Like I Count

The best compliment I ever received was about ten years ago when I was working for this storefront law firm in Evansville, IN. I was helping a mother with the estate of her 20 year old daughter who had been killed in a car accident. The mom had maybe a fifth grade education and cleaned offices at night to make ends meet for herself and her other four children. At our last meeting, after all the papers were signed, she said, "I wanted to thank you!" I replied, "my pleasure, it's my job" or something equally inane, and she stopped me and said, "No. Thank you for being so patient and for answering all my questions and never making me feel stupid and treating me like I count." I was a bit gobsmacked. I stuttered something like, of course, and she smiled and I smiled and we parted. The thing was, I did not treat her any differently than I treat anyone else, but it never occurred to me until that moment that she might not get treated with respect by everyone.

Yesterday, when someone asked me in passing, How are you today? I groused, Tired and cranky! He laughed and said, Your tired and cranky is happier than most people in chipper mode!

A while ago one of my colleagues described me as, She's the one who makes things happen for us!

It occurred to me yesterday afternoon that my mission in life is being a Valkyrie and defending people who need it, helping people when possible, and in general sticking up for what I see as Right and Fair. FAIR is a very important value to me.

It also occurred to me that while I SHINE at doing that for everyone else, I am terrible at doing that for me.

This stops now. I count, too.

A handful of things have happened recently wherein it was brought to my attention that I am a complete doormat in certain situations. My historic way of coping has been to simply internalize it and become self-destructive or just move along. Sometimes that is the right answer. Sometimes the right answer is to stick around and slog through the muck.

It is never the right answer to curl up in a corner and stew.

As I threw darts at a map yesterday to determine my next relocation (I find this soothing) it occurred to me that perhaps the people involved simply do not understand that I am serious. I have couched every request in bubble wrap and as negotiable.

I have a couple tough conversations today, once I take a bit more time to pray over it and get a clearer picture of what God is expecting of me.