...it is not by the sword or the spear that the Lord saves...1Sam 17:47

I will dance and resist and dance and persist and dance. This heartbeat is louder than death. “ — Suheir Hammad

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Like I Count

The best compliment I ever received was about ten years ago when I was working for this storefront law firm in Evansville, IN. I was helping a mother with the estate of her 20 year old daughter who had been killed in a car accident. The mom had maybe a fifth grade education and cleaned offices at night to make ends meet for herself and her other four children. At our last meeting, after all the papers were signed, she said, "I wanted to thank you!" I replied, "my pleasure, it's my job" or something equally inane, and she stopped me and said, "No. Thank you for being so patient and for answering all my questions and never making me feel stupid and treating me like I count." I was a bit gobsmacked. I stuttered something like, of course, and she smiled and I smiled and we parted. The thing was, I did not treat her any differently than I treat anyone else, but it never occurred to me until that moment that she might not get treated with respect by everyone.

Yesterday, when someone asked me in passing, How are you today? I groused, Tired and cranky! He laughed and said, Your tired and cranky is happier than most people in chipper mode!

A while ago one of my colleagues described me as, She's the one who makes things happen for us!

It occurred to me yesterday afternoon that my mission in life is being a Valkyrie and defending people who need it, helping people when possible, and in general sticking up for what I see as Right and Fair. FAIR is a very important value to me.

It also occurred to me that while I SHINE at doing that for everyone else, I am terrible at doing that for me.

This stops now. I count, too.

A handful of things have happened recently wherein it was brought to my attention that I am a complete doormat in certain situations. My historic way of coping has been to simply internalize it and become self-destructive or just move along. Sometimes that is the right answer. Sometimes the right answer is to stick around and slog through the muck.

It is never the right answer to curl up in a corner and stew.

As I threw darts at a map yesterday to determine my next relocation (I find this soothing) it occurred to me that perhaps the people involved simply do not understand that I am serious. I have couched every request in bubble wrap and as negotiable.

I have a couple tough conversations today, once I take a bit more time to pray over it and get a clearer picture of what God is expecting of me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Down Again, Up Again

I was so terribly excited to be back on track again.  I had gone thoroughly off course in September and October, and finally through most of November was back on track exercising every day, eating healthy, getting out of the house.

Heck, I ran every single day I was in Houston for Thanksgiving and ate very sensibly despite being on vacation and having lots of insensible choices!

Saturday, a germ caught up with me, and I've spent most of the last few days sleeping and watching Downton Abbey episodes on my iPad.  I'm exhausted and worried yesterday that I'm all off track again and this is TOO hard, etc, ad nauseum.  Let's just ignore that I've been living off chicken soup and herbal tea and some sort of syrupy natureopathic remedy that tastes really good but has uncertain results.

I want cookies.  Except the thought of actually eating them sounds awful, as I'm not really into food when I'm sick.

Okay, what I REALLY want is someone to pat my head and tell me, "You are going to be just fine and the world is turning without you and here's some more tea that you don't have to get out of your cozy bed and freeze to death to make." 

Cookies really AREN'T comfort.  What a nice learning and growing moment for me to learn other ways of self care.  Whatever.  I'm curling back up under the comforter and letting Roxy use me as furniture.

Since I worried out loud of being off track YET AGAIN this year, the person I said this to pointed out that I'm not ACTUALLY off-track, I am sick, and that is different, and as long as once I feel better I get back into my normal rhythm of life, it won't count even a little bit as being off-track.

That DOES make me feel better, actually.  I know I ought to feel happy and proud that I've managed to maintain my weight for almost a year, despite that this year has been so challenging in so many ways, but a lot of times, I just feel like I'm never going to get where I really want to be.  Now, I've never actually defined what is in my head for where I want to be, but I do know I'm not there yet.

Yes, I know that is crazy-making.  I've come a very long way from two years ago, and I recognize that.  In a month, I will be 43 years old, and frankly, I'm getting restless.

Maybe it's just time to change things up a bit.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Prayers and Death and Stuff

I'm home sick today and so between sleeping and listening to my neighbors slam doors, I have lots of time to think.

