It's a swirly thought day.
Had a lovely weekend for the most part. Jayne and I went to Sedona and walked the 5K course so I could get the idea of some huge monstrous hill out of my head, and we were successful at that. I later proceeded to have a complete meltdown at the thought of actually doing the 5K, but Jayne was all sensible and I do feel better.
I also got to see some other friends, like Lori, and have fun on Saturday actually leaving my house, so that was pretty cool.
I joke a lot about my ADHD meds, but I really am on them, and this week, my doc and I decided it was time to make a switch. I've been on adderall for quite a while, but there are newer drugs out there with presumably fewer side effects and they can be more effective.
I popped my first one yesterday. I now know to take them at breakfast and not lunch, because I didn't actually sleep last night. They are supposed to last 12-14 hours, as opposed to my 8 hr adderall. Oh, did they last.
The other thing that happened was I had an anxiety attack somewhere around 6pm. This was new to me, as I'm not really prone to that sort of thing unless someone tries to shove me in a box. And seriously, wouldn't YOU freak out a bit under those circumstances??
There I was chopping veggies for that AWESOME seafood stew I'm getting addicted to, and suddenly this wave of fear washed over me. My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking, my heartbeat escalated. I was rather dumbfounded as my thoughts at that moment had been quite pleasant. I grabbed my stopwatch that has a heart rate monitor on it and measured my heart rate at 120. Hmm, that's not good, since I was just standing there. I sat down, took some deep breaths as my lungs were tightening up in a rather frightening way, all these scary thoughts jumping into my head -things that at a normal time I wouldn't give a second thought to- looming as big as end-of-the-world catastrophes.
So, I knew this wasn't ME, so it had to be the med. I emailed a doctor friend who told me to keep an eye on it and let my prescribing doctor know what happened. I tried to take my mind off of it by returning to stew cooking and reminding myself that nothing at all is actually WRONG. I prayed as I chopped and stirred. Meanwhile, my heart rate slowly dropped back to normal -I stopped checking it when it went below 100. My breathing eased up.
I have a message in to my doctor, so we'll see what's up. It was not an experience I care to repeat.
Still, as I think on it, it does make me think a bit about the nature of fear. I'm reminded again and again in scripture that there is no need for fear or worry. God is with me through all my trials. As the Desiderata, by Max Ehrman, states: Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. (When not drug-induced!)
Ultimately, unwarranted fear is really lies and air. It all LOOKS real, but it's just ghosts. Even an army of ghosts can't actually hurt you.
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation -whom shall I fear? Or what? A big hill? Student loan collectors? Coyotes eating my dog? (Yes, that was a worry that cropped up in my head yesterday!) Looking stupid? Lies and air.
His Love is solid like a mountain.
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