Sucking Eggs

So, last week sucked eggs.

Let us just put it out there.

Sometimes, life sucks eggs.

I haven't blogged in a while just because everything I wrote was an extended whine.

"Suck it up, Princess, everyone's got problems."

I am by nature a risk taker.  I am brave.  I am also impulsive which can be a bit of a reckless combination.

Last night, the sensible part of my brain tried everything to talk me into staying.  It reminded me I love my job, have great friends here, and am leaving for an amazing trip to Spain in, like, four days.  It reminded me that just "up and leaving" any given situation never really RESOLVED anything, just left a lot of loose ends blowing in the breeze.

The rest of me didn't care.  The rest of me pulled out a suitcase and started stuffing it with clothes and some pictures.  Roxy's overnight bag was stuffed with her toys, meds and food.

THIS CLOSE to throwing it all in the car, leaving a note for my landlord to sell everything and keep the proceeds for next month's rent in lieu of 30 days notice and just drive.  Text my boss from God knows-where to let him know I was never, ever returning.

That may seem a bit extreme.  Having done it before, I promise you, it actually feels pretty damn freeing.

Last night was one of those nights where my overwhelming emotion was feeling trapped, stuck, going nowhere I want to be, fast.  I know why.  This last week sucked eggs and was topped by finding out that a job I dared to REALLY REALLY want and would have been AWESOME at was given to someone else due, basically, to politics.

The sensible part of my brain wasn't cutting through the adrenaline.

So, God saw His favorite daughter was about to make a poorly-thought-out decision with significant ramifications, so decided to directly intervene.

"Well, Beloved, let's start from the beginning.  I don't mind repeating Myself.  I love you. You are here for a purpose.  I'm not going to tell you what it is.  You are getting to learn about trust."
"You and I will have 10 or so days together, just the two of us, really, plodding along the back roads of Spain.  I love you.  You will remember how to listen."
"You made promises to Me I expect you to keep.  This isn't for My sake.  You've had a lifetime of drifting around like dandelion fluff.  Here's something new for you -sticking around and seeing something all the way through.  I love you.  Right now, you are going to learn how to stay."
"So, keep that bag packed because you are going to need most of it for Madrid. And stop sulking.  You probably won't ever actually understand why this is necessary.  And that doesn't matter.  I love you.  Learn to live in the mystery."

"I hate this.  This all sucks eggs.  I've never in my life been so You-damned alone!"

"I know."

"That's it??  That's all you got for me??"

Apparently, yes.  The irony of my ingratitude about it has not escaped me.

Maybe when I remember how to listen, He'll tell me more once I'm on the Way.  Or not.  He is a bit unpredictable.

Fresh Ink

Even though it is only Tuesday, this has been the longest week in the whole history of long weeks.  Most of this is work related.

Still, I had some bright spots.  I spent a lot of time walking around campus and taking deep breaths.  My asthma has gotten aggravated the past couple days, but it seems to calm down when I just go take a walk.

Then last night I went and got myself a new tattoo.  Unlike every other tattoo I have, I got this one purely because it was pretty.  There is no layered meaning.  This was the basis for it.

Sometimes, you don't have to be all deep about stuff.

Sometimes, really, all you have to do is look, taste, smell, feel.  Thinking can be overrated.

I have a dear friend, Melinda, who is walking the Camino when I am, and we will be meeting in Santiago and hanging out at the Masses and being church ladies together.  Melinda is an amazing woman.  She reminded me that the Camino is not about pace, but about being with God, no distractions.  She also reminded me not to walk at night because it isn't safe for travelers to do that in places they don't know.  Plus, you can miss the path markings.  She also said what part of church to meet her in when I arrive, because she will be there.

Did I mention she is in her late 60s and just finished chemo for breast cancer about a month ago?  She is not a die hard athlete.  She is simply a woman of faith taking a walk.

I guess we both are.

Foodie Fasting for Syria

Today is an international day of prayer and fasting for Syria and the  Middle East.  If you can read this blog, and thus do not live completely off-grid, you've known this was coming for days.

