Weight Loss is Not Simple Math

My original post was going to be all about rejoicing at finally feeling normal again.  Then I changed my mind.

So, I decided to tell a bit of my "before" story because it seems like a lot of people think that weight loss is an easy formula: exercise more than you eat, and voila! Health and happiness abounds.

EVERYTHING affects weight loss.  My thyroid was all wonky and I tell you, it was pure heartache to eat perfectly, exercise regularly, take my vitamins... and not see the scale budge one pound.  The response from my first doctor was: You are probably eating more than you think you are. 

Except I wasn't.  I wrote it all down, every bite and how much and calories.  I am the first person in line to beat myself up for not being perfect.  If I so much had had a slice of pizza those months, I would have completely blamed my lack of self-discipline.  I tend to be brutally honest about my failings -the emphasis on brutal.

It took getting to a doctor who knew which tests to do for thyroid problems to fix that.  Suddenly, a little pink pill allowed my body to perform its natural balanced function.  I realized my problem was not, and had never been self-discipline.  My doctor herself was a source of encouragement.

So, why was I still abusing food sometimes?  Eating too much, too little, always wrapping it in guilt.  Somehow I had bought into the really stupid and evil notion that if I just didn't need to eat anything at all, then everything would be okay.  In came a wonderful therapist who helped me shed all that crazy-making false identity that kept me not only from merely losing weight, but knowing who I am.

In the middle of this, an amazing registered dietitian who specializes in helping people with eating disorders came into my life and helped me look at food itself in a completely different way.  Food isn't love, but it also isn't merely fuel.  If it was, it would not be a worldwide phenomenon that you share meals with people you love and celebrate with special food.  i still check in with her occasionally sometimes to keep a box around my natural tendency to be scrupulous and perfectionistic, and she reminds me I eat better than 90% of the people she sees, and that no matter how far I think I have to go, I am on the right road.

Almost three years ago I bowed to good advice to invest in myself and a healthy future and started working out with a trainer.  It was a gamble as I had tried out several different trainers before I met him and he was exactly the opposite of what I thought I needed.  And I had NO IDEA how much I needed someone like him in my life.  Despite my ups and downs and moving forwards and stepping backwards and getting sick or hurt and then frustrated with recovery and dealing with all the emotional and mental heavy lifting I had taken on... he is a cheerleader and encourager and a rock and a positive influence and an occasional reality check and reminds me to be kind to myself and look to Jesus.

None of my success in getting healthy happened in a vacuum.  Without the support of dear people (even my amazing massage therapist who gave me roses for my first track practice in a running class!) who believed in me before I could believe in myself and trust in a loving God who is pro-my-life, too... I would still be pushing that rock up a hill, and punishing myself for not succeeding.

Learning to love yourself enough to take good care of yourself requires community, wherever they happen to be geographically located.  I cannot name all the people who have loved me through this because every time I think of the blessing of a particular person, yet another pops to mind.

I've written this topic before, but I really really want to encourage everyone who feels caught in a web of self-shame and uncertainty and compulsive behavior, there is a way out.  Not an easy road, but a true one.

Bless It or Break It

You know how something develops in your life, and you think, hmmm, this could be interesting?  Then, as time goes on, you become slowly, almost unconsciously, more invested.  You start to picture yourself in that place or circumstance.  In a moment of clarity, you realize that that vague interest has turned into a burning WANT and you realize that terrible disappointment could be right around the corner.

It could be a job, or a move, or a promotion or a relationship or any host of things.

So, how do you handle it?

I mean, we all WANT to think we handle this sort of uncertainty with grace and trust.  Surely I am not the only one in the world who handles these sorts of things with less grace than strictly warranted under the circumstances.

My dear friend Lori always prays, Lord, bless it or break it. This is Your decision, not mine.

"But you know, God, I really WANT it!!"  That is exactly the time when I need that sort of holy intervention.  When I want something too badly, I can't see clearly, I ignore red flags, and I simply take the action.

When the anxiety sets in, I have to work Very Hard to not fall back into unhealthy behavior -specifically eating a boatload of junk food and curling up into a corner to obsess.  Sugar/carb cravings are apparently a natural physiological response to stress and the worst thing to actually do to combat it.

What does help?  Eating healthy and exercise -right at the time it is hardest to do.

The Mass readings from this past Sunday focused on the fact that following Christ means striving.  Striving means that just knowing the right thing to do isn't enough -you have to actually do it especially when it seems like the hardest thing to do. 