My BFF Tracy got some horrible news today -her cousin, Lisa, died of a heart attack on Friday. Lisa was 43. She was in terrible health, obese, diabetic, stressed out, etc... But still, 43. Dang. Tracy tried to make me promise I would keep taking good care of myself because she would not handle my death well. Since I don't make promises I'm not sure if I can keep, I just said, "fingers crossed I will yet outlive you." She was content with that.

I'm disgruntled because my dear friend Hope is undergoing brain surgery on Thursday, a bit of a last ditch effort because her tumor is growing again and not responding to chemo, and we keep missing each other on the phone. She leaves me a message telling me she loves me and asking for prayers... I leave her a message telling her I love her and that she is always in my prayers... She leaves a message telling me I am her prayer warrior and she is counting on me... I leave a message telling her she is my faith anchor and without her I am adrift... You get the picture.

Hope and her husband Rob have been struggling with Hope's brain cancer for over 7 years now. Even though we've faced her mortality for over 7 years, whenever her death comes, I know I will not handle it well. Hope is my friend who reminds me to have faith. She reminds me to pray and bring my troubles to our loving God. What will happen to me when she isn't reminding me of these things?? I asked her that once and she said someone would likely take up the task, If i asked God for that help! Even as she faces all of this pain and illness, her faith does not waiver. No matter the outcome, she knows she is in the hands of God, and knows peace. It is the rest of us who are struggling.

Very few people get to be my age and not have had death strike near to one's heart. Parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, friends... Between illness, war, aging and accidents, it's a wonder how many still survive! Still, I long for a happy death for everyone I love... After a long life, surrounded by people who love them, secure in the knowledge of a life to come, peacefully accompanied by angels.

For now I shall tuck away my well-developed dark side and continue my prayers for healing for Hope, and peace for Tracy's family, and that God bubble wraps us all in His love, today and always.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Chillin in Texas

A couple months ago as I contemplated my choices for Thanksgiving travel, I tapped my chin and thought, hmmm, who do I really WANT to see that I haven't seen in a while? My aunt Maryle came quickly to mind and it was no hard feat to decide to visit her in Houston.

I lived with her and Uncle Bob for a short time when I was trying to get as far away from Indiana as possible and yet stay in the continental 48 and they were really sweet to me during a difficult time.  The last time I saw my aunt was at my uncle's funeral almost two years ago.

Plus, it was uncomplicated.  We like each other, both enjoy churchy things and the food is always awesome.

My vacation actually felt like a vacation.  I slept, ate, visited with my aunt and various cousins, went to daily Mass and even a bible study one night.  I did a wee bit of running so the pecan pie would not catch up to me.  Saw Anna Karenina.  Other than daily Mass, I never really had to be anywhere at any set time, and for a person whose life is chronically over scheduled, that was a huge huge vacation in itself.  (Plus, my aunt is very good at spoiling me!)

My lungs even got a vacation being at a lower altitude, and my hair was its wild curly self.  Ahhh, humidity, thy name is Houston!

Someone once said hospitality is about making people feel comfortable, and making room for them to be themselves.  It is making space for people, not just physically, but mentally.  My brain, always spinning with the next thing to do, work to accomplish, project to finish, responsibility to take care of and strategy to plan, got to take a bit of a break and could just be, with nothing more important to decide than what sounded good for lunch.

There's a verse in Hebrews about entertaining strangers because you may be entertaining angels unawares.  Well, I'm no stranger, and my aunt is well aware I am no angel.  Sometimes that can be the hardest thing about company, knowing them!

But, whether I was 5 and crawling into bed with her when her family visited us in South Bend, or 25 and needing a soft place to land, or 42 and just missing a wee bit of mothering, all she has ever shown me is love, and this Thanksgiving, she holds my greatest gratitude.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Gemini Sighting

I love the stars.  Even as little kid, when my older brothers tried to teach me about constellations, I would just stare at them in awe and send wishes to any star I saw... it really didn't matter if it was the first star in the sky that night.  The only one I could reliably point out was the North Star, and my oldest brother promised when he grew up and started exploring space, he would move near there so I could always find him.

Different constellations have little rooms inside my heart.  I can find Orion now, no problem, and since Orion is always tickling Castor's foot, I can always find Gemini.  Gemini has a special place in my heart, and two of my tattoos are little dotted Orion and Gemini with Castor and Pollux picked out.  I love the thought of The Hunter playing with the Twins.  I find it comforting.

