Screenplay

I am now the possessor of so many bad first dates that I can write a screenplay.  In fact, instead of writing it from the perspective of the hapless victim, I believe I shall write it from the point of view of the Bad Date himself, an amalgam of:

The guy last night who seemed dripping with negativity;
The guy a couple years ago who kept staring at my chest and after 45 minutes asked me back to his place;
The guy who kept repeating, "You are so beautiful, really, so beautiful, I don't even care that you are chubby!"
The guy who had a smile like a serial killer;
The guy who shared he smoked weed like he was a member of a reggae band and wondered if that would be okay with me;
The God-bashing atheist;
The guy who said I remind him of his mom;
The guy who said I remind him of his ex;
The guy who sent his "wing man" in to check me out before he came in to introduce himself;
The guy with horrible table manners -and a beard;
The guy who, when we hugged goodbye, literally picked me up;
The 30-something still living with his parents and saving up to buy a car;
The guy who ordered food like a bitchy little cheerleader;
A couple of guys who were simply rude to the server at the restaurant;
The guy who complained about how big the portions are at the restaurant and said, "You know, we can ask for boxes right now and put half of it away so we aren't tempted!"
The guy who showed me photos of his paintings, all of which depicted some sort of violent act;
The guy who shared freely his idiot opinion that all pro-life people are idiots who don't understand science; (And I asked him if he would like to meet all the pro-life scientists in my family..?)
The guy who never blinked;
The guy who shared he was into S&M and asked if I wanted to see his "toybox;" (I excused myself from the table, went out the back door, ran to my car and drove straight to a friend's house to spend the night.)
The guy who shared he was not, umm, "well-endowed" but that he makes up for it with his creativity;
The guy who pointed out that pancakes for breakfast aren't very healthy and maybe I ought to order something else -and that I ate a lot for a girl. (Although, to be fair, I told him to suck it, and we ended up dating for 4 years. He made a bad first impression, but he was actually a very nice guy who needed better social skills.  By the time I was done with him, he had them.)


This is why I keep small bills in my wallet when I go out on a blind date.  It enables me to quickly count out my share of the tab and tip and exit quickly.

To be fair, I have been on quite a few lovely first dates as well, but who cares about those?  No humor there!

In the past four years I have been in Flagstaff, I have been in a dating wasteland.

I had made the quiet decision before I ever even met Mr. Negativity that I was done dating in Flagstaff.  The only reason I went through with it was because it was in the works before I made that decision.  This experience helped me understand that is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

And I am now off the market.