Testimony

Faith was rather a private matter in my formative years.  This seems to be the case for most Catholics I've come across.  Our Mass is centered around the Eucharist, and tend to be solemn, unlike most non-Catholic services I have attended.  And I have attended quite few.  Worshipping God is fun (for me, anyway!) and it is fun to see how different people do things.  Sometimes I encounter some really wacky theology, but we are all on the journey.

I used to go to daily Mass on my own as a little kid.  The awesome, awesome priests we had at Holy Cross in South Bend were kind and encouraging to me and let me wander through the church fairly freely.  Even when there wasn't a Mass going on, I'd wander in, 6 or 7 years old, sit in a pew and just bask in the quiet reverence that permeates holy places.

I loved the peace of that place.  I felt safe and calm and in complete wonder of this amazing Jesus, who seemed to want to hang out with me, despite that fact I never actually SAW Him.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I dreamed about Him and would sometimes wake up singing a hymn or chanting "Thank you, thank you!" much to the GREAT annoyance of my little brother, with whom I shared a room.  But I knew, simply KNEW, about the heart of the Savior.

I wonder sometimes where that completely trusting faith went.  Life happens and you begin to understand that the faithful sometimes fail, sometimes God seems remote, and sometimes you don't understand anything at all!  Sometimes you have to walk through the desert, a refugee, an exile, until Jesus whispers your name and in following that quiet call, you find your home.  In His heart, not a geographical location. In His people, as messy as that can be.

Talking about big stuff is very difficult for me. (Talking in general is certainly not -I can make social noise with the best of them!)  Writing has always been easier.  It's a bit of a buffer between my action and the reaction of others.

A failing I can recognize in myself and well as many other Catholics, is that in the desire for Truth and Rightness, we can skewer those whose theology is different than our own, and skewer each other in the quest To Be Right.  This shuts down any conversation and hope for the true intimacy found among the followers of Christ.  So, we simply stop talking about it too much, except with people we have carefully evaluated to be safe.

We are called first to love, then to be courageous and daring and spread the VERY Good News of the love, forgiveness and salvation of God.  Our lives are called to be an example of God's grace.  They shout it when we are loving as Christ loved.

As St. Francis, that most gentle of saints, once said, "Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words!"

Last night I was in a conversation that was both delightful and sobering.  Being honest and vulnerable often has that effect.

My trainer and I had decided to actually blow off a training session (the first time EVER in the 2-1/2 years we've been training!) and grab a beer. (I found a beer that I like, BTW.  I wish I could remember the name. Started with a "w.")

He said, when I mentioned how I appreciated that he was a safe place to let the ugliness of life show, "It's all because of Jesus. I could not do that on my own. That's not me or who I was."

And I thought about that and how that is likely true.  I won't share his story, because that is his to tell.  But it was brave of him to admit it in words.  His life shouts it.

Because of Jesus.  Given the circumstances of my childhood and how I was living my life when I moved apart from Jesus, if he had not had His hand on my life from the very, very beginning, everything would look much different now, if I was even still alive.

I, too, owe everything good, transformative, beautiful and new in my life to His Grace.  I can say that out loud.  That quiet trust in Him is still there when I shut out the noise of the world, and simply listen.

He still leads me through all the scary places and confusion to His heart and allows me to shine forth from there.