44 Reasons

I'm turning 44 next week.  According to FB, I'm turning 103.  I really need to get around to changing that. I'm probably skewing their stats somehow.

Last year (when it was readily apparent the previous year, in which I turned 42, turned out to be a huge clusterfuck of a year, and I could not think of more than one or two good things that happened) I decided to write down one good thing every single day so I could not say that about this past year.

I'm really glad I decided to do that. The challenges this year have been pervasive and sometimes disheartening.  I've been ill several times, my back has gone out and now I find out it is actually really in bad shape, very big staffing challenges at work, struggling with loneliness, struggling to stay positive and hopeful and healthy.

I do have a tendency to look back on a year and see everything that DIDN'T happen. Didn't lose more weight, get in better shape, find a new job, meet a boyfriend, learn Spanish or get my Christmas cards out before Christmas.

So, what was in my Blessings Jar?

Spain.  Spain was a very big happy thing.

Mostly it was little things.  A surprise note from my sister in law, a phone call from my cousin, lunch with dear friends, someone bringing me Lumberyard mac n cheese when I was sick, a good book or a sweet Snapchat or text from a darling niece.  Someone whose opinion matters to me saying he was proud of me.  Sitting on a beach with a dear friend thinking about nothing at all.  Small lucky things, like a bill being smaller than I thought it would be, or a car accident that just BARELY didn't happen. Beautiful things, those moments when you are real and the person you are with is real and it is scary and vulnerable and lovely all at once. God things -unexplanable events, love, forgiveness.

I was looking for 44 reasons today reminding me of happiness, and got 365.  Not a bad practice at all.

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Soft Spots

I have a soft spot for different kinds of people, but today I've been thinking a lot about my homeless peeps.  It is really freakin cold out there.

I also have been filled with a lot of gratitude for the folks who, during the times I had no where to go, took me in.

The thing is, as I look back on my life (as this is my birthday month, I seem to be rather reflective) I can think of several times I did not have a place to live, and but for people who cared for me, I would have been homeless.

In high school when my mom would flake out, I knew I could show up on the doorsteps of my friends, and their parents would take me in, feed me, and make sure I got to school.

In college when a summer job fell through, I showed up at a friend's apartment with a duffle bag holding everything I owned (quite literally $5 to my name) and my sweet dog, Susie, and we all lived there rent-free for a few months. (Turned out, the place had been condemned so the LL couldn't collect rent for it, and rather than find a safer place, we rejoiced in saving money! Crazy kids.)

After law school, living with my dear aunt and uncle in Houston, and then with my friend Tracy and her then-husband, until I got a full time job and on my feet.

After the dreadful convent experience, moving back in with my dad until I could get my head on straight to hold down a job.

In each of these times if someone hadn't been moved to pity, saying, "This is your place until you get it together" my alternative would have been a homeless shelter.

Admittedly, it has been a long time since I have been jobless or without resources but I think those experiences are what grew all the soft spots in my heart.  I think people know that, so I meet lots of folks who need stuff -sometimes socks, sometimes just a kind smile.  And I CAN give that to them.

I'm very comfortable in my life today... my little house is warm and I can buy gifts for my nieces and treat friends to dinner and buy any clothes I need or want at the moment the whim strikes.  I went to freakin SPAIN this year!  I look around in wonderment sometimes, puzzling how I got to this lovely place when there were so many chances along the way to fall down and stay down.

But LOVE lifts us all up, right?  It's LOVE that makes us all hug our friends and family tight and make room for them.  It's LOVE that puts the coins in the red kettle, or dishes out the turkey on Thanksgiving, or slips a grungy looking guy a five.  It's LOVE that says, "I will stand with you when you are hopeless and in despair and heading in the wrong direction."  LOVE says, "I will keep pointing toward the light."

That kind of Love lets the whole world know we aren't alone.

Confessions of a Sedentary Fall

2013 was not a year to go down in the books as The Best Year Ever.  However, it did not completely suck, as I was careful to write down all the non-sucky things to remind myself my life is actually pretty damn good.

My assistant, Katrina, and I were chatting today about my back.  She is studying to be a physician's assistant, and her husband is a physical therapist, so she has a rabid interest in these things.

One of the very hardest things for me to do as I try to live a reasonably healthy life is the integration of physical activity since my back has been making a lot of noise.  I actually love to exercise, but over the years I have learned to keep going, even when it hurts.  It's just pain, you know?

My physical therapist about had a stroke when I mentioned I had gone running over the holiday.  I've been told by several health professionals that maybe someday I will be able to run again, but now is not that time.  While I was running, it was awesome... the next day I was hobbling along.  He said, "I am really happy your back felt good enough to go running, but please don't do that again until we get it healed."

