As everyone knows, Oct 16 is the feast of St. Hedwig of Silesia. Okay maybe not EVERYONE, but I'm trying to find a reason to like October 16th.
Traditionally, October is a horrid month for my family anyway, (several deaths during this month!) but since my mom died on this date 14 years ago, and last year on this exact same date was a horrible day, I am simply not fond of this day.
I always swore if I ever got married, it would be in October, just to reclaim the month. Heck, my niece Amelia wanted to avoid October so much, she hung on to be born until November 1! Smart girl!
Out of curiosity, I checked to see what St. Hedwig is the patron saint of: Bavaria, Duchesses, Silesia, Victims of Jealousy, Brides, Death Of Children, Difficult Marriages, Widows, Orphans.
After reading a couple short bios on her, I have a great deal of respect for the woman. SEVEN kids! Then basically became a nun after the kids were raised and her husband died. And other interesting stuff. But her life was not one sheltered from the storms and she kept the faith.
I really respect that.
Sometimes when things get so perfectly dark and you can't see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel, it is perfectly reasonable to give up. Any sensible person would.
But hope drives us on, and faith makes us persevere. Which makes me think being Christian is perfect for all us irrational people.
Jeremiah 29:11: I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for your welfare and not your detriment, to give you a future and a hope.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Angels Whispering
Okay, so... hmmm... sometimes it might be that I put off doing stuff that scares me. Like, well, dealing with student loan people or perhaps maybe my taxes.
Yes, I'm a tax attorney and I do my own taxes out of pride, but put them off until today because I had extra complicated stuff and was frankly worried about the financial hit. And yes, I do know all about interest and penalties.
Today I sort of had the day off work. I had taken vacation time, but ended working a half day anyway due to some deadlines. Anyway, I met my dear friend Michelle for lunch and confided I had not yet done my taxes.
"It's less scary to know than to not know. Just do them and find out," she urged me.
Now, once I had decided to keep extending the deadline, I had kind of forgotten about them. For some reason today they were on my mind.
So, I bit my lip, grabbed my forms, and did my taxes. Found out today is the last day to efile -so if I hadn't filed them TODAY, I would have quite a wait on my refund.
Yep, I said refund. I did get money back.
I had built up the scariness in my mind to the point I didn't even want to think about them, much less DEAL with them. And all that anxiety for nothing.
Huh. Almost like worry doesn't accomplish much. Hard to believe.
Yes, I'm a tax attorney and I do my own taxes out of pride, but put them off until today because I had extra complicated stuff and was frankly worried about the financial hit. And yes, I do know all about interest and penalties.
Today I sort of had the day off work. I had taken vacation time, but ended working a half day anyway due to some deadlines. Anyway, I met my dear friend Michelle for lunch and confided I had not yet done my taxes.
"It's less scary to know than to not know. Just do them and find out," she urged me.
Now, once I had decided to keep extending the deadline, I had kind of forgotten about them. For some reason today they were on my mind.
So, I bit my lip, grabbed my forms, and did my taxes. Found out today is the last day to efile -so if I hadn't filed them TODAY, I would have quite a wait on my refund.
Yep, I said refund. I did get money back.
I had built up the scariness in my mind to the point I didn't even want to think about them, much less DEAL with them. And all that anxiety for nothing.
Huh. Almost like worry doesn't accomplish much. Hard to believe.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Psalm 23, revisited
Psalm 23 always seemed a little hokey to me, probably because I remember all those commercials from the 70s advertising some famous actor recording Bible readings, and they used that one in the commercial. I groan a little inwardly when someone quotes it.
I like the dramatic ones like 18, or the fierce ones, like 144.
Still, for some reason it was going through my head like an ear worm on the drive back from Vegas today.
The Lord is my shepherd ... Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil... I will dwell in the house of the Lord for endless days...
The Lord is my shepherd. There you have it. I'm a sheep. Sigh.
A priest, who actually had BEEN a sheep-herder as a boy, once said, "We think of sheep as stupid, but they aren't. They are vulnerable, not stupid."
Honestly, that's not a whole lot more comfortable than being thought of as stupid.
SO when I read this psalm once I got home with new eyes, it really is less about the sappiness of the restful waters and verdant pastures, and more about our true safety when we accept our vulnerability and let God shield us. The psalmist tells us that we are so safe in God, that death itself is nothing to fear, and that we are so safe, we can sit down and have a feast right there with our enemies poised!!
I can rest, can stop my constant vigilance, can walk anywhere and be in perfect safety when I let the Lord be my shepherd.
I like the dramatic ones like 18, or the fierce ones, like 144.
