No Rush To The Altar

I'm a fairly impulsive person by nature, and nowhere is this more evident than in my dating life.  I either get really excited about the possibilities and jump in head first, or the other person sees more potential than I do, but I jump in and hope for the best.

The funny part is that I'm also a commitment phobe.  After the heady rush of the falling in love stage, I'm usually eying the exit.  Took me a while to catch on to that.

Relationships have been a huge topic of conversation this week.  One friend who finally met someone in her life worth marrying is excited about the possibilities in the future.  We talked about how there really is no rush to the altar.  Any timeline is just in our heads.  

I had a very teary talk with another friend with a terminal illness who told me that when she dies, she wants her husband to remarry, and she hopes that his choice is me.  I told her that MY plan is for her to dance at my wedding to someone else, and about four years after she passes away, I will introduce him to my nicest friends. In the meantime, he wil always be invited to our home for Trival Pursuit and BBQ. I then begged her to never ever mention this conversation to her husband because I would just die.  

I'm thinking about how when you know someone is right in your life, there is a sort of quietness about it.  You're excited to see them, but there isn't a do-or-die feel about it.  It's calm.  And it isn't really public.  It doesn't get played out across Facebook. Your friends don't get dragged in.

It's a lovely sort of blossoming that you may not even notice is beautiful, until it is right there in front of you, waiting to be seen.

3 Weeks Sugar Free -Reporting In

Well, I've been sugar free for over three weeks, and reduced gluten intake to less than once/week.

Well, if I had relied on the advertising, I would be expecting every area of my life to have done a complete turnaround -my skin would be glowing, I'd be sleeping all night, my mood swings gone the way of the dodo, my home immaculate from nightly visits by house-elves, and my bank account overflowing.  I should have lost 60 pounds by now, too!

Because refined sugar and wheat are the devil, right? 

There were moments I was white knuckling it, I promise you.  A bad day at work traditionally means self-comforting through chocolate.  One day I was literally CRYING because I wanted cookies so bad.  I promised myself I could have ANYTHING for dinner, anything at all -pizza, Cajun BBQ, mac n cheese, ANYTHING that wasn't sugar.  After I got home and cried some more, I decided to just eat what I had in the house, which is all very practical and "clean" as the trainers say.

So, this very un-pretty addiction I have is pretty hard to break.  Sometimes I have to breathe through it.  Sometimes I have to just Feel My Feelings, being unable to numb out in sugar and junk food.  Feel. Acknowledge. Release.

As with every junkie, I want it most when I am hurting, lonely, sad or overwhelmed.  I spent all last year relying more on sugar to get through my life than God, and my commitment for this year has been to reverse that.

So there I am, feeling slightly stupid as I offer up my anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, craving for sugar, and say, "Jesus, I got nothing.  I know you are here.  Thank you for everything and everybody I have in my life.  Help me rely on you."

So here is what I see developing in my life as I walk away from this addiction and toward the person God created me to be:

My mood swings are fewer and farther between.  I have better control over my raw emotions.  I have better control over my asthma, rarely needing my rescue inhaler.  I do not know if I have lost weight, because I gave up weighing, and instead am measuring progress by obedience to the plan.  But I feel better, calmer, more energetic.

Still waiting on the house-elves.

When the Jeans Zip

I got a pair of half-price jeans this weekend and I'm rockin 'em at work today.

My colleague said, "Isn't it hard to spend money on clothes as you are losing weight?"

Yes, yes it is... but it is even harder to believe that I can actually fit into some of my clothes.  They just don't look big enough.  I ordered jeans a couple months ago online in the size that "felt" right, despite the size guide on the site telling me that would be too big.  I didn't trust it.  So, now I have another pair of jeans I can't wear, because THAT is how much bigger they are than I "felt" they would be.

I have a robe I've had for YEARS. I only wear it when I'm sick, and then usually over a couple layers of clothes, so until a few days ago, I did not realize that this size 28 robe would WRAP TWICE around my currently size 18 body.  (I'm keeping it, though.  It's very cuddly.)

I gained and lost 40 lbs last year.  Gained from stress.  Lost when I remembered that no matter how big an asshat a person is being, they are not forcing those cookies into my mouth, so I can't blame them for my bad coping mechanisms.

Anyway, this pair of half-price jeans is the first pair of new jeans I've bought since I lost the 2014 Fat Stash... trusting the measurements, they fit and are long enough and I love them.

And I have to admit, I felt sincere satisfaction when they zipped up without wiggling or jumping around the dressing room.  Since I'm not weighing myself until July, this is all I've got to go on.

These Weirdos Are My Tribe

“When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of ‘me too!’ be sure to cherish them. Because those weirdos are your tribe.”

That quote has been attributed to so many people, I have no idea of the source.

Whoever this person is, I want to meet him or her.  This is true wisdom.

One of the things I love about the members of my tribe is that they are all so different. Artists, writers, photographers, musicians, poets, preachers, athletes and so so many more, all masquerading as stay at home moms, corporate managers, cogs in The Machine... But we know better.  "Preparing a face to meet the faces that you meet..." is the reality of today's world.

