When Food Isn't Just Food

So, food.

I really did used to think that I would be a better person (read, skinnier!) if I just didn't have to eat. Insane, right? I wish I was the only person struggling with that particular insanity, but I'm not. Loads of us feel this way.

You know what? God created us to need food. This means, GOD wants us to eat! And God created food so that it isn't just for fuel, but has bonding properties, healing properties, and emotional and mental effects.

I sometimes think that God created food and the need for it to help us learn balance in a really concrete way. Eat too much, you become unhealthy. Eat too little, you become unhealthy. Eat all of one thing, you become unhealthy. Use food to solve not-food problems, you become unhealthy. Use something besides food to solve a food problem, you become unhealthy. Eat unreal food too much, you become unhealthy.

It is all about proper place and perspective. Being REAL. Paying attention.

So, upon discovering I have an ulcer, I received meds, instructions and an admonition to meditate and reduce stress. Awesome.  Foodwise, this means no caffeine, limit dairy, no alcohol and limit fried food.  Oh, and stop the daily intake of ibuprofen.  Well, I don't eat fried food often, so that is easy enough. I don't drink much, so that's the easiest thing on the list.  But I LOVE MY DAIRY PRODUCTS and NEED MY CAFFEINE.

Under normal circumstances, this probably would not have been any kind of a big deal.  But I had a super spectacularly stressful week last week, and by the time the weekend came, I really just wanted to curl up with a couple pints of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Peppermint Crunch and pretend I was in a coma.

I did do a bit of that.  My trainer politely reminded me that icecream will not help me achieve my goals.  I think I might have glared at him.  I don't remember.  I was thinking about icecream.

Because even though I KNEW eating icecream would make my stomach hurt, probably make me throw up, and certainly would not help me achieve the goals I myself chose and committed to... I still wanted it.

I did not want it because it is super healthy like a green shake.  I did not want it because my body was craving something calorically dense.  I wanted it because I was sad and tired and it tastes really good and makes me feel better in a comfort-food sort of sense.

I thought, hey, one spoonful isn't a big deal.  And it wouldn't have been, if I had stopped there.  Of course, I didn't.

For about a half hour, everything was fine.  Then my stomach reminded me that really, truly, icecream and an ulcer don't mix.  So I spent the rest of the day feeling rather green and irritated with myself.  I wasn't worried about an over-consumption of calories (throwing up every day, a couple times some days, more than took care of that worry!)  I just took a hard look at my food choices the past couple weeks and realized that for the most part, I really had been basing my choices more on my emotional state than what my body really needed, especially given the pretty low caloric intake.

I got off balance.

So, when a really demanding week -mentally, emotionally, physically demanding- required more of me, I was simply not able to give it.  My reserves were dry.  Instead of solving the mental and emotional challenges with what I REALLY needed (quiet space, praying, being with friends, deep breathing) I was leaning on food.  Instead of solving my physical issues with healthy food, I was leaning on sweets, hoping the damage wouldn't be too painful.  The resulting exhaustion meant a shorter temper, longer crying jags, and eventually that overwhelmed feeling when simply leaving the house seemed to be too much to face.

I'm not beating myself up over it.  It's not like I've engaged in selling drugs or human trafficking.  It is about being aware, being present to my own self.  It isn't even about weight.

It is about being real.  Being honest.

I normally track my food intake and exercise every single day.  I actually eat really healthy when I'm being my normal self.  I haven't tracked in a couple weeks, and when I am being painfully honest, I know it is because I did not want to see in writing the choices I was making... not the one-in-a-while treats that I write down almost gleefully, but the daily "this one won't hurt..." that become two or three or so.

So, it was with a bit of quiet resolve I pulled out that lovely owl-adorned notebook, and made my first notations in two weeks on it:  6AM, green shake.  8:30, string cheese, apple.  Wrote down the slammin workout from this morning.

Took a deep breath, smiled at myself and said, no worries. 

Real. Honest. Balanced.