Still, for some reason it was going through my head like an ear worm on the drive back from Vegas today.
The Lord is my shepherd ... Though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil... I will dwell in the house of the Lord for endless days...
The Lord is my shepherd. There you have it. I'm a sheep. Sigh.
A priest, who actually had BEEN a sheep-herder as a boy, once said, "We think of sheep as stupid, but they aren't. They are vulnerable, not stupid."
Honestly, that's not a whole lot more comfortable than being thought of as stupid.
SO when I read this psalm once I got home with new eyes, it really is less about the sappiness of the restful waters and verdant pastures, and more about our true safety when we accept our vulnerability and let God shield us. The psalmist tells us that we are so safe in God, that death itself is nothing to fear, and that we are so safe, we can sit down and have a feast right there with our enemies poised!!
I can rest, can stop my constant vigilance, can walk anywhere and be in perfect safety when I let the Lord be my shepherd.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Setting Fire to the Rain
Last night I did actually go to the running club at Buffalo Park. It was chilly and rainy but Mary Kate was there and she will never abandon me.
It was SO MUCH FUN! The rain cleared away all the junk in the air, and we kept a perfectly manageable pace, and Forest and some other volunteer coach who was very sweet but whose name I never caught stuck with us three serious newbies... MK, me and a woman named Charlotte...?
And since only about 1/3 of the folks who usually run showed up, we got to feel extra superior, which is always nice.
Anyway, since Adele songs are the best to run to because they keep a steady rhythm throughout, I had Set Fire to the Rain going through my head, while MK had AC/DC's Thunder going through hers.
It was one of the best runs I've ever had. It wasn't easy, and one time when Forest called the 30 second mark, I thought he called time to stop, and I stopped, and then had to start again. That wasn't the most fun ever, but I DID it.
Psalm 60 says with God's help we can do mighty things, and I actually did feel quite mighty last night.
It was SO MUCH FUN! The rain cleared away all the junk in the air, and we kept a perfectly manageable pace, and Forest and some other volunteer coach who was very sweet but whose name I never caught stuck with us three serious newbies... MK, me and a woman named Charlotte...?
And since only about 1/3 of the folks who usually run showed up, we got to feel extra superior, which is always nice.
Anyway, since Adele songs are the best to run to because they keep a steady rhythm throughout, I had Set Fire to the Rain going through my head, while MK had AC/DC's Thunder going through hers.
It was one of the best runs I've ever had. It wasn't easy, and one time when Forest called the 30 second mark, I thought he called time to stop, and I stopped, and then had to start again. That wasn't the most fun ever, but I DID it.
Psalm 60 says with God's help we can do mighty things, and I actually did feel quite mighty last night.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Compassion Project
Okay, after reading the post from this morning and then a chance phone call from my BFF I realized that I am still lacking in compassion for myself.
Tracy said, "Amy, you have asthma -you aren't deficient, you didn't screw up, you have ASTHMA. It isn't your fault you had a tough time last night. You have ASTHMA."
Yes, but...
Well, yes.
But I don't want to have asthma and I hate that I have asthma and it FEELS like a deficiency, like I ought to be able to just power through it. Sometimes, I can. Last night was not one of those nights.
It didn't occur to me to ask Jesus into this problem until a few minutes ago.
So, I am going to come up with a TRUE counterpart to every mean thing I said to myself last night.
:-( "You are an idiot for thinking you could ever run."
:-( "If you had done something differently, you would be able to breathe."
:-( "If you were more focused, the asthma would not effect you so badly."
:-( "You will never be able to keep up."
:-( "You will never be able to do this."
:-( "You should never have thought that someday you would be able to run. You are pretentious and stupid and you ought to just give up now before you look even more stupid."
:-( "You will never get to any of your goals because you will always have asthma and you will always screw it up."
:-( "See, now you're crying, you have no control over your own emotions and you will always be a great big incurable mess."
:-( "You will never have the life you want because you aren't capable of keeping it together long enough to make it happen."
:-( "Stupid, worthless, weak."
Wow, I can be really mean to myself and throw lies around just to be mean.
What is TRUE?
It has been proven objectively that I am not stupid. I have hope that inch by inch I get closer to being the person God created me to be: healthy and happy and loving and kind and compassionate. I have asthma and that is a controllable illness that sometimes flares but it is not a character flaw. I have no control whatsoever on the air quality of my geographic region, no do I get any input as to when the Forestry Service decides to do control burns. On days when my asthma is flaring, I can choose to workout indoors and not tell myself I am being weak. I am allowed to have dreams and even if I do not ever realize them fully, I will learn something and have a fuller life because of them.
