Little Bits of God

So, having a lot of time to think can either be a good or a bad thing for me.  Last week, it was bad.  I spent most of the week praying for death and feeling deeply isolated, in pain, angry and frustrated about YET ANOTHER setback.  I bemoaned getting delayed in preparation for my walk on the Camino in Spain.  I worried about work projects with looming deadlines. I fretted about backsliding from not being able to exercise.  Just this morning, as I sat in the doctor's office waiting for test results and more antibiotics, my heart was crying about the injustice of it all.

This week, God decided it was time to cut through the fog.

God Moment #1: in discussing the Camino with someone over the weekend, he asked me how I was preparing.  I launched into the whole walking a lot, gathering necessities, etc, and he interrupted me. "This is a spiritual thing for you, right?  How are you preparing spiritually?"

First time in 8 months anyone has asked me that.  My answer was a sheepish, Not Much.

God Moment #2:  I went to confession on Saturday morning and the very odd penance I received was to pray Psalm 8 for a week, and every time it said "man" or "he" to say  "Amy" or "she."

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is Amy that you are mindful of her, the daughter of man that you care for her?  You have made her a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned her with glory and honor.

God moment #3:  this afternoon I was laying in bed after dear Lori left, and thinking, I wonder if I ought to be praying?  I was sad and tired and felt really foggy.  I saw an incoming call (my ringer was off) and I did not recognize the number.  When I answered it was a guy from a Christian radio station I support, calling to thank me for my support, and asking if there was anything I would like them to pray for. I have never in my life gotten a call from anyone like that. (It was Steve Wright from Family Life Radio, if you are curious.)

Okay, God. I hear you.  It took a deep depression, my back going out a few times, a potentially fatal illness and finally an actual phone call, but I hear you now.

This was never about my tasks at work, the physical effort of the Camino, where I live or how much I work out.  This was always about my relationship with Him that I have been sorely neglecting.

I think He missed me, to go to such lengths to get my attention.

So after the nice man prayed with me over the phone, I got out of bed, walked over to my also neglected art supplies and got started.

My easiest way to pray has always been through art.

For three hours, it was me, God, Psalm 8, some colored pencils and a big sheet of paper.

I forgot how much I missed Him, too.  I did not realize how I had allowed the noise of this crazy life to drown out His voice in my heart.  I did not realize that the person I used to turn to in every moment was shoved away and out, leaving me unstable, shaking, falling.  I did not realize that I had walked away from the heart that was always my home.

I never rejected Him.  I simply let other things, good things, take priority.  My time was full.

I do not think for one moment that it is a coincidence that this lightening bolt struck on the feast day of St. Martha.  You may recall that in her determination to do good deeds, she overlooked that she was in the presence of God who was speaking to her sister, and her, if she would stop to listen.

Without being filled and revived by His love, mercy, peace and wise counsel, good deeds will drain you, life will overtake you, and exhaustion will eventually break you.

Well, it did me, anyway.

Sometimes I drift away from the path and drift back.  Sometimes God says, "Enough!" and yanks me back by my ear.

Oh, Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name through all the earth!