Dreams and Other Beautiful Things

What does it take to build a dream?

What does it take to pull out of every day life of repetitive tasks and paying bills and addressing immediate concerns?

Sometimes a shock, or a nagging idea that wakes you up at night and makes you pull out your sketchbook, or when no other option seems open to you, because your life would not seem RIGHT without that.

I don't think most people have just one dream, either.  I think about the dreams I've had over the years:

Owning a horse (ages 4-14)

Meeting God (always in the back of my head)

Getting married (ages ? - never mind)

Having kids

Being a nun

Graduating from law school

Being a great belly dancer

Being financially stable

Having a career

Getting healthy

Going to Spain

And more.  Some of these have happened,  some not.  Some I've released (such as owning a horse!) and some remain held in hope.  Some happened without any planning at all.  Some take a great deal of structure.

I read a passage in a book I am reading in my faith sharing group that essentially says, Sometimes just as there are no sufficient answers, the questions themselves are a mystery.  Therein lies faith.

I marveled recently that my life has been pretty freakin amazing, and how did I get here?  I do not have answers, simply gratitude, and wonder, and sometimes, faith.

Love. Pray. Believe.

I'm determined to not get sick at all during 2014.  I'm eating crazy healthy, getting lots of sleep, getting a fair amount of exercise.

Of course, we are only one week in.  But, I don't make resolutions.  I make plans.

I've already sent in my vacation requests for now through April.  I'm laying groundwork for things to accomplish at work for the next two years.  I'm developing a new organizational system to be more on top of stuff there, too.

I stopped blogging for a while because I felt all I had to say was negative: My back hurts, I'm sick, I'm worried, I'm lonely...

And while that all was/is TRUE, I didn't want to make it a focal point. Dwelling solves nothing.

And whenever I start to think, "wow, has anything at all CHANGED??" a few things come along to remind me that life is ever so much different -better, happier, calmer.

I had a difficult talk with my physical therapist (not to be confused with my personal trainer, with whom talking is rarely difficult!) this morning, and this, too, underscored how much healing has been done in me.

There were a couple awkward/weird moments during my last PT session, and my first inclination in such situations is to simply move on.  But, he is really good, and it isn't about HIM, it is about me, and how I never actually communicated a few things to him, like how I find being touched by people I don't know to be an intense experience.

So, I practiced in my head what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it.  The talk went really well, and I committed to letting him know when I need some space or a break, and he committed to remembering a few things, too.

Believe it or not, this is real progress.

2013, in retrospect, was a year about learning to trust.  I was reminded over and over that I am surrounded by Love, and that God is always with me, and wants what is very best for me.

2014 seems to be a call to move forward in that trust and take some risks.  The command, "Love! Pray! Believe!" is really a reminder that those basic actions keep my life open to the will of God, and attuned to His constant call to my heart.

I really don't know what 2014 will have in store for me.  I'm kind of excited to see.

44 Reasons

I'm turning 44 next week.  According to FB, I'm turning 103.  I really need to get around to changing that. I'm probably skewing their stats somehow.

Last year (when it was readily apparent the previous year, in which I turned 42, turned out to be a huge clusterfuck of a year, and I could not think of more than one or two good things that happened) I decided to write down one good thing every single day so I could not say that about this past year.

I'm really glad I decided to do that. The challenges this year have been pervasive and sometimes disheartening.  I've been ill several times, my back has gone out and now I find out it is actually really in bad shape, very big staffing challenges at work, struggling with loneliness, struggling to stay positive and hopeful and healthy.

I do have a tendency to look back on a year and see everything that DIDN'T happen. Didn't lose more weight, get in better shape, find a new job, meet a boyfriend, learn Spanish or get my Christmas cards out before Christmas.

So, what was in my Blessings Jar?

Spain.  Spain was a very big happy thing.

Mostly it was little things.  A surprise note from my sister in law, a phone call from my cousin, lunch with dear friends, someone bringing me Lumberyard mac n cheese when I was sick, a good book or a sweet Snapchat or text from a darling niece.  Someone whose opinion matters to me saying he was proud of me.  Sitting on a beach with a dear friend thinking about nothing at all.  Small lucky things, like a bill being smaller than I thought it would be, or a car accident that just BARELY didn't happen. Beautiful things, those moments when you are real and the person you are with is real and it is scary and vulnerable and lovely all at once. God things -unexplanable events, love, forgiveness.