I love living in a city that values being able to see stars so highly we have all kinds of rules about night lighting -we are an official Dark Sky City.  No matter where you are, the stars are twinkling at you, reminding you to look up and gaze in wonder at something so much bigger than yourself.

It is the one place it is easy for me to connect with God, also something much bigger than myself.  Under the quiet sky, trees rustling, planes and satellites and meteors causing excitement in the foreground of the placid indigo sky, my breathing (usually tight and shallow) eases slow and deep, and all the petty annoyances of my daytime life seem to ebb away.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Death is a Good Joke

In the same week a dear friend had a baby, I found out that a couple I am remotely acquainted with are having twin boys and another dear dear friend's father passed away.  (For the record, in that same week, I got unwelcome news from my asthma doc, closed a big gift for my university, had a few difficult work issues crop up, had a major car repair and learned a lot about football.)  So, I got a big bucketful of LIFE this past week.

I was so stoked to see the new pics of the new baby -she is so tiny and perfect and beautiful.  It was just joy and happiness for her family.

My friend Tracy and I had just been discussing that Ann had been out of contact for longer than usual when we received an email that she had spent the past week in her hometown with her dying father, who passed away on Friday.  Neither of us can go to the funeral, which is in Illinois, and so we are trying to be supportive remotely. 

Grief is normal and works itself out in odd ways, and takes longer than you think.  She asked how long it took me to get over my mom dying and I was honest... you never actually "get over" someone you really love dying.  You just get better at managing the pain and remembering that you are still alive and have things to take care of.  But you will always miss them and have a bit of a hole in your heart.

My sister in law told me that when my mom and brother died, because she had gone through it with her own dad when she was only 21.  And she was right.  It's good advice, so you don't feel weird about missing people who have been gone for 14 years... or one year... or one week.

Elizabeth Bishop said, "The art of losing isn't hard to master..." and I think in a way she is right.  As we move through life, we learn to hold everything lightly -people, places, things, expections, hopes, dreams, goals.  There will be a point, much sooner than you think, when you will have to let go of every single thing you love on this earth, if not before you die, well, certainly at death.

As part of our eternal life, we will be healed and our relationships will be healed and everyone we love restored to us.  It is a soothing thought.  And true that we are eternal beings.  I know my mom is actually alive.  My brothers, my grandparents, my cousin, my friends -all actually still alive.

As Hafiz says, Death is a good joke -too bad it isn't true.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Prepping for Jail

I'm part of our parish jail ministry and I'm on for next week.  Since I will be gone until right before I'm supposed to show up, I decide to prep the materials today.

Next week is the Solemnity of Christ the King, when we take a bit of time to celebrate and explore the meaning of Christ being King.

The Gospel reading is from John about the exchange between Pilate and Jesus right before Jesus is executed.  (John18: 33-37) ... Jesus answered, "You say I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."

Whenever I wonder why God chose to come down to earth, suffer everything it means to be human, and then get abandoned by His friends and THEN die an excruciating death by the state, I am reminded: He came to testify to the truth.

And look what it got Him, in purely human terms: abandonment, torture, humiliation, death.

One thing He said, among many, many things, was that the truth would set us free.  If the crucifixion were the end of the story, that's a blatant lie.  Up to that point, all the truth brought Jesus and His followers was a bucket full of pain.  I'm so glad He resurrected and showed us by His rising that the Truth really does triumph over the slavery of evil and lies and despair.

There is a song by Avalon called "Testify to Love" that can become a bit of an earworm, but I do so love the lyrics:  For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love, I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With every breath I take, I will give thanks to God above. For as long as I shall live, I will testify to love.

I think this is why this jail ministry is so important to me.  When things are at their darkest, we all need reminding that we are more than our worst mistakes, that we are loved beyond all reason by a God who created us to embrace truth and love.  If any of us are ever to become the people God created us to be, we need to know that we are LOVED, simply because we exist, by a God who died for us.

I have been reminded of that when I desperately needed it.  The least I can do is pass along the message.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sigh

My brother and sister in law's divorce has been on my mind. It just feels so unreal that people who have been together for 20 years can simply be done with each other.

