Geographic Solution

My BFF called me this morning from Abu Dhabi, via google+ video chat, which was awesome.  I needed to see her face so badly.  We talked about mostly mundane matters and laughed a lot.  Being fairly new to video calls, I made a lot of faces and kept adjusting the iPad so she wasn't getting such an amazing chin shot of me.  I'm surprised she wasn't made seasick looking at me, although that may have been the very reason she suggested putting it on top of the headboard of my bed and getting it out of my hands.  Roxy came over to say hello, too!

This is us laughing:

One of topics that absorbed some time was our plans for the future.  I will be making a huge geographic change this year - not because I hate my job or Flagstaff is miserable, but because I have become so desperately lonely, I dread weekends.  dread them.  And she and her husband are dealing with normal married with children stuff. And we decided that, yes, indeed, God is putting it in no uncertain times, it is time for me to move on.  And then she told me to watch the Avengers, since it is the best movie ever, and then go see Iron Man 3 and at some point apply for this job in Kentucky I'm eyeballing.

This is a cute shot of Tracy, while I am making faces:

Later, my dear Alicia called to say hey, and when we talked about my current hermitlike state of mind, she said, "Anne, you are the most outgoing person I know!  You have tried EVERYTHING and done EVERYTHING possible in the last four years there.  Thinking about your next step is a good thing!" And then we talked strategy.  We are in the same profession, and Alicia is super smart and less inclined to be impulsive than I am.

That was a normal phone call, so no pictures.  Which I am sure Alicia appreciates!

A colleague called from work to ask me some questions about a mutual project, and I was SOOOO tempted to go in to work and finish it up with him. I stopped myself.

I pulled the covers over my head and slept a while more, Roxy curled up with me.

I've spent the last few weeks sleeping away every weekend, eating mac n cheese almost every meal, pizza last night/breakfast this morning, and then, this past week, I stopped working out.  Me, the tenacious, get up early and work out twice some days fanatic. I haven't written anything outside my blog in months, haven't done any sewing or painting in even longer. I've been tempted to de-friend on Facebook everyone who seemed happier and more together than I am, which would have left me maybe three friends, and all people I do not know well.

I lost the energy to do the things I love, because of the loneliness and feeling unwanted, getting my safety alarms pinging and those old feelings of not mattering to anyone, so I must not matter at all.

So as I woke up and decided to write this blog this morning, technically afternoon now, the energy isn't there, but the motivation is.

Waiting for change has changed nothing.  The weight of all the shoulds running through my head is incapacitating me... My home looks like a crack house, my yard is the shame of my neighborhood, I STILL have not done my taxes, the list is endless and when it piles on, it becomes too much effort to even leave the house.

So, I'm leaving the list of shoulds at home.  I'm not going to exercise or go hiking today.  I'm going to take my Roxy and my laptop and find some beautiful place to sit outside and sip bubble water and just write whatever comes into my head.

Doing something that brings me life, might start bringing back hope, and energy, and eventually, the rest of my life.

Because I do matter.  I just forgot that for a while.