Back in the Gym, Some Tears, Some Smiles

So, this morning I went to the killer yoga cardio crazy class.  This is the first time I've stepped foot in my gym on my own in about two weeks.  I kept my appointments with my trainer (a couple times only barely) but offset those with lots of mac 'n' cheese.

Still, I was ready to return.

When I got to class one of my gym friends said she'd missed me and asked where I'd been.  I shrugged and said I'd been sick, so had been taking it easy.  She said, "Oh, I'm sorry, was it that crud that was going around?"

And I decided to be honest, "No, it wasn't that kind of ill.  Depression kind of took over and I just couldn't make it."

I fully expected an awkward silence followed by an equally awkward, "Well, good to see you!" as she rushed away.

What I got was a tilt of her head, a nod and then she said, "I get that.  Did you miss work, too?"

Oh. I didn't scare her off. Okay.

We chatted for a few more minutes before class started and I could feel the tears welling up in me, and how freeing it was to just say, "yeah, my big accomplishment was leaving the house this last weekend, and it was SO HARD but I did it anyway," and have someone understand, and not shy away from it or be afraid of the tears or try to fix it or give advice -to just be with me in the simple acknowledgement of a difficult fact of my life.  She smiled encouragingly and said she was glad that I am back.

The class started and the tears mixed up with the sweat and eventually dried up and I got a great workout in.

I am grateful my life is getting back on track.  I was especially grateful this morning for those few quiet words and the encouraging smile.

Oh, Yeah, Now I Get It!

So, now that I am slowwwwly moving out from under the big dark cloud and my thoughts have regained the ability to embrace positivity, I can look back over the last few weeks and realize, Oh! I get it now!

It did kind of astonish me how in mid March I was ready to take on the world, and by mid-April was ready to quit it entirely.  Occasionally, people would remind me that life was not completely terrible and pointless, and that usually I was doing just fine.  It helped for a bit, but it was hard to see.

Depression gives you tunnel vision.  It makes you forget about sunlight and good cheer and general happiness.  It saps your energy. You start thinking that the cave is all there is to life.  You start to resent people who seem, you know, happy.  You forget that you matter.  You forget that anything matters.

So looking back, I can see exactly when the spiral started, can see the perfect storm of events almost designed to poke every one of my personal demons and get them all lined up with their pitchforks, can see that my efforts to simply avoid and wait out the hurricane of emotion -fear, sadness, anger- would never get me through that storm.

I probably over share about the depression stuff on this blog, but so many people struggle with this, and it really can be debilitating.  When I am fully me, I am energetic, enthusiastic, attentive, happy, rational, optimistic, and stable.  When the dark cloud takes over, I lose all of that, and life becomes more about wake up, work, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat.

It isn't as bad as it could be, and it certainly doesn't manifest in me the way I have seen it in people I love.  But that is all in hindsight.  In the middle, there isn't a lot of rational thought, just the big dark cloud in the way of everything I love and everything I know I am, and what I believe and hope to achieve.

So, as the sun is coming out again, and I get to remember who I am and the mysterious purpose for which I am alive, I forgive myself for all things I wish I could do differently when the dark cloud hovers, and simply resolve to remember the sunlight if the sky starts to darken again.

Geographic Solution

My BFF called me this morning from Abu Dhabi, via google+ video chat, which was awesome.  I needed to see her face so badly.  We talked about mostly mundane matters and laughed a lot.  Being fairly new to video calls, I made a lot of faces and kept adjusting the iPad so she wasn't getting such an amazing chin shot of me.  I'm surprised she wasn't made seasick looking at me, although that may have been the very reason she suggested putting it on top of the headboard of my bed and getting it out of my hands.  Roxy came over to say hello, too!

This is us laughing:

One of topics that absorbed some time was our plans for the future.  I will be making a huge geographic change this year - not because I hate my job or Flagstaff is miserable, but because I have become so desperately lonely, I dread weekends.  dread them.  And she and her husband are dealing with normal married with children stuff. And we decided that, yes, indeed, God is putting it in no uncertain times, it is time for me to move on.  And then she told me to watch the Avengers, since it is the best movie ever, and then go see Iron Man 3 and at some point apply for this job in Kentucky I'm eyeballing.

