...it is not by the sword or the spear that the Lord saves...1Sam 17:47

I will dance and resist and dance and persist and dance. This heartbeat is louder than death. “ — Suheir Hammad

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Girly Gym Stuff

My gym offers all kinds of things to make sure you are ready for work: lots of showers, body wash/shampoo, conditioner, lotion, towels, hair dryers, etc..  No need to bring ANY of that stuff.

One day as I was showering at home, enjoying all the special soaps and lotions and potions being a girl gives me a right to, I realized that I shower at the gym more than I shower at home.  So most of the time, I am using perfectly practical stuff that isn't lovely in any way.

I have pretty fluffy towels at home.  Shampoo that promises magic will happen to my hair and smells positively divine.  Body wash that takes me to Paris.  Moisturizer from Fizzy Bella that is all orangey and delicious.

At the gym, I get clean in an institutional way and then dry off with tiny scratchy towels!

This makes no sense!!

So, I am now adding to my gym bag delightful little bottles of all the fun girly stuff and packing my own towels.  I have the prettiest, fluffiest towels at the gym.  I noticed this morning that a couple other ladies are following my lead, having discussed my reasons for doing this.  Apparently, I am not the only woman who appreciates great towels and delicately scented soap!

Seriously, nothing is nicer after a gruelingly sweaty workout than to stand under a hot shower surrounded by a lavender garden.

I bet even the guys secretly like that.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Honor and Respect

I had a few things clarified for me this past weekend.  Clarity and purpose are both very good things.

There were various messages throughout the weekend about following Christ.  The readings for Mass were about taking up our cross and following Christ.  The homily talked about how following Christ is something the world cannot understand and it will set you up for ridicule.  The Cross is not an easy thing to bear, and in fact can only be done with the grace of God.  The Love of Christ is meant to be spread, not kept in a closet.

Some of the other things that happened addressed, "What do you care about deeply?  What are you afraid of? Be fearless in following Christ's call to you!  Focus on His call and your fears will fade."

Sunday I went to a great yoga class, and at one point the teacher said, "What is it that is important to you and why is it important? Focus on that and all the noise will fade."

A friend visited whom I love deeply, and with whom I have almost nothing in common except our mutual badassedness.  In course of our weekend some other things clarified for me.

1. I care about money to the extent that I do not have to choose between paying rent or paying the light bill or buying medicine.  "Rich" does not interest me except when I daydream about setting up a foundation and becoming a philanthropist.  This can be construed as irresponsible by some, but here is the truth.

2. My only regrets in life come from not following my gut instinct and instead doing what I thought other people expected of me, or bowing to peer pressure or letting my fear overwhelm me.

3.  Things are meant to be used.  People are meant to be honored and respected and loved.  Problems come when the two get mixed up.  This holds true even for people who do not honor, respect or love me.

4.  Peace and security have absolutely nothing to do with not picking fights or being wealthy or being protective.  Passivity is not peace.  Peace is a gift and an intention.  Security is linked to a deep peace.  Money does give me options, but if I base my sense of security in the pursuit of wealth, I will never have enough.  Security is also not the pursuit of always being completely safe in an objective sense.  I can never be 100% safe -crimes and emotional hurts happen every day, everywhere.  The deep peace of Christ comes from the faith that His hand upholds me even in the midst of violence and despair.  This is not an easy thing.  It is a gift and a practice.

5.  My fears are real in some sense, overblown in others, and useless for following the Way.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

When I pray this, it is an offering of my entire life to the will of God.  Sometimes I snatch it back, but the essence of this is to be the Light of Christ in the world.

When I do not take the time to be silent and let all the noise of the world fade away (my ambition, my desire for comfort, my grasping for a sense of safety, the voices of others who do not follow Christ) I am drawn in too many directions to be effective or have any sense of peace and a paralyzing fear is sure to follow.

I vaguely recall a line from a poem (the name of the author now faded into history) that sums it up nicely:

The way is long and the water deep
you must not only walk there
but be prepared to leap.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Crazy food!

So, I'm one week in to this crazy no-sugar thing I'm trying out.  So far, everything I have been told has shown true:  More energy, less reactivity, a sense of moral superiority.  I've also apparently kicked my body back into fat-burning mode because I am HOT ALL THE TIME!!!

