Getting My Own Attention

The other day I binged on candy.  This isn't true confessions time, it just reminded me of a few things.

Bingeing is your body's way of shouting, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"  I reviewed the episode with kind curiosity (as I have given up self-condemnation for now.) I pondered... Why did I do this?

Having candy around doesn't equate setting myself up for a binge.  If I'm in a good space, I can even have peanut butter cupcakes sitting on my desk and consume them appropriately.  So my initial thought of, "If it wasn't available, I wouldn't eat it" doesn't actually answer the question.

The issue isn't the food itself, it is the thoughtlessness and rapid consumption.  That isn't about enjoying a treat.  That's about getting to a certain state of being.

Yesterday a friend and I had a chat.  As we were talking,  I was finally able to articulate that while I love and embrace CHANGE, I do not like uncertainty.  So, if I was told, "Tomorrow you are moving into a windowless office with a spider problem" I would complain and moan and then adjust and be happy I am closer to the coffee.  If I was told, "okay, we are thinking of moving you to a windowless office with a spider problem, but we aren't sure and the decision is actually out of our hands..." I would chew myself up with anxiety.

And there has been a lot of uncertainty lately.  There are pressures from work, trying to be ready to leave the country for a couple weeks, friends dealing with varying degrees of stuff and the regular life issues: bills, good food choices, delicate discussions, decisions decisions decisions.

So, I came home and instead of addressing my need for comfort and peace and companionship... I settled for candy.  The numbness and slightly ill feeling settled in... And of course I felt worse... None of the stuff weighing on my mind was dismissed and now I was dealing with a tummy ache, too.

So now, I am reminded that despite my best efforts, I have not yet received my Wonder Woman tiara and cape, and even super heroes need downtime.

So my intention for the foreseeable future... for right now, just for today... is to take that moment between an acts and my reaction, sit in that moment, take some deep breaths and give my body the attention it deserves, taking loving care of whatever it actually needs instead of settling for food.