Bad Habits

"Is losing weight a goal for you?" That said, in a slightly challenging tone, made me think.

My first year of this healthy living thing where I saw the bulk of my weight loss occur, was a very difficult year.  I was learning how to be healthy and balanced and live in a sane way.  I was learning new habits.  In the course of about 14 months, I went from bursting out of a size 30 to a comfortable 16/18.

And, there I have stayed, going on 18 months now.

I have felt frustrated because I'm still exercising, still eating within reasonable caloric limits, still focusing on being healthy and balanced and sane.  I've had some falls along the way.

What are my goals? Where do I want to be?

And the big question:  Do I really want to lose more weight?  I still have about 60 lbs of excess fat that could yet be shed.

During the tough times of this past year, I revisited some old bad habits.  While I was not technically "overeating" or abusing food, I was eating most of my calories on many, many days as refined sugar.  Some improvements were made (incorporating a green shake in the morning, keeping sane in restaurants) but the dependence on a sugar high to numb me out and get me through was probably more evident than I wanted to admit.

When I was stressed out or tired, I reached for the quick fix.

Losing weight means getting away from those easy habits and refocusing on nutrition.  Losing weight means dealing with all the feelings that come when there isn't much of a barrier between me and the world.

Losing weight does NOT mean I will get to wear cooler clothes, like I hoped it would.  Being over 6 ft tall means nothing off the rack ever looks right or is long enough, no matter what size it is.  All of the excess skin from dramatic weight loss means that I will never look "hot" so that's off the table as a motivation.

I know I want to be stronger.  I want to run farther.  Those are better achieved with a bit less fat on my body.

I think what I really want to do is refocus on shedding those bad habits, reinforcing my good ones, to stop nitpicking at myself for not going as fast at everything as I feel I ought to be.

I am pledging to stop weighing myself (which only makes me crazy anyway) and look at my food choices in line with a healthy life and improvements in what my body can do, as opposed to its size.

That seems more right than numbers on a scale.