As always when behaving sensibly is working out, I think of all the diets people try out in the name of losing weight.

Really, it REALLY does just boil down to: Eat Right and Exercise.

I have had more people tell me more crazy things in the name of weight loss: Ladies saying they always bulk up when they lift weights... people saying to not eat fat, or carbs, or... fill in the demonized food of the day.  Heck, even this no-sugar thing is more about weaning off a drug than the idea that I Can Never Have Dessert Again.

I can promise you, I WILL eat dessert again -probably pretty soon as I am going on vacation next week.

Jo-The-Registered-Dietitian advised me from the very beginning -eat dessert when you want to, just never eat it by itself, and take into consideration the rest of your food plan that day.

SO that's the plan once I break from this sugar fast.

It usually does just boil down to the basics: eat protein every time I eat, limit refined carbs, eat lots of vegetables and fruit, exercise a wee bit of discipline but don't get all controlling.

Annnnd: Exercise.  You don't have to be a freak about that, either.  Your body won't thank you for pounding on it mercilessly, especially when you eventually give up because you can't keep up that sort of torture long term.  Listen to your body.

Your body is your friend.  Be kind. Be loving. Give it what it needs.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Big Scary Weight Room

Today as I arrived at the gym, the cardio room was so quiet I wondered if it was closed.  Yay, peace and quiet!  As I walked past the cardio equipment into the weight room, I had a slight flash of insecurity. 

Shivering (that room is kept at about 60 degrees) I eyed a room STUFFED with big scary guys trying their darndest to yank the weight machines off their bolts and grunting and sweating and growling and grimacing at each other.  And I, chubby, middle-aged, and sucking on an inhaler, was the only woman in sight.

Did I miss a memo??

I chanted (in my head, not out loud) "You have just as much right to be here as any of them.  Keep your ground.  This is YOUR space!  It's the very same room you walk into every single day!  You've seen every single guy in here before.  Being all grouped together doesn't change anything."

Still, I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as I started my warm-up.  I kept up my chant about owning my space.  I felt more confident as I noticed them not noticing me.  Serious people focus on their own work-out and these guys, friends though they were with each other, were serious.

I moved through my workout plan, eventually forgetting to be self-conscious.

Time for the kettlebell swings.  Four guys (each taller than me, BTW, which is saying something!) were standing around a fifth guy doing pull-downs with a truly impressive amount of weight.  They were partially blocking the kettlebell rack.

I bit my lip and scooted around them to score a kettlebell.  The ones behind me moved in closer to see the guy pulling the weight down. I was surrounded!

I took a deep breath, laughed a bit and said brightly, "I'm trapped!!"  All the guys laughed, and stepped aside.  One quipped, "You need to learn how to push people out of the way!" and we exchanged a few more witty words and I moved back into my "zone."  as I stuck my earbuds back in, one said, "Only a 40 pounder?" and another guy rolled his eyes and said to me, "He's just jealous cause he does 25!" which made us all grin.  When I went back to exchange kettlebells, they moved out of my way to clear the rack.

THEN, the rest of my time there, these scary guys smiled at me and were very nice to me.  Then they didn't seem so scary.

Oh, and I crushed my workout.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Jar of Blessings

Okay, I'm going to cultivate a positive attitude, darn it!

At the beginning of the year, I had decided to focus on all the good things that happen to me, rather than the challenging things.  To that end, I stole an idea fair and square off Facebook, and annexed an unused cookie jar for the effort.

Every day, I would write down one good thing that had happened that day. At the end of the year, I would have a whole bunch of good things that had happened to remind me how awesome life really is.  I mean, it's all about the little things, really, isn't it?

Last night I noticed it sitting on my microwave. I see this jar every single day and have apparently managed to ignore it.  When I looked in it, I saw that I have not put in one single thing since March.  Funny enough, my attitude has been really awful since about then.

Yesterday saw a LOT of challenges.  I was very scheduled, had some big stuff going on, was really tired, got a few bits of disappointing news.  I crawled into bed early without even eating dinner.

Still, I had noticed the jar.

Like thinking through marshmallow goo, I tried to think of some good thing that happened yesterday. Just one. One!

And then I found my smile.

