What Am I DOING??

So after my wee bit of hitting the wall this week, and both my trainer and my counselor pointing out I probably ought to think about my fitness goals, I had a lot of time to think on my drive down to Tucson.

Well, not a LOT of time. The first couple hours were spent sifting through work thoughts, to-do list, things I'm behind on, etc. takes a long time sometimes for my head to clear out. My trainer gave me homework to think of five workouts to put together for this thing we are going to try out. I couldn't think of the names of anything on my drive down, so it was frustrating and I decided to think about shoes because I like thinking about shoes. And poetry. And imagining life as Xena. Xena didn't have asthma.

So this morning I had a bit of a revelation. There I am, hanging out at Blue Willow with a bottomless coffee cup and blueberry pancakes and for the first time in weeks and weeks, my to-do list was not running through my head... To be more exact, my didn't-do list, which truly is endless. This morning I had nowhere to be, nothing to do, and time on my hands. This is a very rare thing.

Some things I have to simply accept in my life. Sometimes my back will go out because I'm over six feet tall and for many years carried far too much weight on my body. Sometimes I won't be able to run like wind because the air is too dirty. I will always have problems finding cute clothes because no matter how skinny I get, I will always be too tall for off the rack clothing. I will never be able to live off cookies. Welcome to life, Amy.

My occasional back problems and my asthma will get better as I continue to exercise and get more fit, but they won't magically go away. This may be an occasional speed bump, but neither of these things is a box limiting where I can eventually go. It may take me longer and involve pain and frustration, but these cannot stop me.

I am the only thing that can stop me from doing anything I set out to do.

So here is what I want to be able to do, and am willing to do the work to achieve:

Run four miles without slowing to a walk.
Lose 60 more pounds. (I think that's when I'll hit my ideal weight, more or less.)
Do a pull up. Just one. I don't want to be a fanatic about it.
Dead lift twice my body weight.

I don't know how long this will take to do. I'm not entirely sure it is even achievable. But I want to TRY. Even if I don't get all the way there, I think the attempt will teach me something worth learning.