They certainly aren't the first people I love to go through a divorce... It just seems that it happened so fast. Six months from announcement to finalization. Deciding on who gets what and how parenting will be handled and all the million surgical cuts that are made to separate a family, all accomplished in six months.

I do not know how people recover from this. I know that they do, mostly.

I have only seen a couple of marriages I would want to emulate. Considering that most of the people I know are married, that is a poor statistic. But the marriages I admire are the ones where each spouse's love for the other is so big that love spills out onto everyone around them - their kids, friends, coworkers. Everyone. They speak respectfully to each other and about each other. They are thoughtful and kind to each other. They see themselves as on the same team.

I really do wish I saw more of that sort of behavior among married couples. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high.

Personally, I'm waiting for that kind of relationship to get married in the first place.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Faith and Truth

As I see the clouds parting, I spent some time yesterday discussing Truth with a friend.  When I get all blue, I tend to forget a few basic things, and think I've spent all this time and energy and have gotten nowhere when I could have taken that same period of time and investment of resources and explored all the varieties of chocolate available in the world.

There are times I feel that Nothing Significant Has Changed.

It has been over two years since I wrote my own personal manifesto, and then almost two years since I made the actual commitment to myself to learn how to take loving care of myself.  This past year has been pretty tough.  Life got turned on its head at least 3 times.

The blessing in all that pain was that Truth floated to the surface, and I realized part of my commitment to learning how to love myself was about Seizing the Truth (hence the name of this newer blog.)

There is a sort of grief that comes from embracing Truth -it means that you have to acknowledge that some of the dreams you had simply won't come true, that not every choice is yours to make, that your life will in fact look much, much different than you ever imagined.

What makes Truth at all palatable for me is Faith.  Sometimes (like last night) God will put someone in front of me who will remind me that Faith has an active role to play in my life.  It isn't just for those rock-solid times when no matter how bad things look, you still know in your bones that there is a Plan and a Purpose and you are totally okay with not getting a floodlight into the future.

Faith is also for the times when you are confused and distressed and have no energy left for the fight.  Faith is also for those desert places when God seems very far away and darkness beckons seductively because all you want is to feel anything but sad, even just for a few minutes, even if that feeling can only be pain or anger or simple numbness.  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

You can't really have Faith without Hope, because without Hope, the darkness will take over, because sometimes even the memory of sunshine is erased, or develops a weird dreamlike quality.  Hope reminds you to have Faith.  Faith exposes and helps you survive the Truth, and, as Jesus says, the Truth sets you free.

In exactly one month, I will be celebrating an anniversary of sorts, a milestone personally significant to me.  That alone is a quiet reminder that there has been a sea change.

Thank you, dear Lord, thank you.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I almost said, "Suck it!"

Let me set the scene:

I got up earlyish, worked out in the hotel gym (not a hard-hitting workout as I'm meeting my trainer tonight, but quite respectable) and after downing some fake eggs at the free hotel buffet, I realized I needed real coffee and headed to Panera down the street.

Panera is a wealth of temptation, and I succombed to a truly delicious chocolate croissant.  Quite justifiable, along with a small 20 oz coffee.

As I sat there reading Ann Landers and taking a quiet moment to savor real Costa Rican coffee, I noticed a man a few tables down looking at me.  When I looked at him, he looked away.  This went on for a while and finally I called over, "I'm sorry, do you know me?"  He shook his head, said, "Sorry!" and looked away.

I knew it wasn't over, but decided to stick around and see what this was about.  Besides, free refills on coffee.  I wasn't rushing anywhere.  He was drinking something and reading a paper.  He looked like he lives in a gym.

As he walked by me to leave, I could see him hesitate a moment, and I said to God, okay, please be here with me on this one, and the man turned to me and said, "Do you eat those all the time?  They are really bad for you."

Okay, it's one of THEM.

I said, "Why?  Did you spit on it?"

He cracked a smile and again hesitated and then said, "You are really pretty, you know.  You could be so hot if you lost some weight."

Apparently, God really did stick with me because instead of screeching, "SUCK IT!!" and scratching out his eyeballs and filling his skull with explosives, I smiled and said, "Would you like to sit down?"

I could tell he wanted to say no, but he for some reason, he DID sit down, and I said, "Hi, I"m Amy" and he replied, "Hi, I'm Rob."