Then yesterday I had an AWESOME workout with my trainer... yeah, my back started to hurt a bit during the lunges, but it wasn't bad... and then later I stood stooped for an hour helping actresses with their hair... today, I am hobbling and feeling rather teary.

Katrina gave me the LOOK, the one she usually reserves for me waving goodbye to a deadline, "You're not going to get better if you keep that up!"

"I know, I know!" I said.  "But it is so hard to know when to stop and I have been such a SLUG since August... I hardly work out at all, and PT isn't really calorie burning -it is all these small movements and I have to stop so fast and I'm getting FAT again and my jeans are tight and I'm freaking out!"

"THAT doesn't matter!" she waved her hands.  "Your back matters!  You won't be able to exercise at all if you aren't mobile!  Priorities!  Your back is your priority!  If you gain weight you will lose it when your back is better!  How hard do you think it will be to lose weight if you are stuck in bed because your back is out??"

Then I got the stern I-love-you-but-I-will-smack-you look as she waited for my promise to love my back enough to be aware when it is done with an activity.  She didn't wait long.  She scares me a little.

So, "patience," "compassion" and "awareness" are the words of the month.

Happy Gratitude Expression Day!

Right now I am giving thanks that I am in Baton Rouge and sleeping a lot and eating well and have really lovely meds!  The emergency root canal trauma is past, and I am calm and happy in Creole country!  The hot stone massage and lovely facial contributed to my centeredness.

This morning I decided to go for a walk.  The last couple days have been about traveling and spa-ing and eating and I was feeling really restless.

Off I set into the chill Louisiana morning.  The temperature was the same here as it was in Flagstaff, which is wrong on many levels.  Still, the sun was shining brightly and the breeze was light and invigorating and I longed for that sense of superiority one feels as one is out getting exercise while others are feasting. 

The music was great.  My back was a little achey but as I walked it worked itself out... and I wanted to run.  I went back and forth in my mind... I have been warned to not run for a while until I'm farther along in physical therapy and my lower back is stronger.  But then a really good song came on, and I just had to run.  Had to!

So, I did.  I felt rebellious for about 10 seconds then had to concentrate on breathing.

As much as I have complained about running in the past, I admit there were times I have loved it.  Running along Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago from the Chicago River, around Shedd aquarium and back again was a beautiful run.  Running in Phoenix early one morning and watching the world wake up in purples and reds reminded me of the beauty in every setting, when you look for it.

Running isn't something my body takes to... Asthma interferes, especially in Flagstaff where the altitude and the control burns sometimes conspire to suck the joy out of being outside at all, much less running. My back protests when I push too hard.

But sometimes, everything clicks together in some sort of magical sequence that requires my feet to burst into a run and stay there until my lungs burn and my shirt is soaked with sweat, and yeah, my back is aching but that is nothing compared to the sheer joy of moving through the air.

Sometimes I get mad at my body for not being everything I want it to be, and this morning as the sun shone on my back and my ponytail bobbed against my neck, all I could feel was gratitude for the ability to run.  Not a talent and not something I will ever be good at, but I can do it.  My body has survived so many challenges and has climbed every wall I needed to climb.  There are days coming, just as there have been before, when I will not be able to run... or climb... or walk... and I pray my attitude will not be one of grief and loss but simple gratitude of knowing what it feels like when the breeze is light and fresh and my feet are warm from the ground and the music in my ears is perfect and all is well with the world.

Calms and Storms

I was talking to a former colleague and she said, You were always so fun to work with, and so calm!

I was a bit nonplussed at that statement until she reminded me of the time when an hysterical drug addict came into our little storefront law firm in Indiana, and how I kept my head and just dealt with it and was super calm with her.  Or the time a client was losing her head over the possibility of losing custody of her kids and how quietly I managed the situation.

Okay, I will own being good in a crisis.

Yesterday was not that day.

To be fair to myself, this has been building.  It was a rough day to begin with, and  I've been getting sucker punch after sucker punch lately from Life and yesterday culminated in an emergency root canal.  This was not good news.  I could feel my already stress laden brain panicking as the memory of the severe pain from my last root canal in July came to mind, along with ending up in the hospital and missing a lot of work.

I had a total meltdown at the endodontist's office.  She was very kind and explained that happens a lot, including the asthma attack and throwing up part.  That was very nice of her.  She then wrote me a scrip for Valium.

I had to go to Target and while there realized I was past the point of dealing rationally.  So I got a lot of candy -intending to binge quite frankly.

Once I got home and played with Roxy (shout out to Jayne for taking her to her vet appt while I was getting needles stuck in the roof of my mouth!) and ate dinner, I chilled out a bit.  My cousin Hammie called and we talked.  I baked cookies for my dear friend I am visiting today in Louisiana.  I picked a date to travel to Barcelona in the spring.  I packed my suitcase.  I was a lot calmer.  

