My original post was going to be all about rejoicing at finally feeling normal again. Then I changed my mind.
So, I decided to tell a bit of my "before" story because it seems like a lot of people think that weight loss is an easy formula: exercise more than you eat, and voila! Health and happiness abounds.
EVERYTHING affects weight loss. My thyroid was all wonky and I tell you, it was pure heartache to eat perfectly, exercise regularly, take my vitamins... and not see the scale budge one pound. The response from my first doctor was: You are probably eating more than you think you are.
Except I wasn't. I wrote it all down, every bite and how much and calories. I am the first person in line to beat myself up for not being perfect. If I so much had had a slice of pizza those months, I would have completely blamed my lack of self-discipline. I tend to be brutally honest about my failings -the emphasis on brutal.
It took getting to a doctor who knew which tests to do for thyroid problems to fix that. Suddenly, a little pink pill allowed my body to perform its natural balanced function. I realized my problem was not, and had never been self-discipline. My doctor herself was a source of encouragement.
So, why was I still abusing food sometimes? Eating too much, too little, always wrapping it in guilt. Somehow I had bought into the really stupid and evil notion that if I just didn't need to eat anything at all, then everything would be okay. In came a wonderful therapist who helped me shed all that crazy-making false identity that kept me not only from merely losing weight, but knowing who I am.
In the middle of this, an amazing registered dietitian who specializes in helping people with eating disorders came into my life and helped me look at food itself in a completely different way. Food isn't love, but it also isn't merely fuel. If it was, it would not be a worldwide phenomenon that you share meals with people you love and celebrate with special food. i still check in with her occasionally sometimes to keep a box around my natural tendency to be scrupulous and perfectionistic, and she reminds me I eat better than 90% of the people she sees, and that no matter how far I think I have to go, I am on the right road.
Almost three years ago I bowed to good advice to invest in myself and a healthy future and started working out with a trainer. It was a gamble as I had tried out several different trainers before I met him and he was exactly the opposite of what I thought I needed. And I had NO IDEA how much I needed someone like him in my life. Despite my ups and downs and moving forwards and stepping backwards and getting sick or hurt and then frustrated with recovery and dealing with all the emotional and mental heavy lifting I had taken on... he is a cheerleader and encourager and a rock and a positive influence and an occasional reality check and reminds me to be kind to myself and look to Jesus.
None of my success in getting healthy happened in a vacuum. Without the support of dear people (even my amazing massage therapist who gave me roses for my first track practice in a running class!) who believed in me before I could believe in myself and trust in a loving God who is pro-my-life, too... I would still be pushing that rock up a hill, and punishing myself for not succeeding.
Learning to love yourself enough to take good care of yourself requires community, wherever they happen to be geographically located. I cannot name all the people who have loved me through this because every time I think of the blessing of a particular person, yet another pops to mind.
I've written this topic before, but I really really want to encourage everyone who feels caught in a web of self-shame and uncertainty and compulsive behavior, there is a way out. Not an easy road, but a true one.
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