I took a deep breath and asked, in my kindest I'm-not-going-to-scratch-your-eyeballs-out-and-fill-your-skull-with-explosives voice, "SO, why did you say that to me?  You don't even know me."

He looked terrorstricken for a moment then said, really slowly, "My mom died of diabetes.  It's just that being healthy is really important and I believe people ought to take care of themselves.  Sometimes I think people don't even try, and it just gets under my skin. I was rude. I shouldn't have said anything." and then he poured out his story, which is too long to relay here.  Apparently, he needed an ear.  And he is a computer programmer who does personal training on the side. He has two sisters who are overweight and a brother who sits around playing video games and smoking weed.

Cutting to the chase: Although that wasn't EXACTLY an apology, I said, "I forgive you.  But just as I could make judgements about you being an arrogant asshole gym rat, you made a judgment about me.  For all you know, I"m about to go to my mom's funeral and was just taking a break from the grief.  Or back from visiting my quadraplegic brother at the veteran's hospital" He looked horrified, so I quickly informed him neither scenerio was true in this case, but it COULD have been.

He was still sitting there, so I said, "The thing is, I spent the last couple years trying to be really healthy.  I lost a lot of weight and I actually AM really healthy.  You might not know that just to look at me drinking coffee and eating chocolate, and that's okay."

Rob said, "That's awesome, stay on track! And eat whatever you want to!"

And I laughed and said, "You don't need to give me permission -I give my own self permission."

He had the good grace to look a bit embarrassed and said, "I think it is great what you've done."

I took a deep breath and said, "The thing is, if you really CARE, you get to know people and encourage them and help them make good decisions.  Two years ago, that opening statement you made would have sent me down a spiral of me thinking I'm not living up to some stranger's idea of what I ought to look like.  It doesn't do any good and just creates more ugliness and fear in the world.  You seem like a basically nice guy.  Why create more sadness?  Isn't there enough already just from what life does to you?"

Then I shared a little bit more, "I've dealt with eating disorders and self-loathing all my life and was pretty unhealthy for a long time.  I have a bunch of brothers who never, ever bugged me about my weight, and did what they could to encourage me anyway.  And they are all kinds of athletic and run marathons and crazy stuff like that.  When I decided to do this for myself, they were on it like white on rice to help me find the right way for me.  BUT, until I decided to love my own self enough to do this for me, nothing they said would flip that switch.  If they had added their critical voices to ones already in my head, it would have been a much harder thing to do.

"Loving someone through whatever they are going through, watching them hurt themselves through their decisions, and still loving them and being there for them is the hardest thing in the world, but that's what love does.  Love means being there whether you approve or not, whether you agree or not, and whether you like it or not.  It doesn't mean allowing their crazy to take over your life, or rescuing anyone it means just loving them so that they know that they are lovable and worth knowing, even when by anyone else's standards, they aren't."

By this point, we both had tears in our eyes.  Two complete strangers who will never see each other again, and having an unforgettable moment.

I'm so glad I didn't just tell him to suck it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My Niece Kat

My niece is awesome.  Now, I know I'm biased because she is also my Godchild, but seriously, I wish I was half as together at her age (18) as she is.

This is isn't even her birthday or feast day or anything.  I'm just overwhelmed at what a talented and beautiful and Christ-centered young woman she has become.

When I was a freshman in college, I was pretty much a hot wet mess.  I had skipped my senior year of high school and went from a fairly sheltered existence right into the exposed air of a large state university.  And promptly fell on my butt. I did not have a single sensible thought in my head for probably 2 years. 

To be fair, my brothers tried to help guide me, but I was utterly resistant.  I suspect it was only prayer that kept me from doing any really permanent damage (other than the head injury, but that's another story entirely!)

Everyone makes mistakes at college, and I'm certain Kat will have (and probably has had!) her fair share.  It is a time of adventure and risk-taking, after all.

Still her love for God shines through her very self, and as long as she continues to keep Christ as her guide, I cannot worry about her.  She is generally quite sensible as well, so no matter the circumstances in which she finds herself, she will be fine.

And if not, well, she has a Valkyrie for an aunt.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Peace Makes It Light

I'm declaring a truce on my battle with asthma.  My emotional response to it has simply worn me out.

