"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."
Normally, I dislike platitudes such as the above that try to over-simplify the messy process of being human. I mean, I THOUGHT I could walk a half mile to a meeting I didn't want to drive to two days after spending the night in the emergency room. Turned out, I was quite mistaken. While walking back to my office, I had to stop twice to rest or risk passing out. TWICE. In a HALF MILE! PASSING OUT!!
Still, I have to admit that this platitude hits a wee bit closer to home than I would like right now.
I have been looking forward to walking the Camino de Santiago since January when I bought my plane ticket to Madrid. When I got sick last month, what with the recovery stymieing my Wolverinelike healing capabilities, doubt and anxiety crept in.
Being sensible, I'm putting together a Plan B for the remote possibility I won't have the stamina to walk for six or so hours a day.
Plan B began to seem more and more like a certainty that simply fed into the fear that despite all my best efforts, my physical abilities will be too limited to make my dream a possibility. Just thinking about it made me tear up... and mentally give up.
Exhaustion does that to me.
I got a TOTAL shot in the arm last Friday however, when a friend came up from the Valley for a presentation on the Camino. We had a nice crowd, some of whom had already walked it. Listening to everyone's stories got me re-inspired.
After the talk, I was chatting with one of the peregrinas, and shared my fear of not being able to complete the walk, even though I am starting close to the end (more due to time I have to take off work than anything else.) I have felt a bit, shall we say, WEAK, for starting "only" about 120 km from the end.
When I hesitantly shared my plan with this woman who has walked 300 miles or so, several times, on the Camino, I waited for the usual response, "OH! Is there any way you can make it longer?"
Instead, she said, "That is a LOVELY place to start! It is so beautiful! and you will be going at the best time of year -not too hot, not too cold, and not too crowded!"
When I shared my fear about my ability to walk so far, given my slow return to what is normal for me, she just smiled almost affectionately and said, "This is NEVER about how many miles you can do in a day. Stay away from people who make this about being tough and fast and all that. Go slow, take your time to notice the things around you and rest when you need to and stop when you need to -or just want to! It's about YOUR Camino, not any one else's. It isn't about physical strength. It is just putting one foot in front of the other on whatever path you alone are walking."
As her kindness sunk into my brain, I realized that somewhere along the line, I had turned this intended spiritual journey into a performance-based activity.
I know. Go figure. Makes me shake my head and chuckle at myself. I mean, this is just something I DO, completely unintentionally yet oh-so-consistently.
I am setting my intention toward my Camino to simply show up, begin the walk, and remind myself until it really sinks in and takes hold, that it isn't about speed or distance, but the simple experience.
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