Life and Weight and Saying I'm Sorry

I feel like I have been tired for MONTHS.  My patience is waning, both with myself and outside circumstances and other people.

One of my downline staff got to be the focal point for my irritation yesterday, which of course spiralled out to other people... and several people spent the day in angst and defensiveness that I was upset about something -especially since it wasn't something that was anyone's FAULT.  I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just let them stew and be mad and then I would just ignore them and get on with WORK!  As it was, since I had taken sick leave, I just curled up with my dog and slept.

So, this morning, I got to start the day walking around apologizing to people -first to the staff member I got sharp with, then with the peripheral staff who were involved.  One of them said to me, "We TOLD M--- you weren't really mad, you were just not feeling good, because you never do this sort of thing!"  I was happy to hear my reputation is one of reasonable level-headedness and kindness, which of course, made me feel even worse for not living up to how I am generally regarded!  Still, yesterday several people were made upset for no good reason, and I was the cause.  So, an apology was in order, and accepted and I think we have all let go and moved on.

This is life, really.  Acknowledging my mishaps and taking ownership, making amends when possible, always expressing the need for forgiveness, hoping that the person will take me back in.

And this is faith, really.  Standing in front of a loving and forgiving God, acknowledging the times I "miss the mark" and trusting that this eternal Love will forgive and take me back in.

And when I think about it, this is how we ought to relate to taking loving care of ourselves.  Sometimes, we miss the mark -either by not treating food in proper perspective, or negativity in how we see our bodies or exercise, or rest, or medical needs or meditation, prayer, the needs we have for beauty and nature and peace and companionship and activity.

Even after all this time working on being kinder to myself, I still sometimes look in a mirror and cringe.  If I let those thoughts sit with me, I then make so many decisions based on that feeling of shame, rather than the love I owe myself, and that so many of friends and family model for me.  I mean, not one of my friends would ever say to me, "Dang, AmyAnne, your arms are so awful!!  Can you fly with those bat wings??"

So, one thing I was taught, and still need to do sometimes, is spend active meditation time thanking God for my body, and thanking my body for being so strong and resilient and healthy.  And spending some time forgiving myself for being impatient with myself, for making poor choices when it comes to food and activity -and then letting it go, instead of letting it simmer and lead to more poor choices.

Forgiveness is about letting go.  Letting go is about freedom.

Then freedom opens us to the new opportunities right in front of us.