But with our tribe we can be who we really are, and keep testing our limits to our identity.  I want to try to be an athlete... and there they are, cheering me on.  I want to be a writer... "You already are!" they grin at me.  When I'm whispering, "I think I can?" they are shouting, "We know you can! We will plan the party to celebrate your success!"

And when the inevitable fall-on-my-face occurs... many hands are reaching for me, setting me upright, brushing away my tears and assuring me the lessons I learned will help in the next attempt.

To name all the members of my tribe and their adorable attributes would take a year of blogging, but to the people I love, who love me, pray with me and for me, dance with me, sing with me, take long walks with me, call me, text me, lift heavy weights with me, travel with me, and face this crazy world with your hands entwined with mine... Thank you.

I love you.  I am grateful for you.  Thank you.

Compassion Project

This cool project was started about compassion... In an harmonized action, 1000 bloggers will spread the good news of compassion across the globe on Feb 20.

What does compassion mean to you?

When I was in law school, I ran out of money and had to make some hard decisions.  I decided to let my car insurance go.  When I went to the agent, who I didn't know from anyone, to let him know I was canceling my insurance, he asked why, and I was honest.  He took a long look at me and said, "if my daughter ran into trouble and couldn't come to me, for whatever reason, I would hope that someone would help her" and he covered my insurance for six months.  

Although I eventually paid him back, that act of kindness gave me hope that I would get through the hard times, and inspired me more times in my life than he likely ever intended.

I want to be like that insurance agent.  If he judged me for poor financial acumen, he never let on.  He saw a need he could help with, a virtual stranger, and he did.

I want to have that big of a heart.

No Yogi

It should been a clue that things would be different when the wall of heat hit me as I walked into the room, new yoga mat tucked under my arm.  Apparently the class before Yoga Basics is Hot Yoga.

"Great," I thought. "This should be named 'Poses In Hell.'"

I dutifully set up my mat, got my blocks, optimistically threw a towel down over the mat (really, I hate spraying down the mat!) and waited quietly for class to begin.

The teacher, who is adorable, said, "Yeah, this is called Yoga Basics, but we have people who have been coming a while, so this will be pretty challenging."

"Then perhaps a new class name is in order??" I groused silently.  I grumbled to myself a bit then.  It's hot in here. This is gonna suck. I wanna go home and eat some of that pulled pork my crockpot is making for me.

Then I smiled at my grouchy self and said, again, totally in my head, "You're just nervous. It will be fine."

And it was.

No, it didn't fit the web site description.  Yes, I had to do a fair bit of adapting, and again sharing with the teacher that no, my joints don't line up, so yes, that is how my feet go, and sweating so much I began to worry about dehydration. I had to remove the towel from the mat about 10 minutes in because it was too slidey to get a firm grip, so I could see my own body fluid pooling in the grooves.

But once I gave myself permission to be new, to suck, to ask for help, to ACCEPT help, to make the necessary accommodations unashamed, I was able to just be in the moment, be grateful for the experience, smile at the people around me, and even marvel at the amount of dripping sweat my body can produce and yet survive.

I am no yogi, but I may become slightly addicted to this.

Love Never Fails

My niece, Rachel, who is an objectively-speaking badass young woman, has a saying on her Instagram that I stole for my own use. I have no idea where she got it.

FEAR: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything and Rise. Your choice.

So. True.

I got a call I was sort of expecting to tell me that yet again I was the Number Two candidate for a position I coveted.  I was so sad and disappointed!  Got teary and everything!

So, following Rachel's stellar advice, I decided right then and there to just feel my feelings, be sad and disappointed, but to Trust in God's infinite love for me.  I am right where He wants me.  I can face that challenge, or simply run away and abandon everything I've worked for.

It is always a choice, isn't it?

Even in the midst of my vast disappointment, I was surrounded by love, from the comfort of friends and family to the peace I felt in accepting this situation, in the peace at deciding to stop job hunting and bloom where I'm planted. One of my SILs gave me six months of yoga lessons! I gotta use that up!

I am here for a reason. No clue what that is, but God has had Ample opportunity to move me out this past year, and here I remain.

A few people at my job know, the ones I am using for references.  The comfort it gave me when they said, I am sad for you, but happy for me. I don't want you to go! was immense.

This will be a great year.  No matter what happens, I am not alone, I am surrounded by love and have people in my life who believe in my purpose, even though no one of us know exactly what that is.

And I can continue to work on becoming the kind of person I want to be.

One Thing Remains

I did make a NY resolution: to wear makeup to work.  Day 1 was successful but did throw off my timing a bit.

Everything else has a plan.

On Epiphany Sunday, I had an epiphany.  I felt like 2014 was just marking time.  I accomplished less than I wanted, had relationships blow up, gained some weight, lost the weight, filled the holes in my life with sugar and swung my raw emotions around like a flamethrower.

But it wasn't just marking time.  I got a front row seat to what happens when I let my spiritual life grow cold on a back burner.  I got whelmed by life, then overwhelmed, again and again.  Relying on my own resources does that.

I made a few commitments and shared them with people who need to know so I can be held accountable, but the biggest, most important commitment I made was to spend time with God, every single day, and to hold up every decision, every emotion, every reaction, to His healing love.


My theme song for 2015:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6gKqddEw-Y

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

In death, in life
I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love