There are MANY harder things in life than just eating right and exercising, but when the time comes to drink the healthy green shake instead of the salted caramel brownie or tie on those running shoes instead of crashing in front of the TV when every fiber of your being is pleading to numb out, those choices can seem positively Herculean.

Nothing worth having is easy.  Whether that is living a healthy life or striving for truth or standing up to something that is wrong or living with necessary uncertainty for a while, being called to a higher way of life is not the comfortable road.

It is a simple way, not the easy way.

Near Occasions Of Sin

Nothing like dramatic license, right?

Anyway, the best way I've found to stick to food plans and performing exercise plans is to add a simple tool to the toolbox: avoiding temptation.

As Catholics, we call this avoiding near occasions of sin.  For example, if you struggle with sleeping around, stop going to hook-up bars.  If you struggle with lying, take moment to think through what you are about to say and acknowledge to yourself it is untruth then either shut up or tell the truth.  If you struggle with impure-thoughts-leading-to-impure-actions -well, no one's come up with a good resolution to that.  St. Paul just told us to all get married.  Thanks for nothing, dude.

So, I have FB "liked" various restaurants and bakeries I enjoy.  So, every day, I am treated to pictures of delicious, devourable treats.  I have friends who post Pinterest pics of delicious, heavy food.  I look at these while drinking my delicious green shake.  While the sanctimonious feeling is somewhat sustaining, it pales in comparison to the thought of peanut butter brownies topped with marshmallow goo.

Oh, yeah.

I'm being relatively successful weaning myself off the mac-n-cheese-and-pudding-cup diet I was on while ill. 

Still. Brownies. Dang.  Because I LOVE my friends, I do not repost or share temptations.  (I also do not post, share, or "like" any motivational memes that only show body parts instead of the whole person.  My own personal war against objectification of humans.)

So, I grab at any straw to stay on the wagon, and today a friend posted a really delicious looking healthy recipe.

http://civilizedcavemancooking.com/entrees/beef/sweet-potato-breakfast-skillet/

Since it has all my fav things, I am going to try it.  Probably not better than impure-thoughts-leading-to-impure-actions, but likely to be tasty AND fulfill my needs to feel superior.

Not Pretty Enough

This morning at the gym, we were talking about weightlifting.  I shared that when I'm working out by myself, I go lighter than I do with my trainer, because I'm worried I'll drop a weight on my head and sustain a traumatic brain injury and be confined to a nursing home forever and and not be able to communicate except through drooling.  Then I quipped, "I need my brain! I'm not pretty enough to make a good living with my body!"

Ringing through the locker room came a voice, "Don't SAY that!  You are gorgeous!  You totally could!!!"

When we stopped laughing, I said, "Well, perhaps I really mean, I'd RATHER make a living with my brain!"

"That's MUCH better!" my gym friend said.  "Don't ever say things like that about yourself!"

My first thought was, wow, she is so sweet!  My next thought was, I didn't really MEAN it.  My third thought was, Well, maybe I did, a teeny wee bit.

Some mornings I wake up and think, Wow, I'm cute!

Other mornings, I wake up and all I see is excess skin and puffiness and everything that droops.  This was one of those mornings.  I didn't want to go work out.  I was running a half hour late and kept thinking, I will barely be able to break a sweat, there is only, like 45 minutes!

After my workout (which focused on core to help my poor struggling lower back) I felt great.  Chipper, even!  Bad mood crunched away.

Then, I could NOT RESIST getting on the scale.  Bad move.  UGH UGH UGH!!!  It did NOT support the glowy feeling which immediately fled.  So I did have some mean/sad thoughts going into the locker room.

What is funny is that not two days ago my trainer and I had a discussion about giving myself more grace, being more compassionate toward myself... making peace with myself, really.  I have conquered quite a bit, and when I only see what is left to accomplish (in my mind) I forget where I started.

Things I Conquered:

1.  Drinking liters of sugary soda everyday
2.  Living off fast food
3.  Alternating no exercise at all with a punishing level of physical activity
4.  Shame and guilt from life stuff with which I had no actual fault
5.  Eating disorders/ self harm
6.  Beating myself up over stupid stuff (mostly :-) )
7.  Needing to fix situations over which I have no control
8.  Abusing food to numb out from the world
9.  Hiding behind excess fat and baggy clothes
10. Feeling like life is simply something that happens and I have no choices
11.  Feeling like I am not supposed to be alive
12.  My value lies only in my productivity and not being a burden, ever, on anyone
13.  Feeling unsafe in most situations
14.  Mostly feeling ugly and being scared of being too pretty.
15. An insane amount of irrational fear

because I took all the little steps and prayed and TRIED and sometimes won the big battles and sometimes had to pick myself up and start again, and again, and exercised faith that God loves me enough to help me heal.

