Sucking Eggs

So, last week sucked eggs.

Let us just put it out there.

Sometimes, life sucks eggs.

I haven't blogged in a while just because everything I wrote was an extended whine.

"Suck it up, Princess, everyone's got problems."

I am by nature a risk taker.  I am brave.  I am also impulsive which can be a bit of a reckless combination.

Last night, the sensible part of my brain tried everything to talk me into staying.  It reminded me I love my job, have great friends here, and am leaving for an amazing trip to Spain in, like, four days.  It reminded me that just "up and leaving" any given situation never really RESOLVED anything, just left a lot of loose ends blowing in the breeze.

The rest of me didn't care.  The rest of me pulled out a suitcase and started stuffing it with clothes and some pictures.  Roxy's overnight bag was stuffed with her toys, meds and food.

THIS CLOSE to throwing it all in the car, leaving a note for my landlord to sell everything and keep the proceeds for next month's rent in lieu of 30 days notice and just drive.  Text my boss from God knows-where to let him know I was never, ever returning.

That may seem a bit extreme.  Having done it before, I promise you, it actually feels pretty damn freeing.

Last night was one of those nights where my overwhelming emotion was feeling trapped, stuck, going nowhere I want to be, fast.  I know why.  This last week sucked eggs and was topped by finding out that a job I dared to REALLY REALLY want and would have been AWESOME at was given to someone else due, basically, to politics.

The sensible part of my brain wasn't cutting through the adrenaline.

So, God saw His favorite daughter was about to make a poorly-thought-out decision with significant ramifications, so decided to directly intervene.

"Well, Beloved, let's start from the beginning.  I don't mind repeating Myself.  I love you. You are here for a purpose.  I'm not going to tell you what it is.  You are getting to learn about trust."
"You and I will have 10 or so days together, just the two of us, really, plodding along the back roads of Spain.  I love you.  You will remember how to listen."
"You made promises to Me I expect you to keep.  This isn't for My sake.  You've had a lifetime of drifting around like dandelion fluff.  Here's something new for you -sticking around and seeing something all the way through.  I love you.  Right now, you are going to learn how to stay."
"So, keep that bag packed because you are going to need most of it for Madrid. And stop sulking.  You probably won't ever actually understand why this is necessary.  And that doesn't matter.  I love you.  Learn to live in the mystery."

"I hate this.  This all sucks eggs.  I've never in my life been so You-damned alone!"

"I know."

"That's it??  That's all you got for me??"

Apparently, yes.  The irony of my ingratitude about it has not escaped me.

Maybe when I remember how to listen, He'll tell me more once I'm on the Way.  Or not.  He is a bit unpredictable.