I was looking for 44 reasons today reminding me of happiness, and got 365.  Not a bad practice at all.

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Soft Spots

I have a soft spot for different kinds of people, but today I've been thinking a lot about my homeless peeps.  It is really freakin cold out there.

I also have been filled with a lot of gratitude for the folks who, during the times I had no where to go, took me in.

The thing is, as I look back on my life (as this is my birthday month, I seem to be rather reflective) I can think of several times I did not have a place to live, and but for people who cared for me, I would have been homeless.

In high school when my mom would flake out, I knew I could show up on the doorsteps of my friends, and their parents would take me in, feed me, and make sure I got to school.

In college when a summer job fell through, I showed up at a friend's apartment with a duffle bag holding everything I owned (quite literally $5 to my name) and my sweet dog, Susie, and we all lived there rent-free for a few months. (Turned out, the place had been condemned so the LL couldn't collect rent for it, and rather than find a safer place, we rejoiced in saving money! Crazy kids.)

After law school, living with my dear aunt and uncle in Houston, and then with my friend Tracy and her then-husband, until I got a full time job and on my feet.

After the dreadful convent experience, moving back in with my dad until I could get my head on straight to hold down a job.

In each of these times if someone hadn't been moved to pity, saying, "This is your place until you get it together" my alternative would have been a homeless shelter.

Admittedly, it has been a long time since I have been jobless or without resources but I think those experiences are what grew all the soft spots in my heart.  I think people know that, so I meet lots of folks who need stuff -sometimes socks, sometimes just a kind smile.  And I CAN give that to them.

I'm very comfortable in my life today... my little house is warm and I can buy gifts for my nieces and treat friends to dinner and buy any clothes I need or want at the moment the whim strikes.  I went to freakin SPAIN this year!  I look around in wonderment sometimes, puzzling how I got to this lovely place when there were so many chances along the way to fall down and stay down.

But LOVE lifts us all up, right?  It's LOVE that makes us all hug our friends and family tight and make room for them.  It's LOVE that puts the coins in the red kettle, or dishes out the turkey on Thanksgiving, or slips a grungy looking guy a five.  It's LOVE that says, "I will stand with you when you are hopeless and in despair and heading in the wrong direction."  LOVE says, "I will keep pointing toward the light."

That kind of Love lets the whole world know we aren't alone.

Confessions of a Sedentary Fall

2013 was not a year to go down in the books as The Best Year Ever.  However, it did not completely suck, as I was careful to write down all the non-sucky things to remind myself my life is actually pretty damn good.

My assistant, Katrina, and I were chatting today about my back.  She is studying to be a physician's assistant, and her husband is a physical therapist, so she has a rabid interest in these things.

One of the very hardest things for me to do as I try to live a reasonably healthy life is the integration of physical activity since my back has been making a lot of noise.  I actually love to exercise, but over the years I have learned to keep going, even when it hurts.  It's just pain, you know?

My physical therapist about had a stroke when I mentioned I had gone running over the holiday.  I've been told by several health professionals that maybe someday I will be able to run again, but now is not that time.  While I was running, it was awesome... the next day I was hobbling along.  He said, "I am really happy your back felt good enough to go running, but please don't do that again until we get it healed."

Then yesterday I had an AWESOME workout with my trainer... yeah, my back started to hurt a bit during the lunges, but it wasn't bad... and then later I stood stooped for an hour helping actresses with their hair... today, I am hobbling and feeling rather teary.

Katrina gave me the LOOK, the one she usually reserves for me waving goodbye to a deadline, "You're not going to get better if you keep that up!"

"I know, I know!" I said.  "But it is so hard to know when to stop and I have been such a SLUG since August... I hardly work out at all, and PT isn't really calorie burning -it is all these small movements and I have to stop so fast and I'm getting FAT again and my jeans are tight and I'm freaking out!"

"THAT doesn't matter!" she waved her hands.  "Your back matters!  You won't be able to exercise at all if you aren't mobile!  Priorities!  Your back is your priority!  If you gain weight you will lose it when your back is better!  How hard do you think it will be to lose weight if you are stuck in bed because your back is out??"

Then I got the stern I-love-you-but-I-will-smack-you look as she waited for my promise to love my back enough to be aware when it is done with an activity.  She didn't wait long.  She scares me a little.