I am doing this along with millions of other people grieving for Syria and the atrocities in the Middle East.

I am also thus confronted by my quite comfortable Western-style life.

What my fast today looks like is a green shake for breakfast, same for lunch, and a normal vegetarian dinner.  Everyone's fast looks a little different.  Some opt for one normal meal and two snacks.  Some give up coffee.  Some eat nothing at all for the entire day.  The point is to rid ourselves of the extras, make us uncomfortable, take on a wee bit of "suffering" for the sake of being united with our hurting and broken family.  Yup. Even people across the world are part of our responsibility.

As many hymns sing out, the journey makes us one.

What I did not realize is that my Saturdays actually are rather wrapped around food.  Saturday is when I assess my fridge, write down what I need, head to the grocery store, obtaining not only what a need, but a great many "wants."  Since I have more time on the weekends, this is when I actually take time to cook real meals and be a bit fancy.  I go out to breakfast and/or lunch and/or dinner with friends.

As I left the gym this morning, it occurred to me that simply by taking on a fast today, my entire day looks different.

I will wait until tomorrow to go grocery shopping.

I will not go out to eat, or prep anything fancy.

I won't pop by my favorite bakery to get anything sweet to go with my coffee.

So, I have extra time on my hands as well.  What shall I do?

That's the other side of this equation.  Prayer.

Fasting for its own sake is called dieting.  Fasting as an offering is prayer, but being mindful of this call is essential.  Later in the day it gets harder.  Later in the day it will be easier to call on God for help.

Isn't that ALWAYS when we most often find ourselves calling on God?

And so sometimes I think the great game with fasting is not simply that we are uniting ourselves with our suffering family, but are ourselves drawn to the Almighty, from whom we have distanced ourselves through too much ease and comfort.

Tomorrow, I will lay this sacrifice down because I have that choice.

My hope is that my heart and intention stay properly aligned.

Getting My Own Attention

The other day I binged on candy.  This isn't true confessions time, it just reminded me of a few things.

Bingeing is your body's way of shouting, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"  I reviewed the episode with kind curiosity (as I have given up self-condemnation for now.) I pondered... Why did I do this?

Having candy around doesn't equate setting myself up for a binge.  If I'm in a good space, I can even have peanut butter cupcakes sitting on my desk and consume them appropriately.  So my initial thought of, "If it wasn't available, I wouldn't eat it" doesn't actually answer the question.

The issue isn't the food itself, it is the thoughtlessness and rapid consumption.  That isn't about enjoying a treat.  That's about getting to a certain state of being.

Yesterday a friend and I had a chat.  As we were talking,  I was finally able to articulate that while I love and embrace CHANGE, I do not like uncertainty.  So, if I was told, "Tomorrow you are moving into a windowless office with a spider problem" I would complain and moan and then adjust and be happy I am closer to the coffee.  If I was told, "okay, we are thinking of moving you to a windowless office with a spider problem, but we aren't sure and the decision is actually out of our hands..." I would chew myself up with anxiety.

And there has been a lot of uncertainty lately.  There are pressures from work, trying to be ready to leave the country for a couple weeks, friends dealing with varying degrees of stuff and the regular life issues: bills, good food choices, delicate discussions, decisions decisions decisions.

So, I came home and instead of addressing my need for comfort and peace and companionship... I settled for candy.  The numbness and slightly ill feeling settled in... And of course I felt worse... None of the stuff weighing on my mind was dismissed and now I was dealing with a tummy ache, too.

So now, I am reminded that despite my best efforts, I have not yet received my Wonder Woman tiara and cape, and even super heroes need downtime.

So my intention for the foreseeable future... for right now, just for today... is to take that moment between an acts and my reaction, sit in that moment, take some deep breaths and give my body the attention it deserves, taking loving care of whatever it actually needs instead of settling for food.

200th Anniversary!

This is my 200th post in this blog!  When I checked the stats (which, honestly, I rarely do!) I have had over 10,000 views!

DUDE!

Thanks for all the kind support and feedback and lovely comments and walking with me on this crazy journey!