I've spent literally YEARS resenting the fact I have asthma.  Every time I feel my chest start to tighten I feel a wave of frustration and sometimes anger.  It's just not fair, I cried to myself as I saw other people running blithely through dirty air, completely unaffected.

Of course, getting all emotional about it just makes it worse.  Panic especially guarantees I'll be sucking on my inhaler and waiting for death.

On Friday I had a doctor appointment that literally left me in tears.  The doctor was super sweet as he explained to me that when the air is bad up here, I just need to exercise inside.  Between the elevation and the air quality, my exercise-induced asthma will flare and my poor benighted lungs are simply being pushed beyond their limits.  (He then pointed out I gained 6 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago, and that extra weight does not help asthma.  He did not know my priorities had to shift a bit the last six months, so he was just doing his duty as my doctor to point that out.)

The main reason to live in Flagstaff is to be outside on the beautiful mountains and in the canyons.  I could feel my lungs tighten as he kindly relayed that forest service control burns and all these darn popular wood-burning stoves are not good for lungs sensitized to pollution.

I had been hoping he would have some sage advice that would lead to a cure and that someday I would not be struggling with this.  He did say that asthma can eventually go away, but stressing my lungs won't help that happen.  Take the meds properly, warm up properly, and be aware of air quality.  He is very pro-exercise so he never said Stop if the air quality is bad, just shift it inside.

After a private meltdown at home and a couple whiny texts to Jesse-the-Trainer, I settled into a fine sulk that I let color my entire weekend. 

This morning I met two friends to work out at the gym. Had a great workout, took a long time to warm up, let the lungs tense up and then ease (which is what is supposed to happen with exercise-induced asthma) and slammed the rest of the workout.  When I left the gym, I felt great, in sharp constrast to the last few times I ran outside.  When I finished those runs, I felt defeated and weak and frustrated and angry.  And painfully out of breath.

I decided this morning that I will look at the asthma as an extra handweight.  It is not a roadblock to my progress or happiness.  Asthma is not even a speed bump.  It is simply present.  It is not Me.  It is just an extra handweight - something I'm aware of and have to take notice of, but not something to stop me.  Being upset about it makes it 100 pounds.  Peace makes it light.

My friend Jayne gave me a pep talk this morning after working out.  She said that even though my weight is stable, my shape is changing, and she sees it every time we are together.  When she got to the gym this morning, I was actually running on the treadmill, and she pointed out how impossible that seemed a year ago.

A year ago, six months ago, just last Friday, asthma was 100 pounds of anger.

I vow to remember, peace makes it light.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Cold Butt, Warm Heart

I am not, on any level, a garage sale person.  I do not go to them.  I do not have them.  I am perfectly content hauling stuff to St. Vincent de Paul or Goodwill when my need for it changes.

Then Superstorm Sandy struck and I decided that what I needed to do to help was: Have A Garage Sale and donate the proceeds to disaster relief.

I consulted the experts, my friends Angele and Toni, who gave me sage advice on how to have a successful garage sale, mostly related to good advertising and not being married to a particular pricepoint for anything.

As word got around, people were immensely helpful -donating items, stopping by to take a look.  My friend Michelle came by the night before to help set up.  One colleague from work, Renee, offered to let us use her pop-up tent and my friend Annette volunteered to spend the day helping me.  Another friend came by the day before to help with the heavy lifting.

Weather predictions were dire.  Once the date had been set, suddenly, it was supposed to snow.  Being blessed AND lucky, I knew that the outcome was purely in God's hands, not mine.  Still, I knew it my heart it wasn't going to snow.

The day before, rain and sleet poured down.  I stoically painted signs and reassured callers that, snow or shine, the sale was going forward.

The streets were perfectly fine and the skies clear by 5am when I wandered around putting the signs up.  At 7AM, shoppers started popping by.

Thank GOD for Annette, who froze her own behind off along side me helping staff the sale.  The warmest it got while we were out was 25 degrees F.  We started to trade time inside just to not freeze to death! Roxy was too cold outside and too alone inside, so she was rather discombobulated most of the day.

It never ceases to amaze me what sells at a garage sale.  Stuff I would have thrown out went fast, while a really lovely old dresser never moved.

