaten increasingly slowly.  What normally is an interruption to my work -bolting down fuel- became something to be savored and even cherished, sharing delicious food with good company, even when I was sitting alone.

But seriously, the food was amazing.  And the coffee.  Mmm. Coffee.

Random-ass photo of Melinda and me in the hotel garden, cause, you know, why not?
 

Adventures in Espana

Wow. Spain was awesome. I had a wee bit of anxiety heading over because aside from the menu at Mexican restaurants, my command of the Spanish language is NADA.  However, it turns out hand signals are universal, and when words were absolutely necessary, it worked out fine.  Plus, everyone I met was so crazy nice it was almost suspicious!

There were some amazing high points... Being at my first Pilgrim's Mass where they swing that huge censor and the Cathedral fills with incense and my eyes filled with tears, sitting on the point of the Playa da Morte in Finisterre and contemplating the enormity and smallness of the world, sobbing in front of the Goya Black Paintings at the Prado because you just HAVE to when you see them, seeing my friend Melinda in the Cathedral and sobbing again with this mutual BIGNESS OF GOD we both had experienced, seeing my beloved Hope and Rob in Madrid and doing some more crying.

I'm beginning to wonder why I fell in love with a place where I cried so much!!

Sometimes, you have to give yourself some space and time to allow yourself to be moved.

One time I went to the Art Institute in Chicago and had a whole afternoon to myself.  I love the Chagall window and decided I was going to sit and just LOOK at it until I did not see one more new thing.  This meditation lasted three hours.

It takes time to see, like to have a friend takes time.  Georgia O'Keffe said that so don't go thinking I've gotten profound on you.

I had two weeks to just SEE and be with God.  This kind of peace gives you a clarity you won't see unless you take that time.  And two weeks doesn't completely unwind anyone.

I had a chat with a priest while I was there in Santiago.  After he consulted with God, he shared that God really just wants me to be at peace, that God just wants to BE with me, and that does not require any sort of special trip. There will be other challenges, and God will be with me through them. I am his beloved daughter, and He just wants me to be at peace in Him.

I have no doubt in my mind that God did speak directly to him to tell me that. I also know that that simply requires me keeping space open in my life to just rest in His peace... No schedule, agenda, or thing to be accomplished. Just Be.

It is a rare treat to have two weeks of relatively unstructured time. Even being back a few days I'm struggling a bit to make the time.  It isn't that my schedule is so full, being home sick and all.  It is the number of distractions and things to get done, etc.. That's normal life.

But I do have the clarity and peace I was missing for a while, and that is an excellent foundation from which to grow in His love.

Spanish Inquisition -at Random

Oh, how I have missed my blog!  I entirely filled a paper journal, but it wasn't the same. It was slower.

SO, I will be blogging about Spain and the AWESOMENESS I experienced there... but first, I wanted to share one of my journal entries from my visit to Fisterra, formerly known as Finisterre, because at one time, it was the end of the known world. The westernmost point is the Playa da Morte, which is the historical end of the pilgrimage of the Camino de Santiago.

So, that day (I personally took a bus to Fisterra from Santiago, and only walked the part from the town to the point, which is maybe two miles? Maybe?) as I sat looking out at the ocean and chillin with God, I flipped open my Bible to random point, as I am wont to do, and here is the fruit of that.

John 14:1-4

Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house there are many rooms, if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.

TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST

God, You know what is in my heart and what Your plan is for my life.  Help me to love Your plan, whatever it is and whatever it means for me.  I will TRUST that even if I die alone You will always be with me and never forsake me or leave me to face my perils alone.  I don't have to understand what is going on to love You and trust You and hope in You.  Blessed be Your Name.