The sparkles filled my vision... Lori was talking in a calm voice but it sounded like it was at the end of a tunnel... I was gasping for air, my hands burning and thick and then everything went cold dark... and then a glass of orange juice was pressed into my hands and I spilled some while taking a gulp and slowly my vision and hearing and breath returned and all the shaking subsided.
I am not normally subject to panic attacks. I worry sometimes, fret a bit, occasionally want to pull the covers over my head and pretend nothing exists but Roxy. Until two weeks ago, I hadn't had any kind of panic attack in years. The past two weeks has seen at least one every day.
This is not a sustainable model.
There is always the WHY -I always want to understand WHY -I haven't had a PTSD flashback in literally years... I haven't been depressed or suicidal since I went off that horrid asthma medication.. this doesn't make sense.
Except, of course, it does. I've been running on empty for too long -work has been exceptionally stressful, my back problems have demanded a great deal of attention, I've been away from my home more than I have been home in the last five months, I'm in a lovely new relationship that forces me to face some old demons, the wildfire has made the air too thick for my lungs, and I've let go of the stabilizers in my life -eating well, regular exercise, time to decompress and process.
There is no "easy button" to counteract the "panic button." I can't simply work harder to make it all go away.
So, I'm back to the basics... Spiritual basics... every day, set aside time for prayerful meditation, sit on the ground and breathe slowly and deeply and remind myself I am safe and loved and protected at all times by a God who loves me beyond all reason. Physical basics... eating well, eating frequently, being aware of my body and its needs, getting enough sleep, getting enough movement. Emotional basics... talking to my friends, hanging out with people who love me, feeling my feelings and being real, taking time to be and see and wonder at the beauty of the world.
Because when I am immersed in the beauty of the world, the fear simply floats away.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Love and Weariness and Forgiveness
I wonder if that is how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night? (Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner)
It sometimes seems funny to me how often my life circles back to this theme of forgiveness. Forgiveness can be the very hardest thing I take on in a day...or week... or year. Forgive, forgive, forgive, and then again, forgive.
Sometimes, I wish forgiveness was always like that quote above -one day you just wake up and voila! Forgiveness happened and I didn't even notice. It is like that sometimes.
For me, mostly, it is not. Sometimes even after forgiveness, there is pain -the hurt of the injury, the hurt of wishing for something that can never be, the pain of dealing with the scars and ripple effects.
Or the pain of watching those same people make those same mistakes over and over again -maybe with me, maybe with others. I am weary from the simple repetition.
Yet, I am so grateful for the healing that has transformed my life so significantly. I look back sometimes and can hardly believe the weight from all that anger and fear that I carried with me ALL THE TIME.
The greatest flower of forgiveness that I have witnessed is freedom. I still remember (probably because it only happened about two years ago) the very moment when I really and truly realized that My Life is Now My Own and I can do anything at all with it I choose without reference to anyone I do not want in it -simply because I could finally release all the pain and fear through forgiveness.
The Love of God poured through me and I understood in a way I never could before that my life was no accident, no mistake, that I am LOVED and cherished and that my entire purpose for being is to show that same love to all I encounter. We are ALL loved that way. In our ugliness, hate, destruction, violence, and all the inhuman things we humans do to each other, sometimes without any thought at all... we are loved, cherished, forgiven.
Those of us that really understand that are called to the highest purpose of all -spreading that news.
It sometimes seems funny to me how often my life circles back to this theme of forgiveness. Forgiveness can be the very hardest thing I take on in a day...or week... or year. Forgive, forgive, forgive, and then again, forgive.
Sometimes, I wish forgiveness was always like that quote above -one day you just wake up and voila! Forgiveness happened and I didn't even notice. It is like that sometimes.
For me, mostly, it is not. Sometimes even after forgiveness, there is pain -the hurt of the injury, the hurt of wishing for something that can never be, the pain of dealing with the scars and ripple effects.
Or the pain of watching those same people make those same mistakes over and over again -maybe with me, maybe with others. I am weary from the simple repetition.
Yet, I am so grateful for the healing that has transformed my life so significantly. I look back sometimes and can hardly believe the weight from all that anger and fear that I carried with me ALL THE TIME.
The greatest flower of forgiveness that I have witnessed is freedom. I still remember (probably because it only happened about two years ago) the very moment when I really and truly realized that My Life is Now My Own and I can do anything at all with it I choose without reference to anyone I do not want in it -simply because I could finally release all the pain and fear through forgiveness.
The Love of God poured through me and I understood in a way I never could before that my life was no accident, no mistake, that I am LOVED and cherished and that my entire purpose for being is to show that same love to all I encounter. We are ALL loved that way. In our ugliness, hate, destruction, violence, and all the inhuman things we humans do to each other, sometimes without any thought at all... we are loved, cherished, forgiven.
Those of us that really understand that are called to the highest purpose of all -spreading that news.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
The Eyes Have It
Adjusting to life post Barcelona has been tough, folks. Not only are there no croissants de xocholat to be found in my town, nor cafe con leche... I've had to accept that I am not of the idle rich meant to spend my life cavorting about Europe.