By 1pm, almost $400 was in hand.  We took down the signs and headed to Wildflower Bread Co for soup and anything hot to drink.  I really don't think I actually got warm until almost evening.

Still, it was sweet that so many of my coworkers stopped by, giving a few dollars extra each time to help out the folks impacted by the storm.  I met quite a few of my neighbors and fielded calls from people asking about the snowblower and bicycle. 

This really reminded me how awesome so many of the people in this town are and how blessed I am by my friends.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Why?

This morning as my ADHD brain wandered about freely before the adderall kicked in, I realized I know the word, "why" in 7 languages.

It amused me greatly when I realized I can ask WHY??? in so many different ways, and NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ANSWER!

por qué warum pourqoui почему perché bakit poukisa dlaczego
Spanish, German, French, Russian, Italian, Tagalog, Haitian Creole and Polish

Wait -that's 8 -well, I told you I was ADHD!

I pick up bits and pieces of languages and sometimes some words stick.  I'm not really fluent in any language except English. 

My French accent is atrocious, so even though I know a bit from taking it in high school, I never ever speak it.  It comes in handy reading stuff when I'm in Canada, though.  I lump along in Russian okay, at least enough to make it to the American Embassy if I am ever in trouble. A wee bit of Tagalog that my dear friend Hope taught me when we were roommates. I remember "poukisa" from a Law and Order episode where an interrogator said, "Poukisa my a$$" and I had to look it up and it has been occupying a part of my brain that might otherwise have found the cure for cancer.  German and Polish (swear words and insults mostly) from having the relatives I have.

I digress.  So, I can ask WHY and not understand the answers because I don't actually know the language.

I think it is all metaphorical for when I shake my fist at the Heavens and begin demanding answers from God, mostly relating to WHY???  WHY???

WHY are there kids eating freakin mud in this world when others have so much food they waste it?

WHY do wonderful, good, faithful people develop horrible illnesses like brain cancer and evil people seem to be healthy and prosperous?

WHY did God make it so we can't see ALL the colors?

and many more WHYs than answers I understand.

Sometimes, I think God and I speak completely different languages.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Not About the Election

I am blessed and lucky.

This past week, I collected three prizes.  One was getting my story published, one was a Radio Flyer wagon I bought a raffle ticket for at the county fair and the third was a real true genuine iPad3 a vendor was raffling at a conference I attended recently.

I am blessed.

Blessed for SO MANY REASONS -my wonderful, supportive, amazing friends, having parents who valued education, having family who is there when push comes to shove,  a comfortable life, a neurotic adorable dog, access to great health care of all kinds, people who believe in me when I forget to believe in myself, a job I love that I am really good at and that makes a big difference in the world and most especially a God and Savior who loves me beyond all reason.

I am lucky.

I have been genuinely surprised when I enter my name in some drawing and didn't win.  I am lucky not just because I tend to win things like raffles and card games, but because in retrospect, so many many things could have turned out so, so differently and mere chance (and intervention of the angels that surround me!) seemed to have played a part.  Small decisions that at the time seemed almost meaningless, that led me down an unexpected path to where I am today -geographically and spiritually and physically.

I met with a gentleman yesterday who came to Mesa, AZ during WWII to train with the Royal Air Force (he was English, needless to say.)  He chose Mesa out of the other 5 training choices because he figured it was near to California and he might see some movie stars!  He ended up building his life here and has become a great philanthropist. He pondered that that simple decision when he was 19 years old made all the difference in how his life played out.

I am blessed and lucky.

Usually, it is the small and simple daily decisions that determine the direction of our lives.  Today, will I work out or sleep in?  Will I let my mood determine how I treat people around me?  Will I touch base with God's loving power or give into the relentless whisper of despair?  Will I think of myself as Blessed and Lucky in a life led by God or at the mercy of faceless Fates?

Just a thought.  This isn't about the election.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Remindering

In my head, I figured by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I would be about 2 sizes smaller than I actually am.  I am the exact same size I was back in February.  Pretty much all of my weight loss happened 2011, and 2012 was spent maintaining ... really, it is a plateau.

I was a bit down about it until I reviewed the year as a whole, From Oct 1, 2011 to Oct 1, 2012 my life was turned upside-down at least three times.  I became clinically depressed in late summer and needed treatment for that.  This was one of those years where it felt like the house of cards just couldn't stay in place.

