Okay, after reading the post from this morning and then a chance phone call from my BFF I realized that I am still lacking in compassion for myself.
Tracy said, "Amy, you have asthma -you aren't deficient, you didn't screw up, you have ASTHMA. It isn't your fault you had a tough time last night. You have ASTHMA."
Yes, but...
Well, yes.
But I don't want to have asthma and I hate that I have asthma and it FEELS like a deficiency, like I ought to be able to just power through it. Sometimes, I can. Last night was not one of those nights.
It didn't occur to me to ask Jesus into this problem until a few minutes ago.
So, I am going to come up with a TRUE counterpart to every mean thing I said to myself last night.
:-( "You are an idiot for thinking you could ever run."
:-( "If you had done something differently, you would be able to breathe."
:-( "If you were more focused, the asthma would not effect you so badly."
:-( "You will never be able to keep up."
:-( "You will never be able to do this."
:-( "You should never have thought that someday you would be able to run. You are pretentious and stupid and you ought to just give up now before you look even more stupid."
:-( "You will never get to any of your goals because you will always have asthma and you will always screw it up."
:-( "See, now you're crying, you have no control over your own emotions and you will always be a great big incurable mess."
:-( "You will never have the life you want because you aren't capable of keeping it together long enough to make it happen."
:-( "Stupid, worthless, weak."
Wow, I can be really mean to myself and throw lies around just to be mean.
What is TRUE?
It has been proven objectively that I am not stupid. I have hope that inch by inch I get closer to being the person God created me to be: healthy and happy and loving and kind and compassionate. I have asthma and that is a controllable illness that sometimes flares but it is not a character flaw. I have no control whatsoever on the air quality of my geographic region, no do I get any input as to when the Forestry Service decides to do control burns. On days when my asthma is flaring, I can choose to workout indoors and not tell myself I am being weak. I am allowed to have dreams and even if I do not ever realize them fully, I will learn something and have a fuller life because of them.
I WILL run well one day. The battle does not determine the war.
Amy, look how far you've come in the last 2 years. You work out regularly, you eat sensibly. 2 years ago would you even have thought about joining a running group, or doing heavy lifting?
ReplyDeleteYou are human, with human frailties, and emotions, and that is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
You are clever, loving, compassionate, fun, beautiful, and inspiring. xx
Thank you, Ash. I'm just so frustrated with this. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is rather wavering. ((hug))
ReplyDelete"The battle does not determine the war." Beautiful. I am posting this in my journal. And make my best effort to REMEMBER it!
ReplyDeleteI have always wanted to run, and have made attempts. But finding support gear for the top half has been elusive; I'll be in great pain for days. It's held me back from many physical activities. But I WILL make it to a half marathon one day. I guess I have my own running limitations :)
Big hug to you!! You are amazing!!
(((hug))) You are awesome, Miss Philly Girl! ;-)
ReplyDelete