Eventually, I had a chat with God and apologized for handling things so badly yesterday.  He said it wasn't a big deal and really I am being too hard on myself.  It was a bad day and crying is good for your skin and also releases stress hormones.  Pretending things are fine when they aren't doesn't really benefit anyone.

So as I walked out to the kitchen this morning, I saw the big bag of candy.  I had forgotten I'd bought all that.  I was right when I realized I was beyond dealing with the day rationally.  It wasn't a rational day.  It required dealing with all the emotions and stress and fear and pain.  It did not require candy.  It required love and friends and crying and some really sweet painkillers.

And today is a brand new day.

Loving What You Do

I was at a conference this week, and met someone who basically offered me the opportunity to explore job opportunities at his trust firm.  He pointed out that what I could be making in Manhattan would make the rest of my life QUITE financially comfortable.

So we talked.  In my disbelief that SOMEONE WAS TALKING TO ME ABOUT A JOB THAT PAYS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN I MAKE NOW, I promptly texted half the people I know.  Most encouraged me to follow up and take the job if offered, because damn that's a lot of money.  And I was flattered... He explained that my particular qualifications are very rare and very expensive in the world of high finance.  I'm expensive.  I knew that on the output side, never realized that on the income side!

I learned from taking a job once purely for the money to NEVER EVER DO THAT, so I was a bit more circumspect.

The kind of job he was offering was basically life in a shark tank.  If you know me, you know I crumble like a cracker under pressure.

Okay, that isn't really true, I'm pretty damn tough, actually.  But I just don't CARE enough about money to live my life with that at the center.  That sort of job comes with that as a minimum qualification.

A few years ago, I looked around and realized I make enough money. Yeah, it would be nice to have enough to live in luxury, but really, I have a roof over my head, a driveable car and I never have to choose between electricity and food.  This puts me in a pretty freakin grand situation.

More importantly, I have TIME.  I get a goodly number of vacation days, I can spend time with my friends, I don't have to keep my phone on 24/7 or when I'm on vacation.  I work hard, but I can set boundaries for my mental health.

So, while knowing I am Expensive is delightful, I don't want to pay that high a price for that kind of life.

Judgement Day

So. I've been feeling bad about myself lately.  I've been getting sick easily, not rolling with the punches the way I want to be, and I'm eating anything and everything caloricly dense I can find. I'm tired. I'm reactive.

And, I'm gaining weight.  Not much yet, but I'm starting to have visions of gaining back everything I lost with change. So in response to that tight feeling my clothes are giving me, I'm eating even worse and starting the Great Spiral Of Crazy Food Thoughts that never go anywhere good.

During a moment of clarity yesterday, when I was berating myself for yet another poor food choice, I tried to connect with the three-years-ago me, much crazier and reactive than the Me I really know and love... And wondered what made me be more determined and focused and whatever it was that I'm not now.

Judgment.

I remember deciding to stop being so damn judgmental about myself and show myself some fucking compassion about my situation.  I decided to remove all judgment about my weight and behavior and look at it as a problem to solve, no longer a character flaw, and stomping on any and all negativity I directed at myself.

Okay, I have a problem to solve.  

Back to the basics.  Find a support system that includes other people who want a supportive environment to achieve their goals... Friendly, positive, serious about their goals,kind.  Started a FB group with friends.  I think this is a good direction.

Eating my emotions.  Well, I know that is about just feeling my feelings. Be sad, be mad, be happy, be sad one second and mad the next... Acknowledge it and let it go.  Stuffing it just adds more fuel to the flame.

Ask for help.  Ask for help from God, from my friends, from anyone who is willing to provide it.  I am not alone, so I won't act like it.

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed.  Well, I can't just exercise away my stress the way I used to... But being patient with myself as I explore what I CAN do and sleep when I need to and attack that To Do list the way one eats an elephant... one bite at a time... That is crucial.

Reminding myself that peace and calm are gifts from God the same as any other thing... if I don't take advantage of it, they are of no value.  When I feel the most rushed and stressed and overwhelmed, that is when I most need to step back, reconnect with the Source whose heart is my home, and show myself some compassion and kindness.

My body is simply worn out from everything it has been required to take on this past year.  Bodies need rest.  I know myself well enough that any weight gain I see is less about what I eat and more about how I feel.  When I'm at peace, the weight comes off with a bit of simple discipline.  When I'm not at peace, I could exercise constantly and live off air and not lose a pound.

So my intention this week is to simply show compassion to myself, and live in peace.  I will peacefully and with compassion observe my behavior and lovingly decide from there the best course of action.