Things I have allowed in because there was room once I released all that garbage:

1.  Accepting that I am supposed to be here, simply by existing
2.  The truth I am loved -by the Trinity and by other people- unearned, a gift
3.  Being inspired by others, instead of irritated and jealous
4.  Understanding that I count, too -I have a right to meet my own needs, to express my preferences and opinions, to set boundaries with others
5.  Confidence that I am safe in most situations -I have good "spidey sense" and can leave uncomfortable places and people, and most people are kind and not judgmental or critical or violent
6.  Enough self-love to treat myself with care and take loving care of myself -healthy food, exercise, peace of mind
7.  Self acceptance
8. More faith, hope, love, trust
9.  Allowing everyone else to be themselves and be on their own journey
10. Owning my own strength -inside and out
11.  Knowing I'm beautiful, and being okay with that.
12.  Allowing myself to be imperfect, tired, slow, achey, sick, in pain, running late... and knowing it is simply the "now," not the "forever."
13.  Knowing I am both blessed and blessing, wanted, cared for and able to carry Light to others.

"When Bad Attitudes Happen to Good People" -Or "My Attitude Adjustment"

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."

Normally, I dislike platitudes such as the above that try to over-simplify the messy process of being human.  I mean, I THOUGHT I could walk a half mile to a meeting I didn't want to drive to two days after spending the night in the emergency room.  Turned out, I was quite mistaken.  While walking back to my office, I had to stop twice to rest or risk passing out.  TWICE.  In a HALF MILE!  PASSING OUT!!

Still, I have to admit that this platitude hits a wee bit closer to home than I would like right now.

I have been looking forward to walking the Camino de Santiago since January when I bought my plane ticket to Madrid.  When I got sick last month, what with the recovery stymieing my Wolverinelike healing capabilities, doubt and anxiety crept in.

Being sensible, I'm putting together a Plan B for the remote possibility I won't have the stamina to walk for six or so hours a day.

Plan B began to seem more and more like a certainty that simply fed into the fear that despite all my best efforts, my physical abilities will be too limited to make my dream a possibility.  Just thinking about it made me tear up... and mentally give up.

Exhaustion does that to me.

I got a TOTAL shot in the arm last Friday however, when a friend came up from the Valley for a presentation on the Camino.  We had a nice crowd, some of whom had already walked it.  Listening to everyone's stories got me re-inspired. 

After the talk, I was chatting with one of the peregrinas, and shared my fear of not being able to complete the walk, even though I am starting close to the end (more due to time I have to take off work than anything else.)  I have felt a bit, shall we say, WEAK, for starting "only" about 120 km from the end.

When I hesitantly shared my plan with this woman who has walked 300 miles or so, several times, on the Camino, I waited for the usual response, "OH! Is there any way you can make it longer?"

Instead, she said, "That is a LOVELY place to start!  It is so beautiful! and you will be going at the best time of year -not too hot, not too cold, and not too crowded!"

When I shared my fear about my ability to walk so far, given my slow return to what is normal for me, she just smiled almost affectionately and said, "This is NEVER about how many miles you can do in a day.  Stay away from people who make this about being tough and fast and all that.  Go slow, take your time to notice the things around you and rest when you need to and stop when you need to -or just want to!  It's about YOUR Camino, not any one else's.  It isn't about physical strength. It is just putting one foot in front of the other on whatever path you alone are walking."

As her kindness sunk into my brain, I realized that somewhere along the line, I had turned this intended spiritual journey into a performance-based activity.

I know. Go figure.  Makes me shake my head and chuckle at myself. I mean, this is just something I DO, completely unintentionally yet oh-so-consistently.

I am setting my intention toward my Camino to simply show up, begin the walk, and remind myself until it really sinks in and takes hold, that it isn't about speed or distance, but the simple experience.

Motivation and Exhaustion

Well. Life. So.

Patience is not my strong suit.  Apparently God wants me to gain this skill.  He is giving me lots of opportunities to get practice.