This is a cute shot of Tracy, while I am making faces:

Later, my dear Alicia called to say hey, and when we talked about my current hermitlike state of mind, she said, "Anne, you are the most outgoing person I know!  You have tried EVERYTHING and done EVERYTHING possible in the last four years there.  Thinking about your next step is a good thing!" And then we talked strategy.  We are in the same profession, and Alicia is super smart and less inclined to be impulsive than I am.

That was a normal phone call, so no pictures.  Which I am sure Alicia appreciates!

A colleague called from work to ask me some questions about a mutual project, and I was SOOOO tempted to go in to work and finish it up with him. I stopped myself.

I pulled the covers over my head and slept a while more, Roxy curled up with me.

I've spent the last few weeks sleeping away every weekend, eating mac n cheese almost every meal, pizza last night/breakfast this morning, and then, this past week, I stopped working out.  Me, the tenacious, get up early and work out twice some days fanatic. I haven't written anything outside my blog in months, haven't done any sewing or painting in even longer. I've been tempted to de-friend on Facebook everyone who seemed happier and more together than I am, which would have left me maybe three friends, and all people I do not know well.

I lost the energy to do the things I love, because of the loneliness and feeling unwanted, getting my safety alarms pinging and those old feelings of not mattering to anyone, so I must not matter at all.

So as I woke up and decided to write this blog this morning, technically afternoon now, the energy isn't there, but the motivation is.

Waiting for change has changed nothing.  The weight of all the shoulds running through my head is incapacitating me... My home looks like a crack house, my yard is the shame of my neighborhood, I STILL have not done my taxes, the list is endless and when it piles on, it becomes too much effort to even leave the house.

So, I'm leaving the list of shoulds at home.  I'm not going to exercise or go hiking today.  I'm going to take my Roxy and my laptop and find some beautiful place to sit outside and sip bubble water and just write whatever comes into my head.

Doing something that brings me life, might start bringing back hope, and energy, and eventually, the rest of my life.

Because I do matter.  I just forgot that for a while.

Looking for the Helpers

Mr. Rogers used to quote his mother, saying, "Whenever tragedy strikes, look for the helpers."

Bad things happen, but good people help.

I'm honestly trying to not think too hard about what those three Cleveland women and the little girl went through being held captive in that house for a decade.  Police reports included finding ropes and chains and other sorts of evidence usually seen in a Law and Order SVU episode.

So let's think about Charles Ramsey.  I about cry every time he is interviewed.

He is just a normal, working-class guy.  There he was, hanging out in his living room chomping on McDonald's when he hears a woman yelling for help.

And you know what?  He helped.  He helped kick in a door, call the police, keep that woman and her little girl safe until the police got there.

And then his attitude was, "Of course.  Who wouldn't help?" When asked about receiving a reward for rescuing those women, he said, "I got a paycheck.  Give the money to those women."

Stop a moment and think.  Rough neighborhood, home of a neighborhood friend, something occurring so out of context you might not understand what is happening... or even knowing who else was behind that door, armed with God-Knows-What kind of weapon.

He didn't know.  He still helped.  He expected nothing in return and refused to profit from his actions.

That, to me, is Superman.

Food Rots

It is a running joke about how I do not take good care of plants.  I actually love plants, but am not good at taking care of things that don't remind me to take care of them.  I basically watched a plant die in my office because I would think, Oh, I need to water that! and then get distracted and not remember until the next day.  After a few weeks of that goes by, the plant give up and passes into its next existence.

That is the same reason I do not have an aquarium.  Fish are passive aggressive.  They just go belly up rather than telling you to feed them.  Roxy has no such qualms.  She always lets me know in no uncertain terms what her expectations are: food, clean water, cuddles, walks and treats.  If I forget, she will stand on me until I remember, eventually sticking her nose in my ear if I do not respond fast enough.

So along those lines, the last couple weeks I've been focusing on eating comfort food.  Mac 'n' cheese, (frozen Stouffer's TOTALLY hit the spot!) icecream, brownies, Chick-Fil-A breakfast biscuits, even once a doughnut from Dunkin Donuts... you get the picture.

This morning, I woke up and thought, "Hey, I'm ready to eat healthy again!" I opened the fridge door to get out the ingredients for a green shake.

Then I realized the yogurt had expired, the blueberries had a white fuzzy coating, I was no longer sure how long I'd owned the coconut water, and the bananas on the counter scared me a bit.  I think a new ecosystem was forming.