I WILL run well one day. The battle does not determine the war.
Tracy said, "Amy, you have asthma -you aren't deficient, you didn't screw up, you have ASTHMA. It isn't your fault you had a tough time last night. You have ASTHMA."
Yes, but...
Well, yes.
But I don't want to have asthma and I hate that I have asthma and it FEELS like a deficiency, like I ought to be able to just power through it. Sometimes, I can. Last night was not one of those nights.
It didn't occur to me to ask Jesus into this problem until a few minutes ago.
So, I am going to come up with a TRUE counterpart to every mean thing I said to myself last night.
:-( "You are an idiot for thinking you could ever run."
:-( "If you had done something differently, you would be able to breathe."
:-( "If you were more focused, the asthma would not effect you so badly."
:-( "You will never be able to keep up."
:-( "You will never be able to do this."
:-( "You should never have thought that someday you would be able to run. You are pretentious and stupid and you ought to just give up now before you look even more stupid."
:-( "You will never get to any of your goals because you will always have asthma and you will always screw it up."
:-( "See, now you're crying, you have no control over your own emotions and you will always be a great big incurable mess."
:-( "You will never have the life you want because you aren't capable of keeping it together long enough to make it happen."
:-( "Stupid, worthless, weak."
Wow, I can be really mean to myself and throw lies around just to be mean.
What is TRUE?
It has been proven objectively that I am not stupid. I have hope that inch by inch I get closer to being the person God created me to be: healthy and happy and loving and kind and compassionate. I have asthma and that is a controllable illness that sometimes flares but it is not a character flaw. I have no control whatsoever on the air quality of my geographic region, no do I get any input as to when the Forestry Service decides to do control burns. On days when my asthma is flaring, I can choose to workout indoors and not tell myself I am being weak. I am allowed to have dreams and even if I do not ever realize them fully, I will learn something and have a fuller life because of them.
I WILL run well one day. The battle does not determine the war.
Giving Up
Yesterday was rather an ugly day at work. I mean, no one was mean to me or anything, just a hugehuge project with an extremely tight deadline was dropped in my lap, and I literally had to push aside every other urgent thing in front of me to manage someone else's project. I wish I could say I did it with good grace. On the outside, I was the consummate professional. On the inside, I was shrieking in a tone only bats could hear.
It did not help matters that I was unable to eat anything until about 4:30. I was positively growly.
I did leave the office at 5:30 and head over to my running class. Here was my state of mind:
Dang it, MK won't be there, and Steph won't be there, and all the really FAST runners WILL be there and I missed last week because of the business trip and DAMN IT THERE IS THAT#$%^&&*^ CONTROL BURN and this sucks and I do not want to be here and I just can't do this and I am all alone and look stupid and I can't just give up and so (Oh, there is Jane, I need to remember to tell her about progress on that project and oh, yeah, I forgot to call Mr. Big, and dang it, I forgot 1234567 different things, and I just want to go home.) I just can't do this tonight.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that whether I think I can or think I can't, I'm right. Pride alone kept me at the track. I could not go back and tell MK I showed up and then left before even trying.
So, we went through the warm-ups, and my lungs felt constricted just during that. A sense of dread began to fill my chest as the first set started. I was wheezing less than a minute into into it.
And I gave up right then. Oh, I still "tried" two more sets, each one worse than the one before. I simply could not catch my breath. I was angry and ashamed -I had done a much harder workout on my own just on Sunday! I walked the 4th set and the coach came up to me, and I just looked at him and said, "I'm done. I'm out." He said, "Hey, you just want to walk around the track, that's cool!"
I could feel the tears welling up, and I said, "Nope, I"m done, I'll see you Thursday at Buffalo Park." He nodded and ran up to join the real runners.
I grabbed my stuff and the tears started immediately. When I got to my car, I started sobbing -a big openmouthed ugly cry. I kept that up through the drive home, letting Roxy out, curling up in bed and just could not stop. I did not know I had it in me to cry for a whole hour nonstop. Then I cried off and on for the rest of the evening. I felt like every time I take two steps forward, I slide three steps back.
I don't know what I could have done differently. I was wired when I got there, which never helps, and feeling weird and alone, but none of those are things I can do much about. My job is high pressure and I'm not good at running yet. Usually getting all sweaty makes me feel better.
But when my lungs refuse to cooperate, all I can do is... nothing.
It did not help matters that I was unable to eat anything until about 4:30. I was positively growly.