I had gone to breakfast with dear Lori, who is one of the most loving and caring REAL people I've ever met.  Just that bit of time gave me strength for the rest of the day.

I led a two-hour all-division meeting (about 80 people) that went extremely well.  I'm terrified of public speaking.  When I spoke with Katrina, my assistant, about that right before the meeting she looked shocked.  Then she said that made her feel better I had said that, because I always look so calm and cool, she thought I was a natural.  I assured her it is a learned skill, not a talent.  "Never let 'em see you sweat!" :-)  She said that made her feel like someday she will be good at that, too.

I had a fun happy hour with some colleagues who are nice to spend time with.


This morning, every song I heard, every word someone spoke to me before I got to work, had to do with being content in any given circumstance.

Any. Given. Circumstance.

Line from a song: 
And where would I be without You, without You
I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way...

Phil 4:11 ... I have learned to be content in all circumstances...

And I suppose that is where my smile will always be found.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bad Habits

"Is losing weight a goal for you?" That said, in a slightly challenging tone, made me think.

My first year of this healthy living thing where I saw the bulk of my weight loss occur, was a very difficult year.  I was learning how to be healthy and balanced and live in a sane way.  I was learning new habits.  In the course of about 14 months, I went from bursting out of a size 30 to a comfortable 16/18.

And, there I have stayed, going on 18 months now.

I have felt frustrated because I'm still exercising, still eating within reasonable caloric limits, still focusing on being healthy and balanced and sane.  I've had some falls along the way.

What are my goals? Where do I want to be?

And the big question:  Do I really want to lose more weight?  I still have about 60 lbs of excess fat that could yet be shed.

During the tough times of this past year, I revisited some old bad habits.  While I was not technically "overeating" or abusing food, I was eating most of my calories on many, many days as refined sugar.  Some improvements were made (incorporating a green shake in the morning, keeping sane in restaurants) but the dependence on a sugar high to numb me out and get me through was probably more evident than I wanted to admit.

When I was stressed out or tired, I reached for the quick fix.

Losing weight means getting away from those easy habits and refocusing on nutrition.  Losing weight means dealing with all the feelings that come when there isn't much of a barrier between me and the world.

Losing weight does NOT mean I will get to wear cooler clothes, like I hoped it would.  Being over 6 ft tall means nothing off the rack ever looks right or is long enough, no matter what size it is.  All of the excess skin from dramatic weight loss means that I will never look "hot" so that's off the table as a motivation.

I know I want to be stronger.  I want to run farther.  Those are better achieved with a bit less fat on my body.

I think what I really want to do is refocus on shedding those bad habits, reinforcing my good ones, to stop nitpicking at myself for not going as fast at everything as I feel I ought to be.

I am pledging to stop weighing myself (which only makes me crazy anyway) and look at my food choices in line with a healthy life and improvements in what my body can do, as opposed to its size.

That seems more right than numbers on a scale.

Monday, June 17, 2013

A Different Light

It is always easier to look back and realize what was going on, as opposed to figuring something out in the middle of it.

2012 was a tough year.  My most fervent prayer was that 2013 would see all the muck left behind.  Sadly, the mere change of the calendar changed nothing, and spring ended up being just as tough, and my reserves (mental, emotional) were gone.  I feel a tiredness that goes bone deep.

I had a chat with a friend yesterday that caused a bit of sober thinking.  It wasn't that everything he said was new, just maybe something in the way he said it penetrated all the distractions swirling around my head... or maybe I was finally ready to really hear it.

I was complaining about not losing any more weight in spite of how much I exercise and count calories, etc. He asked me what my goals are, not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally.  I couldn't articulate it at the time, so said a few peripheral things, like wanting to write more and be more creative, dance more, etc., but none of that was the core truth.

At the core of all the angst, I really want to know that I belong somewhere. I want to find my "home" with all its connotations of safety, acceptance, love, healing, peace, rest, forgiveness.

I've been a bit of gypsy all my life seeking some place or person I could just call "home."  I still haven't found that.

When I was 28 and left the Daughters of Charity where I had tried out pre-postulancy, they prayed over me.  I remember part of it was Jer 29:11, which I have since adopted as my own personal hope I hang my entire spirituality on.  At the heart of that entire letter to exiles is the promise of home.