Those who know me, know nothing aggravates me more than waste, especially wasted food.  I am the leftovers QUEEN.  So I spent a couple moments irritated with myself for buying food I basically watched rot.

I spent a couple minutes conducting an inventory of food I thought might still be edible.  Pretty much just the apples and the spinach, which seem to last forEVER in that fridge.

It isn't even the money spent and wasted that got under my skin.  It is that in the US we waste something like 40% of our food produced -either it goes bad in the grocery store or bad in our homes.  I cut down significantly on my meat consumption once I realized that about 40% of the animals we kill for food get thrown away through this kind of waste.  I'm not anti-meat, but that just seems disrespectful.

So, I begin and then again begin.  I am blessed to live in a part of the world where we have a positively decadent number of choices of food at the grocery store, and blessed to have an income sufficient to eat as well, as often and as much as I like.  I am past my self-irritation.  It is done and all I can do is resolve to do better in the future.

Which really, is all we can do about anything.

Embracing Desert Places

Let me tell you right now, there is no loneliness like the loneliness of a single adult without family.

It isn't that one is friendless, or uncared-for or unloved or even particularly unhappy.  The simple truth is that when one is alone in the world, when there is no one there for any major decision, or to be counted on with consistency, or, really, to build a life with, that my friends, is being alone.

All you happily-coupled folks, take a moment to think about being alone -no spouse, no kids, your family of birth has moved along to embrace those things, as have all of your friends.  All those people will be there if you get into a pinch, but you pretty much have to be in a pinch.  You are outside their 5 acres.

You are (I am) functionally irrelevant.  I realized I have more in common with my homeless friends than I do any of my married ones.

A formerly single friend of mine (married at age 35) is adamant about taking pictures of her single friends.  I asked her why, and she said she remembers that when she was single, no one ever took pictures of her.  When I thought about it, I realized the same is true for me.  I have almost no pictures of myself from age 25 to 43, except for those I specifically requested or necessary for work.

I conducted a bit of an experiment last week.  I decided to see, if I did not initiate contact, who would initiate contact with me.  I had a wonderful email from a dear friend in St. Louis, and a couple phone calls from a dear friend here in Flagstaff, one that occurred late last night because she was a wee bit worried about me.  I reassured them both that I would be fine... mostly from hope, rather than conviction.

On Saturday morning, I was supposed to run a 5k color run.  I diligently picked up my packet the day before.  In contemplating this event, this great sadness washed over me, and I realized I simply did not want to do one more damn thing alone.  I woke up in time, walked to medicine cabinet, downed a bunch of benedryl, and went back to sleep.

I realize this flies in the face of all my deeply-held beliefs, like, Everyone Counts, and that I believe in a God Whose Heart is My Home, yet, there it is.  Sometimes the loneliness is so very acute, merely getting out of bed seems utterly pointless.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”
― Mother Teresa

We all have our own desert places.  I'm just wondering when I get to leave it.  If I will get to leave it.  Will I be stuck here until I reach a wry acceptance of this time, or is my acceptance, itself, irrelevant?

One of my colleagues just stopped in and told me, looking directly into my teary eyes, "What you do matters.  Look at how many kids get to go to college because of you.  You've changed their lives and the lives of their families.  That matters."  Then she nodded and said, "This isn't the end of it, you know.  It is hard, but it will pass.  It isn't time to give up yet."

She is the third person to tell me that today.  Her words have weight because she has been there, in a strange desert where nothing is as it should be, where reality eats into you like sunburn.

SO here is my desert place. And off I go to wander around some more.

Not Even Hungry

So, I've been taking a break from a few different things, mostly from life.  Part of this was to see how many different varieties of chocolate exist in the world, and try to  evaluate them all.

Conclusion: They are all wonderful.

So, as I'm moving back into real life again, I realized my recent habit of eating whatever, whenever, has a bit of a hangover effect.  For example, today... I won't go over everything I ate, but I CAN share that I wasn't ONE BIT HUNGRY when I got back to the office from a lunch meeting, and as I sat at my desk, suddenly had a MAJOR craving for Sugar Mamas' salted caramel brownies.

Seriously.  REALLY wanted them even though I had no actual desire to eat.

Huh.

Of course, given the sheer amount of sugar I have had over the last couple weeks, I sort of expected that the cravings would hang around a few more days, but still.

I had broken my previously ingrained bad habit of mindless eating, but it seems it is time to take it on again.

No worries.  I beat it before and it's much weaker now.