I did leave the office at 5:30 and head over to my running class. Here was my state of mind:
Dang it, MK won't be there, and Steph won't be there, and all the really FAST runners WILL be there and I missed last week because of the business trip and DAMN IT THERE IS THAT#$%^&&*^ CONTROL BURN and this sucks and I do not want to be here and I just can't do this and I am all alone and look stupid and I can't just give up and so (Oh, there is Jane, I need to remember to tell her about progress on that project and oh, yeah, I forgot to call Mr. Big, and dang it, I forgot 1234567 different things, and I just want to go home.) I just can't do this tonight.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that whether I think I can or think I can't, I'm right. Pride alone kept me at the track. I could not go back and tell MK I showed up and then left before even trying.
So, we went through the warm-ups, and my lungs felt constricted just during that. A sense of dread began to fill my chest as the first set started. I was wheezing less than a minute into into it.
And I gave up right then. Oh, I still "tried" two more sets, each one worse than the one before. I simply could not catch my breath. I was angry and ashamed -I had done a much harder workout on my own just on Sunday! I walked the 4th set and the coach came up to me, and I just looked at him and said, "I'm done. I'm out." He said, "Hey, you just want to walk around the track, that's cool!"
I could feel the tears welling up, and I said, "Nope, I"m done, I'll see you Thursday at Buffalo Park." He nodded and ran up to join the real runners.
I grabbed my stuff and the tears started immediately. When I got to my car, I started sobbing -a big openmouthed ugly cry. I kept that up through the drive home, letting Roxy out, curling up in bed and just could not stop. I did not know I had it in me to cry for a whole hour nonstop. Then I cried off and on for the rest of the evening. I felt like every time I take two steps forward, I slide three steps back.
I don't know what I could have done differently. I was wired when I got there, which never helps, and feeling weird and alone, but none of those are things I can do much about. My job is high pressure and I'm not good at running yet. Usually getting all sweaty makes me feel better.
But when my lungs refuse to cooperate, all I can do is... nothing.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Wise and Foolish
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
When my eyes are watching God, I usually know the right thing to do. Sometimes it isn't pleasant, but still, it is the right thing to do. Mostly, it is rather inconvenient, as following God interrupts the flow of whatever I was getting drenched in.
Yesterday was my first day back at work after being out of town for almost 2 weeks. I spoke to a friend later, pondering, "How does the university stay open when I'm not here??" I hadn't even been on vacation, just working out of town!
Yesterday, my interruptions got interrupted. Various issues flared and last-minute meetings called. i found myself getting wound up and making arbitrary decisions simply because I did not have time to think things through.
On such days, I usually do not make time to eat or get outside. Somewhere around mid-morning, I realized that I did not have the luxury of starving myself because I was meeting my trainer after work, and if I showed up without having fueled properly, I'd be mean to him and probably get sick. So I set reminders on my calendar to eat, so I would be forced to stop what I was doing and acknowledge I'm human and have to eat.
Then, at 5PM, I threw on my workout clothes and walked out the door, leaving a few things unfinished (GASP!) They were still there this morning, proving my theory that no one will sneak in and do my work if I leave it overnight.
God wants me to take good care of myself, which in turn helps me be a better employee, better manager, better friend and sister and volunteer and all the other titles I cherish. This wisdom eluded me for many years, until I asked God for help, and He gave it to me.
When my eyes are watching God, I usually know the right thing to do. Sometimes it isn't pleasant, but still, it is the right thing to do. Mostly, it is rather inconvenient, as following God interrupts the flow of whatever I was getting drenched in.
Yesterday was my first day back at work after being out of town for almost 2 weeks. I spoke to a friend later, pondering, "How does the university stay open when I'm not here??" I hadn't even been on vacation, just working out of town!
Yesterday, my interruptions got interrupted. Various issues flared and last-minute meetings called. i found myself getting wound up and making arbitrary decisions simply because I did not have time to think things through.
On such days, I usually do not make time to eat or get outside. Somewhere around mid-morning, I realized that I did not have the luxury of starving myself because I was meeting my trainer after work, and if I showed up without having fueled properly, I'd be mean to him and probably get sick. So I set reminders on my calendar to eat, so I would be forced to stop what I was doing and acknowledge I'm human and have to eat.
Then, at 5PM, I threw on my workout clothes and walked out the door, leaving a few things unfinished (GASP!) They were still there this morning, proving my theory that no one will sneak in and do my work if I leave it overnight.
God wants me to take good care of myself, which in turn helps me be a better employee, better manager, better friend and sister and volunteer and all the other titles I cherish. This wisdom eluded me for many years, until I asked God for help, and He gave it to me.
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