Ringing through the locker room came a voice, "Don't SAY that! You are gorgeous! You totally could!!!"
When we stopped laughing, I said, "Well, perhaps I really mean, I'd RATHER make a living with my brain!"
"That's MUCH better!" my gym friend said. "Don't ever say things like that about yourself!"
My first thought was, wow, she is so sweet! My next thought was, I didn't really MEAN it. My third thought was, Well, maybe I did, a teeny wee bit.
Some mornings I wake up and think, Wow, I'm cute!
Other mornings, I wake up and all I see is excess skin and puffiness and everything that droops. This was one of those mornings. I didn't want to go work out. I was running a half hour late and kept thinking, I will barely be able to break a sweat, there is only, like 45 minutes!
After my workout (which focused on core to help my poor struggling lower back) I felt great. Chipper, even! Bad mood crunched away.
Then, I could NOT RESIST getting on the scale. Bad move. UGH UGH UGH!!! It did NOT support the glowy feeling which immediately fled. So I did have some mean/sad thoughts going into the locker room.
What is funny is that not two days ago my trainer and I had a discussion about giving myself more grace, being more compassionate toward myself... making peace with myself, really. I have conquered quite a bit, and when I only see what is left to accomplish (in my mind) I forget where I started.
Things I Conquered:
1. Drinking liters of sugary soda everyday
2. Living off fast food
3. Alternating no exercise at all with a punishing level of physical activity
4. Shame and guilt from life stuff with which I had no actual fault
5. Eating disorders/ self harm
6. Beating myself up over stupid stuff (mostly :-) )
7. Needing to fix situations over which I have no control
8. Abusing food to numb out from the world
9. Hiding behind excess fat and baggy clothes
10. Feeling like life is simply something that happens and I have no choices
11. Feeling like I am not supposed to be alive
12. My value lies only in my productivity and not being a burden, ever, on anyone
13. Feeling unsafe in most situations
14. Mostly feeling ugly and being scared of being too pretty.
15. An insane amount of irrational fear
because I took all the little steps and prayed and TRIED and sometimes won the big battles and sometimes had to pick myself up and start again, and again, and exercised faith that God loves me enough to help me heal.
Things I have allowed in because there was room once I released all that garbage:
1. Accepting that I am supposed to be here, simply by existing
2. The truth I am loved -by the Trinity and by other people- unearned, a gift
3. Being inspired by others, instead of irritated and jealous
4. Understanding that I count, too -I have a right to meet my own needs, to express my preferences and opinions, to set boundaries with others
5. Confidence that I am safe in most situations -I have good "spidey sense" and can leave uncomfortable places and people, and most people are kind and not judgmental or critical or violent
6. Enough self-love to treat myself with care and take loving care of myself -healthy food, exercise, peace of mind
7. Self acceptance
8. More faith, hope, love, trust
9. Allowing everyone else to be themselves and be on their own journey
10. Owning my own strength -inside and out
11. Knowing I'm beautiful, and being okay with that.
12. Allowing myself to be imperfect, tired, slow, achey, sick, in pain, running late... and knowing it is simply the "now," not the "forever."
13. Knowing I am both blessed and blessing, wanted, cared for and able to carry Light to others.
Incredibly beautiful--just like you!
ReplyDelete