On the way home from the gym this morning, I heard this:
(Cue music)*
God of Mercy, sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to your design
(my brain: BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING CHOICE)
May this offering stretch across the sky (HERE IT IS!! THIS GIANT PILE OF COMPLETE
CRAP!)
and these Hallelujahs be multiplied (MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME????)
And right there, I pulled over to the side of the road, put
my head in my hands and sobbed, the WHY? detonating to the deaf heavens. Empty fingers covering my eyes, forehead on the steering wheel, the inescapable reality of desperation.
and then:
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
and there it was... someone who actually understood that everyone has a breaking point, that everyone gets their faith shaken, that everyone reaches a point where only blind hope keeps them moving forward no matter how empty their hands or their hearts.
I started the car, and drove back into the rest of the day.
* Need To Breathe, Multiplied, and Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah
When the bottom fell out and I lost my teaching job, an angel told me to "Thank God!" Seriously?! Yes, seriously. The angelic order was to not think on "What am I going to do?" but to spend a whole week thanking God for the blessings this was, brought and would be in my life. This prayer warrior angel is knowledgeable and trustworthy in matters like this. So I trusted him. I thanked God, and I did it for three weeks (it ended the school year then.) Made all the difference in the world! It was tough, and it was stressful, but ultimately it was the best medicine for my pain. And God did bless me-- a hundred fold! He took my old thing and made Something New.
ReplyDeleteThe raw pain you feel now, expressed through the fog of your faith is visceral. So is the beauty of it. I think this is what it means to crucify ourselves with Christ, or to lay at the foot of our bloody Cross with the Queen of Sorrows. You are in my prayers.