One part of the prayer one sister prayed over me has resonated for the last 15 years: "May you find strength for this journey in the Source whose Heart is your home."

A few years ago, I wrote a poem called, "The Way" about that idea of being called out of exile... here's a little bit of it:
...
I call your name from your own desert sands
away from the darkness, across wild lands.
We have a home. I've been waiting for you
where the Light kisses Life and the whole world is new.
...

In the midst of all this mental and emotional and even physical exhaustion, I find it very hard to remember that my home has nothing to do with a geographical location.  The light I am seeking isn't just a candle in a window.  This Light is different and permanent and has everything to do with taking time to be in relationship with God -the Source whose Heart is my Home.

The Truth at the center of this is best summed up by the Indigo Girls: "The closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free..."

Looking at this struggle in a different Light, I'm better able to let go of these familiar fears about safety and control and loneliness and take a sober look at my own actions.  In the different Light, my knee-jerk reactions to feel safe and in control seem not merely ineffective, but downright silly.

In this Light, where I am on a map is irrelevant -because I dwell in the house of the Lord.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Listen to the Mustn'ts

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”  -Shel Silverstein

I had a dream about eight years ago that I still remember so clearly, I know it was a prophetic dream.  Immediately upon waking, I whispered, out loud, "Lord, help me prepare for the battle to come."  When I thought about that statement later, and got over how melodramatic it seemed (because at the time I said it, it was the exact right thing to say!) I still didn't know what it all meant. I didn't know my biggest battles would be in my heart and my head.

Ever since a friend, as she henna'd my arms with flowers, said, "Those are lotuses.  They symbolize beauty that grows from dark places" I have been drawn to them. It's true, you know.  The seeds germinate in dark swampy water and only bloom when their long stems reach light and air.

That's like people.  As long as we keep pointed toward the light, we will outgrow the murky water over our heads, eventually blooming into the person God created us to be.  With all the voices, inside and out, calling out Don't and Mustn't and Impossible and Shouldn't, it takes a lot of effort to believe sometimes.  It takes determination to believe we are WORTH THE EFFORT.  Sometimes, especially when that still small voice calls us toward a light we can't even see, we must be helped in our unbelief.  We stand only because someone else is holding us up.

In faith, all that darkness turns out something  like this:




Some lotuses grow so big and strong, people can actually stand on the leaves.  Then those flowers that sometimes lost faith that the sun would ever shine on them become the ground someone else can stand on.

Amen.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Quite Fine, Okay and More than Sufficient

"Okay, God, you know what all my needs are better than I do. You also know all the solutions. MY solutions do not appear to be working out very well. Please lead me to Your solutions, whatever they may be and wherever they may lie. Thank You. Amen." (me, every other day or so...)

My friend Lori uses the expression, when embarking on a new venture, "God, please bless it or break it!"

I'm a bit afraid to ask that of Him.  Sometimes my absolute ACHE for certain things to happen make me honestly not care if God is in it or not, and what if He took me seriously and wiped out the possibility of that thing?

I told another friend about a new job lead that looks promising and he emailed, "I have great faith that if you do move, that you will be leaving while you're in a good, strong place physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you aren't then I pray that God closes that door so you stay longer to work on it."

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! iwantoutoutoutoutoutoutoutoutout!!!!!!!

Okay, yeah, I know, God works all things for our good.  Whatever!

So, in the midst of these decisions, I had to sit for a while and think, "Okay, what if these events I earnestly hope for do not come to pass and I find myself here another year despite all my best effort?"

The absolute despair and sadness and isolation that washed over me at the mere thought is difficult to describe.  I do not want that.  I am looking for a geographic solution -out.

Yet, faith means being okay with the results, trusting that God sees the big picture, and everything does in fact work to our good.

2-1/2 years ago I requested a transfer to Phoenix. I had all sorts of reasons, and my boss said no.  Since I really love my job, after pouting privately for a while, I realized I had to make my life work for me here.  I had to stop looking for a geographic solution.

Looking back, that was the greatest blessing-in-disguise I have ever received.  If I had been transferred, I would never have assembled the awesome team who helped me get my life and health back. I would never have been in the position to get all the great experience that allows me to look at shinier jobs.  I would have continued to run from the real problems.

