And, I'm gaining weight. Not much yet, but I'm starting to have visions of gaining back everything I lost with change. So in response to that tight feeling my clothes are giving me, I'm eating even worse and starting the Great Spiral Of Crazy Food Thoughts that never go anywhere good.
During a moment of clarity yesterday, when I was berating myself for yet another poor food choice, I tried to connect with the three-years-ago me, much crazier and reactive than the Me I really know and love... And wondered what made me be more determined and focused and whatever it was that I'm not now.
Judgment.
I remember deciding to stop being so damn judgmental about myself and show myself some fucking compassion about my situation. I decided to remove all judgment about my weight and behavior and look at it as a problem to solve, no longer a character flaw, and stomping on any and all negativity I directed at myself.
Okay, I have a problem to solve.
Back to the basics. Find a support system that includes other people who want a supportive environment to achieve their goals... Friendly, positive, serious about their goals,kind. Started a FB group with friends. I think this is a good direction.
Eating my emotions. Well, I know that is about just feeling my feelings. Be sad, be mad, be happy, be sad one second and mad the next... Acknowledge it and let it go. Stuffing it just adds more fuel to the flame.
Ask for help. Ask for help from God, from my friends, from anyone who is willing to provide it. I am not alone, so I won't act like it.
I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed. Well, I can't just exercise away my stress the way I used to... But being patient with myself as I explore what I CAN do and sleep when I need to and attack that To Do list the way one eats an elephant... one bite at a time... That is crucial.
Reminding myself that peace and calm are gifts from God the same as any other thing... if I don't take advantage of it, they are of no value. When I feel the most rushed and stressed and overwhelmed, that is when I most need to step back, reconnect with the Source whose heart is my home, and show myself some compassion and kindness.
My body is simply worn out from everything it has been required to take on this past year. Bodies need rest. I know myself well enough that any weight gain I see is less about what I eat and more about how I feel. When I'm at peace, the weight comes off with a bit of simple discipline. When I'm not at peace, I could exercise constantly and live off air and not lose a pound.
So my intention this week is to simply show compassion to myself, and live in peace. I will peacefully and with compassion observe my behavior and lovingly decide from there the best course of action.
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