Readjusting to work was hard. I got a bucket of cold water in the form of really rude emails that shocked me into realizing a few things I did not want to admit about my work environment.
Today one of my work friends and I were chatting and I mentioned that I'm feeling a bit pulled in different directions. She looked at me and said, Yeah, I can see that. I see it around your eyes. You're stressed.
When I count it all up... Of my normally 6-person small team, I have been down two people for almost one year. This means I have been covering the work of myself and two other people for almost a year.
No wonder I'm cracking up a bit. I'm just really freaking tired.
Well, the only person that can fix that is me. So I'm giving it quite a bit of thought and prayer, and fingers crossed, a solution will appear.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Love and the Word No
I'm in love with a wonderful man who is in love with me. FB friends are regularly treated to the sight of two middle-aged people swooning over each other. No dignity, I tell you.
Before I posted this, I got Rob's permission because this is super personal stuff that involves him. But, well, it is real and possibly will help someone, somewhere, maybe.
On with the story:
One of the many things we have in common is a commitment to Jesus through our faith. We both are rabidly Catholic, and in the course of discussing Marriage and Building a Life Together, we confronted two things that every couple has to be on the same page about: Sex and Children.
From the Get-Go, we declared our mutual intention to Wait Until Marriage. This is a firmly held value for both of us. We understand that no one except possibly my overly-interested family gives a rat's fluffy behind about this. This actually makes it more difficult. I mean, when you are only answering to your own conscience, it is easy to flip that switch sometimes.
Given that I have the willpower of a crumbling cracker, and he has been married before, we both made the promise to try to be strong for each other.
As an aside, I knew I wanted to marry him when I realized I could tell him anything, absolutely anything, and it didn't change his love for me.
But I knew I would walk through fire for him when the following happened:
I was visiting him in Tennessee. We were all curled up together, all cozy and happy and lovey-dovey. He made a joke about sex. I smiled and said, "Okay, let's go for it."
He looked at me, "I thought you wanted to wait!"
"Yeah, but we don't have to. I love you."
I was looking right in his eyes. I could see his thoughts spinning and his jaw sort of make that chewing motion that it does when he is thinking about something really hard. Then he exhaled and said, "No. I made a promise to you. I keep my promises. I love you too much to rush this."
Of course, then I just wanted him more. You know how they talk about in books that your heart swells up and you feel like you are going to just burst with love and suddenly you are running through flowery meadows...? Just like that, without the pollen.
I knew at that moment, we really belonged to each other. I knew I could trust his integrity, that he would look out for me when I forgot to look out for myself. I knew that I will forever be safe with him, because he carries me in his great big heart.
This kind, supersmart, strong, loving, thoughtful man blesses my life with his presence every day. I feel cherished and honored every single moment, and hope that I will live up to being the kind of wife such a good man deserves.
And I know what we are building together is worth the wait.
Before I posted this, I got Rob's permission because this is super personal stuff that involves him. But, well, it is real and possibly will help someone, somewhere, maybe.
On with the story:
One of the many things we have in common is a commitment to Jesus through our faith. We both are rabidly Catholic, and in the course of discussing Marriage and Building a Life Together, we confronted two things that every couple has to be on the same page about: Sex and Children.
From the Get-Go, we declared our mutual intention to Wait Until Marriage. This is a firmly held value for both of us. We understand that no one except possibly my overly-interested family gives a rat's fluffy behind about this. This actually makes it more difficult. I mean, when you are only answering to your own conscience, it is easy to flip that switch sometimes.
Given that I have the willpower of a crumbling cracker, and he has been married before, we both made the promise to try to be strong for each other.
As an aside, I knew I wanted to marry him when I realized I could tell him anything, absolutely anything, and it didn't change his love for me.
But I knew I would walk through fire for him when the following happened:
I was visiting him in Tennessee. We were all curled up together, all cozy and happy and lovey-dovey. He made a joke about sex. I smiled and said, "Okay, let's go for it."
He looked at me, "I thought you wanted to wait!"
"Yeah, but we don't have to. I love you."
I was looking right in his eyes. I could see his thoughts spinning and his jaw sort of make that chewing motion that it does when he is thinking about something really hard. Then he exhaled and said, "No. I made a promise to you. I keep my promises. I love you too much to rush this."
Of course, then I just wanted him more. You know how they talk about in books that your heart swells up and you feel like you are going to just burst with love and suddenly you are running through flowery meadows...? Just like that, without the pollen.
I knew at that moment, we really belonged to each other. I knew I could trust his integrity, that he would look out for me when I forgot to look out for myself. I knew that I will forever be safe with him, because he carries me in his great big heart.
This kind, supersmart, strong, loving, thoughtful man blesses my life with his presence every day. I feel cherished and honored every single moment, and hope that I will live up to being the kind of wife such a good man deserves.
And I know what we are building together is worth the wait.
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