So, "patience," "compassion" and "awareness" are the words of the month.

Happy Gratitude Expression Day!

Right now I am giving thanks that I am in Baton Rouge and sleeping a lot and eating well and have really lovely meds!  The emergency root canal trauma is past, and I am calm and happy in Creole country!  The hot stone massage and lovely facial contributed to my centeredness.

This morning I decided to go for a walk.  The last couple days have been about traveling and spa-ing and eating and I was feeling really restless.

Off I set into the chill Louisiana morning.  The temperature was the same here as it was in Flagstaff, which is wrong on many levels.  Still, the sun was shining brightly and the breeze was light and invigorating and I longed for that sense of superiority one feels as one is out getting exercise while others are feasting. 

The music was great.  My back was a little achey but as I walked it worked itself out... and I wanted to run.  I went back and forth in my mind... I have been warned to not run for a while until I'm farther along in physical therapy and my lower back is stronger.  But then a really good song came on, and I just had to run.  Had to!

So, I did.  I felt rebellious for about 10 seconds then had to concentrate on breathing.

As much as I have complained about running in the past, I admit there were times I have loved it.  Running along Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago from the Chicago River, around Shedd aquarium and back again was a beautiful run.  Running in Phoenix early one morning and watching the world wake up in purples and reds reminded me of the beauty in every setting, when you look for it.

Running isn't something my body takes to... Asthma interferes, especially in Flagstaff where the altitude and the control burns sometimes conspire to suck the joy out of being outside at all, much less running. My back protests when I push too hard.

But sometimes, everything clicks together in some sort of magical sequence that requires my feet to burst into a run and stay there until my lungs burn and my shirt is soaked with sweat, and yeah, my back is aching but that is nothing compared to the sheer joy of moving through the air.

Sometimes I get mad at my body for not being everything I want it to be, and this morning as the sun shone on my back and my ponytail bobbed against my neck, all I could feel was gratitude for the ability to run.  Not a talent and not something I will ever be good at, but I can do it.  My body has survived so many challenges and has climbed every wall I needed to climb.  There are days coming, just as there have been before, when I will not be able to run... or climb... or walk... and I pray my attitude will not be one of grief and loss but simple gratitude of knowing what it feels like when the breeze is light and fresh and my feet are warm from the ground and the music in my ears is perfect and all is well with the world.

Calms and Storms

I was talking to a former colleague and she said, You were always so fun to work with, and so calm!

I was a bit nonplussed at that statement until she reminded me of the time when an hysterical drug addict came into our little storefront law firm in Indiana, and how I kept my head and just dealt with it and was super calm with her.  Or the time a client was losing her head over the possibility of losing custody of her kids and how quietly I managed the situation.

Okay, I will own being good in a crisis.

Yesterday was not that day.

To be fair to myself, this has been building.  It was a rough day to begin with, and  I've been getting sucker punch after sucker punch lately from Life and yesterday culminated in an emergency root canal.  This was not good news.  I could feel my already stress laden brain panicking as the memory of the severe pain from my last root canal in July came to mind, along with ending up in the hospital and missing a lot of work.

I had a total meltdown at the endodontist's office.  She was very kind and explained that happens a lot, including the asthma attack and throwing up part.  That was very nice of her.  She then wrote me a scrip for Valium.

I had to go to Target and while there realized I was past the point of dealing rationally.  So I got a lot of candy -intending to binge quite frankly.

Once I got home and played with Roxy (shout out to Jayne for taking her to her vet appt while I was getting needles stuck in the roof of my mouth!) and ate dinner, I chilled out a bit.  My cousin Hammie called and we talked.  I baked cookies for my dear friend I am visiting today in Louisiana.  I picked a date to travel to Barcelona in the spring.  I packed my suitcase.  I was a lot calmer.  

Eventually, I had a chat with God and apologized for handling things so badly yesterday.  He said it wasn't a big deal and really I am being too hard on myself.  It was a bad day and crying is good for your skin and also releases stress hormones.  Pretending things are fine when they aren't doesn't really benefit anyone.

So as I walked out to the kitchen this morning, I saw the big bag of candy.  I had forgotten I'd bought all that.  I was right when I realized I was beyond dealing with the day rationally.  It wasn't a rational day.  It required dealing with all the emotions and stress and fear and pain.  It did not require candy.  It required love and friends and crying and some really sweet painkillers.

And today is a brand new day.