Despite everything, I did not gain weight, I kept exercising, I tried to keep my eyes on God and not on the muck I was wading through.

How did I do that?  Imperfectly.  Humanly.  Surreally.  By the Grace of God.

For everyone who is struggling to balance major life events and their own well-being and their love for God and His call for their lives, I just wanted to let you know that no one ever accomplishes something worth having without speed bumps and cracks in the veneer or with constant good cheer.

God loves us through it all, and the lessons we learn make us able to love like that, too.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Sugar High

Yesterday was my own personal holiday I call "Half Price Halloween Candy Day."  I did not celebrate it in my usual way, but for once kept a white-knuckle grip on my office chair and did not set foot in any store that sells candy.  I consider that a win!  I am patently ignoring the amount I actually consumed due to generous co-workers and their scandalously full bowls of sweets!

I am having a heck of a time getting back into normal eating.  I spent most of September living off of cookies, and much of October experimenting the limits my circulatory system has for refined sugar.

So, last night I was chatting with my Roxanne in bewilderment that all the usual tactics for getting back on track are simply not working.

So, we'd already covered that the more sugar one eats, the more one WANTS to eat.  It can be an addictive substance.  We'd covered that if I eat regular healthy food first, that cuts down on the ability to eat candy.

So, where is the downfall?

We narrowed it down to evenings.  Evenings are when I am least likely to eat healthy and most likely to binge on sugar. 

So, we went over my usual evening, from walking in the door, setting my stuff down, letting Roxy out, starting laundry, staring in the fridge, opening mail, remembering I started laundry and going back in and moving it along and then remembering I need to get my leftovers from lunch into the fridge and then noticing I only opened half the mail and then thinking, oh, wait, I need to eat, and then playing with Roxy and feeding her (because she is insistent I do so immediately) and then noticing I never hit the "run" switch on the washer and then noticing that all my workout clothes need to be washed, too and finally as I walk from room to room from half finished task to starting a new one, I give up the idea of a healthy meal and start in on whatever I don't have to think about.

When my ADHD meds wear off, somewhere around 6pm, usually, figuring out dinner just gets thrown into the mix.

It was like a light bulb went off over both our heads at the same time.  This really wasn't about emotional eating, it is about a disrupted structure that needs to be reestablished.

As a person with off-the-chart ADHD, I know I need structure in order to get anything accomplished.  Apparently, that "anything" includes eating properly.  With the disruptions of the last two months, the established structure had to be changed, and nothing ever replaced it.

So, we went over some ideas and I feel confident I will be back on track soon!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

SO MANY IDEAS

I haven't published a blog post in a few days and I am BRIMMING with ideas:

How US Airways SOMEHOW managed to destroy my suitcase on a simple Portland-to-Flagstaff trip.  My suitcase has been all around the world, like, twice (without me, of course!) and survived.

How today is All Saints Day, not just my personal holiday of Half Price Halloween Candy.

The various travel stories I collected this week, like discovering the Bettie Page Clothing store in Salt Lake City!

The fact I had a short story published and am excited all out of proportion to the event!

The Doll 

OR that tonight is the last night of my running "class" and I am relieved and grateful and also will miss it.

All the various life changes the past couple months.

But, my heart is in Haiti right now.  That is country that just can't seem to catch a freakin break!  Natural disaster after natural disaster relentlessly pummels an already starving country (THE poorest country in the Western Hemisphere!)

So, I am now moved to action.

My first and most simple thing, is that I put a hot link to donate to World Vision Haiti disaster relief on this blog.  If you are so moved, please donate.

I am holding a garage sale on Nov 10th, proceeds to go to Haiti disaster relief.  I've already had some local people pledge items and assistance, which is a relief, because I haven't had a garage sale in like, 10 years and I kinda suck at this.

My third thing is the mostmost difficult but I think will be most internally-transforming at the same time.  I love dessert.  I really could eat dessert all the livelong day and wash it down with wine.  Almost every time I go out to eat, I save room for dessert.  So, my personal pledge for the next year is that every time I go out to eat and would normally buy dessert, I will eschew dessert and donate $5 to Haiti-related causes.  People in Haiti are eating mud.  I can give up cheesecake for one year.

You may hold me to this.