I am one of those fools who REALLY BELIEVES that if you work hard, you see the results.  Figure out the formula, and you will find the solution.  Consistency is key.

Projects requiring long term consistency are not my strong suit.  Powering through a few sleepless nights to get something done on a deadline is where I shine.

Small daily decisions are the key to ultimate success.  The hardest decisions for me to make at the time they must be made are:

1.  Exercising when that means getting up before dawn
2. Choosing healthy food when I'm tired or emotional or feel overwhelmed
3. Pushing myself to go a bit farther, pick up a bit more weight, do one more rep, when I haven't seen results in a long time and are doubting that any will ever happen no matter what I do
4. Planning ahead for good food, time to exercise, etc., when my personality tends to prefer spontaneity.

Motivation is such a slippery little thing.  It is very motivating when you are seeing results, feeling great, energy is coursing through your veins.

But when you are exhausted, recovering from an injury or illness, overwhelmed by your daily tasks, and/or haven't seen anything that has felt like success in too long, what is it that really motivates you?

For me, right now, it is faith.

Walking by faith, not by sight.

Walking this strange, unlit path God has set out for me.

Taking the next step, making the decision in front of me, sometimes making good choices, sometimes not, always relying on mercy.

No Flaming Food!

So, in the interests of taking a more holistic approach to my ADHD and asthma issues, I met with Jo The Fabulous Registered Dietician to discuss nutrition.  Anti-inflammatory food is the plan.

She had fabulous ideas, mostly around the disheartening information that my current main food source  (refined sugar) does not help either condition very much.  Increase omega3, decrease omega-6, I can try eliminating dairy, but that isn't actually necessary.  Got the food lists and talked about ideas for alternatives to candy, mostly which consisted of adding Nature's Candy, ie, fruit.

But since Jo is just about the most positive and encouraging human I have ever met, she added, "You know, you were really, really sick, and that takes a lot out of you.  Yes, you have emptied Target of their Reese's Cups inventory, but don't be so hard on yourself.  Let's focus less on eliminating sugar, and more on adding in more veggies and fruit, and you will naturally wean off the sugar."

She added, "Don't  set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection.  Let's release all the guilt and negativity about any food at all.  It's not worth the mental anguish.  It is just food."

Having very little patience with myself when I am not at full production speed, this reminder is both disheartening and necessary.  I wanted her to say, here, eat this and you will feel so much better.

That isn't how this works.

As I prep for my trip to Spain, one of the things I have had to release to the will of God is the very idea of walking the Camino -my whole purpose for planning this trip! I am exhausted and easily become too tired to simply walk a mile,much less 12-15 for days at a time. In five weeks either I will be capable of the walk or I won't.  I will show up in Spain and figure it out.  I release myself from a performance based vacation.

I promised myself and God to act like I love myself, and I would never bully and push someone I love to do something they just couldn't do at the moment, for whatever reason, physical, mental, emotional. 

Part of this love is to take loving care of myself, eat well, build my strength, and just show up.

Untying Knots

The book, The Weird Sisters, has a line near the end of the book:  ...We had not realized, until that moment, how much Rose gave up for us, and it was up to her to reach down to the ground and untie herself in order to float free to the sky...

I cried when I read that. 

Rose is the sister who made sure everything turned out okay for everyone else, made sure that the other sisters had enough to eat, and proper clothes and handled all the emergencies.

I totally identified with her.  Through the whole book I was willing her to SEE that she had taken on that role and she could walk away.... But she didn't realize it herself until one day, she did something with no reference to anyone else, not sure she could do it... And it set her free.

I understand her insecurity with this idea that her sisters and parents were grown ups and they would manage without her.  What do you DO with yourself when your life is actually your own?

How do you live your life when you decide that YOU matter too -not as the solution to a problem, but because you simply are.  Your purpose is to be.  Your life is yours to live.

You are the only one who can live it.  You are the only one who knows whatever the song is in your heart and you are the only one who can do all the scary things it takes to live in the truth that you matter too.  The song in your heart matters because it is Your Song, unique among all universes.

This untetheredness is not comfortable.  Freedom is freakin scary, actually.  When it occurred to me that I can, quite literally, do anything with my life I want to, move anywhere, take on almost any job, the sheer number of choices brought me to my knees.

I am free.

No excuses for not living the life God has planned for me.

I have managed to undo the knot.

