Swallowing String

So, although I believe there are prophetic dreams, mostly I do not experience them.  My crazy dream last night was not prophetic in the proper sense, but I do think God was trying to point something out to me.

Cutting to the chase... In the dream, I swallowed string.  When I tried to pull it out, it was like it never ever ended.  No matter how much I pulled in frustration, there was more string. It kept catching on my throat and it wasn't until I just stopped fighting it and let it go that the end of the string finally came out.

At the other end of the string were some people who really hurt me recently, and at whom I immediately redirected the hurt into a seething rage. (Anger is a much more powerful-feeling emotion than weak and pathetic hurt, right?)  During the dream, they just watched as I pulled and pulled, talking among themselves and occasionally glancing at me but basically ignoring the string that connected us pooling at my feet.  When the string was finally all the way out, I looked around and there were some of my friends.  I hadn't even seen them in the room before because my eyes never left the folks at the other end of the string.  My friends just smiled at me and said, "Okay? Are you done? Ready to go?"  And then I woke up.

When I woke up, it hit me I haven't read my missal in a while (I have it on my phone... iMissal is awesome, btw!) and there were today's readings.

A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter... A life saving remedy. -Sirach 6:5-17

Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous deeds -psalm 119

Your word, oh Lord, is truth; consecrate us in the truth. -John 17:17

Daily bread: Acts 10:38. (Jesus) went about doing good and healing all oppressed by the devil, for God was with him.

Those seem rather unrelated, but something about this was really touching my heart, so I took some time to really think on it.

Then, on the drive down to Phoenix, since I had two hours to fill, I prayed the rosary, and since I had such a bucket of time, I chanted it. Chanting forces you to slow down and cherish what you are saying.  And it turned out because it is Friday, the Sorrowful Mysteries were next in line.

The Agony in the Garden

The Scourging at the Pillar

The Crowning of Thorns

The Carrying of the Cross

The Crucifixion

(Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, lead all souls to heaven, especially those most in need of thy mercy...)

At the end of all that pain was the forgiveness.

Forgive, forgive, forgive and then again forgive.

Let go of the anger.  Forgive.

Let go of the pain.  Forgive.

Let go of the frustration.  Forgive.

They do not see the damage.  Forgive.

I cannot fix this problem.  Forgive.

I got sucker punched.  Forgive.

They do not want me.  Forgive.

I long to matter to them, and I do not.  Forgive.

I have tried and failed again and again.  Forgive.

This is more pain than I can handle.  Forgive.

Why have you abandoned me?  Forgive.

(Receive me o Lord, according to your Word, that I may live, and do not fail me in my hope...)

I can look around.

There it is!  The love, the sturdy shelters in storms, the people who have literally saved my life, who want me, who love me beyond measure, and who allow me to love them in all my fears and failures.  

There it is!  This healing that has been working miracles in all my life.

There it is!  The truth shining like the Star of the Sea, His words, His Spirit, His life.

There He is!  Longing for me to see Him and sing Him and keep my eyes fixed on His life and love that sustains us all.

... so the chant settles into my soul.