No matter how much I want something, I have evidence that any disappointment leads to something even better.

So, no matter how things turn out, everything is quite fine, okay and more than sufficient.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Breaking Bad

The process of being healthier meant breaking a LOT of bad habits.  Breaking the fast food habit.  Breaking the skipping meals habit. Breaking the eat-all-the-food-then-starve-myself habit.

So, when I had my bit of a crack up earlier in the year, some bad habits slid right back in.  I also dropped a few good habits, like every day exercise, but those came back pretty quickly.  I mean, I was whiny and weepy and resentful for a few days getting back into the groove, but moved along eventually. 

The bad habits are stubborn squatters.

I am a HUGE fan of refined sugar, especially chocolate.  One very bad habit I had dropped about four years ago was curling up in bed with a book and candy, and mindlessly eating candy while reading in bed.  When I moved to Flagstaff I decided that habit needed to go, and so stopped it, sort of.  Never curled up in bed, but sometimes on the couch.  Still as habits go, yay me.

One day as I found myself curled up in bed (having eschewed leaving the bed pretty much the whole day) with my iPad and a large bag of peanut M&Ms, it hit me that this habit that had been gone for YEARS had pushed its way back in.  Irritating, I tell you!

So my struggle, every single night, is the craving for sweets.  I do not keep them in the house (I'm not a purist, I have a stash at work, but do not have time at work to go really crazy on the chocolate. Plus, my assistant eats crazy healthy and would feel she wasn't doing enough to boost my mood if I turn to chocolate to feel better.  So we'd both feel bad.) but the craving is still there.  If I had anything in the house it would be eaten in minutes.

I can eat anything I want to and still lose weight.  It's all about quantity and timing, really.  The more refined sugar you eat, the more you want.  Eating it by itself, without a protein buffer, ensures that your blood sugar will spike and you will get sleepy and want more.  Eating it mindlessly means that I will eat waaaay too much, and frankly, feel really awful later -both physically and emotionally.

So, it feels like back to the drawing board, and it may be that this will always be my Achilles' heel -this occasional overwhelming consuming urge that all the chocolate in the world cannot alleviate, but CAN narcotize. 

Still, I like to dream of a day that whatever vacuum that urge is trying to fill is figured out and satisfied with whatever it really needs.

Probably isn't chocolate.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Super Model and a Really Long Walk!

Saturday was the perfect day to run around Flagstaff pretending to be a supermodel.  My friend Stephanie is a photographer, and she offered to take pictures of me, since I don't actually have many of myself.

We went all over town, me hobbling on 6-inch stiletto heels and carrying the tripod.  We took pictures of each other, but I suspect the ones she took of me turned out better.  I don't know because she hasn't let me see them.

This is how I started the day:


This is my fav pic:



By the time we got to Sedona, we were really hot and tired, so none of those turned out very well.

The next day was my scheduled Long Hike.  Well, long for me.  We got a late start, it was terribly windy and the air quality was very, very poor.  Still, I intended to walk 6 miles, and I was by golly going to walk 6 miles.  I'm building up my endurance for taking a REALLY long hike in the fall in Spain.  I want to be able to walk 15 miles without dying by mid-September.

The sun was directly overhead for most of the hike.  Even with sunscreen, a hat and sunglasses, I still came home with a burn.  Roxy kept up gamely as long as we stopped whenever there was a wee bit of shade.  It was actually freakin miserable.

Fairly close to the end, Roxy just stopped, right there in the bright sun, middle of the trail.  She was done.  Water wouldn't make her move.  She turned away from treats.

Only one thing to do.  Thanking God that Roxy only weighs about 20 lbs, I picked her up and carried her. As miserable as I was, she was much worse off.  We cut the hike short.

When we got home, both of us hot, sweaty and wiped out, Roxy took a few sips of water and bites of food, then crawled under the bed and stayed there for about 6 hours.  I drank some water, turned on the fan, crawled into bed and fell asleep.  I thought to myself that I ought to eat something, but the mere thought made me slightly ill.

After I woke up, it took a couple hours for me to feel like eating again, and then I felt RAVENOUS!  Fortunately, my friend Annette was free for dinner, so we hopped over to the Lumberyard where I ate pretty much all the food in the whole place.