Panic Button

The sparkles filled my vision... Lori was talking in a calm voice but it sounded like it was at the end of a tunnel... I was gasping for air, my hands burning and thick and then everything went cold dark... and then a glass of orange juice was pressed into my hands and I spilled some while taking a gulp and slowly my vision and hearing and breath returned and all the shaking subsided.

I am not normally subject to panic attacks. I worry sometimes, fret a bit, occasionally want to pull the covers over my head and pretend nothing exists but Roxy. Until two weeks ago, I hadn't had any kind of panic attack in years.  The past two weeks has seen at least one every day.

This is not a sustainable model.

There is always the WHY -I always want to understand WHY -I haven't had a PTSD flashback in literally years... I haven't been depressed or suicidal since I went off that horrid asthma medication.. this doesn't make sense.

Except, of course, it does.  I've been running on empty for too long -work has been exceptionally stressful, my back problems have demanded a great deal of attention, I've been away from my home more than I have been home in the last five months, I'm in a lovely new relationship that forces me to face some old demons, the wildfire has made the air too thick for my lungs, and I've let go of the stabilizers in my life -eating well, regular exercise, time to decompress and process.

There is no "easy button" to counteract the "panic button."  I can't simply work harder to make it all go away.

So, I'm back to the basics... Spiritual basics... every day, set aside time for prayerful meditation, sit on the ground and breathe slowly and deeply and remind myself I am safe and loved and protected at all times by a God who loves me beyond all reason.  Physical basics... eating well, eating frequently, being aware of my body and its needs, getting enough sleep, getting enough movement.  Emotional basics... talking to my friends, hanging out with people who love me, feeling my feelings and being real, taking time to be and see and wonder at the beauty of the world.

Because when I am immersed in the beauty of the world, the fear simply floats away.