Side FX

I'm no big fan of pills.  Heck, even for basic nutrition, I prefer to get it from food as opposed to supplements.

So, as I lay dying (I felt) for two weeks, and was on a host of different meds to deal with whatever this problem was (infection morphing to God Knows What sort of dizzy/fainting spells) I kept thinking, "I am too young and too healthy to be taking all these pills!"  Beyond depression, I was frankly suicidal.

Once I was coherent enough to string words together, I pulled all my meds together and started doing some research. What I found frankly astonished me.

Not one med was contra-indicated for another.  Okay, Good first step.  Then I started compiling a list of side effects.

THREE of the meds (two I normally take plus one of the extras for my special week!)) indicated dizziness and possible fainting as a side effect.  Okay I sort of expected that.  I knew whatever this thing was, it was outside myself.

The one that astonished me was the Montelukast (Singulair for those who watch TV!)  I have asthma which is greatly exacerbated by living at 7,000 ft.  When I go to coastal cities, I do not need so much as my rescue inhaler.  Here, I take three meds to deal with the breathing, and I'm not convinced the Singulair helps.

As many of you know, I struggle with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.  This past year saw no fewer than four separate episodes of suicidal ideation.  That is a record.  I haven't had even one serious episode for at least a decade or more before this past year.  I went on anti-depressants in February to deal with this, and then had to "up" my ADHD meds again and again to deal with the side effects of the anti-depressants.  I chalked all this up to emotional heavy lifting.

Until I saw that Singulair lists as a side effect depression and suicidal thoughts.

Well, F$%& me.

I started taking Singulair about a year ago.  The depression and spiraling dark thoughts started deepening about a month later.

What if all the torture of this past year wasn't some irreparable place inside me, but a "mere" side effect of a medication?

What if, by stopping one medication, I can stop one other, and greatly reduce the need for a third?

So, I stopped taking the Singulair.  I have been off the meds for the infection for about a week now.  I can't just stop taking the anti-depressant because it can cause a boomerang effect, but fortunately I am meeting with my doctor in a couple days to discuss this with her.  I stopped the ADHD meds (ADHD is really harder on those around me than me, anyway) just to see what will happen.

I shall keep you apprised as events unfold.

Mass Appeal

I was chatting with a friend this past weekend and he mentioned that some friends who moved to town were looking for a church home, especially since they had a close knit church in the city they were moving from.  He put it this way:  "They had a good group of folks to live their lives with."

As I sat at Mass this morning, I pondered that statement.  I think nothing underscores the fact that the current place I live is not my home than that simply put statement.

I love our parish and our priests.  In five years, though, I am no closer to making a group of church friends people I live my life with than I was five years ago.  I have actually one close friend i made through jail ministry, and she is so very dear to me I hate to put things in a harsh light at all.

I have lived in towns smaller than this one, and cities much, much larger.  In most places I have been very involved in parish life, serving as a lector, Eucharistic minister, starting singles groups, serving on the liturgy committee, volunteering for lots of stuff.  Here, no matter how I have tried, there has only been two activities that have led me to greater relationship with those around me - jail ministry and attending Mass.

Jail ministry has introduced me to some great folks, but with one notable exception mentioned above, no one to simply hang out with and live in faith and relationship.  Mass reminds me every single weekend that the purpose of Mass is worship of God and the Eucharist, and not about hanging out with friends.  The painful reminders usually come as the people around me greet each other as old friends, and are very nice to me, but that about the extent of it.  Five years of this, and trying very hard to be involved during that time, has led me to simply talk myself into staying through Mass and reminding myself that I'm here for God.  My relationship with God gets better through attending Mass, I chant to myself.

Although I felt sorry for myself at about 10:30 this morning, I don't feel sorry for myself now.  I really believe that when you are in the right place for you, God puts the people in your life to support whatever your mission is there.

This beautiful area has been a safe, sheltering place to heal and to learn how to love myself and be okay being alone.  God put the people in my life to learn how to be healthy and sufficient in myself.

He never meant for me to live here for ever.  The people and things that cause one to take root in a community are simply not here -not the least of which is a community of faith in which I can fully participate and feel attached to.

At first I wondered what was wrong with me, then what was wrong with my parish... and was led to realize that things are exactly as they should be given how life is unfolding.  If I felt this place was one I would reside permanently, then I would not be making any effort to see if I am really where I am supposed to be.

It isn't simply a gypsy heart that calls me toward the horizon, it is God who knows what is already there for me.