The Long Road Behind

There is a wise old saying, Never look back except to see how far you've come.

I've been feeling a bit disheartened lately. 2011 was such a year of hopeful change and fun for me and I fully expected 2012 to be the same way.  It had all the earmarks of it.  I expected to be at a certain point physically by 2013 -so much so I signed up for a 10K that is in March 2013, certain that I would be able to run the whole thing.  Maybe awfully slowly, but still running.

Well, 2012 turned out to be a year where holding steady was the epitome of success. Sticking with diligent physical activity, showing up for commitments, eating healthy, just dealing, really.  All of that had to be done, and there wasn't really any extra energy (mentally, emotionally, physically) for more progress than that.

So, in trying to see the TRUTH in all of this and not just how I FEEL right now, I spent some time reviewing old posts from 2010 and 2011, and some journals, etc.

Damn, I've come a long way.

Yes, I lost a boatload of weight, but that was really a side effect of everything else that happened.

I learned how to love.  Imperfectly, sometimes broken, sometimes messy, but infused with Grace.  My head made the choice to act as if everything I believed about God was true -His Love, His Mercy, His Healing- until everything else in me caught up with that choice.  In that love I found the forgiveness that released all the anger and hurt that weighed me down for pretty much my whole life.

I learned how to apply that love to everything around me -including me. Also imperfectly, broken and messy and still infused with Grace.  I learned that love means taking good care of what is loved.  For me, that meant learning how to be in my body, learning how to be present in the moment and with the relationships I value, learning how to take good care of my body -learning how to eat, how to exercise, how to rest, how to find joy in something I had always seen as separate and inconvenient and rather distressing.  How to leave space between an action and my reaction.  How to stomp down on darkness.  Learning I do not have the luxury of wallowing in hopelessness.

I learned that His Mercy and Healing do not really rely on me in any way.  It is gift, just like love.  I just have to be open to it.  My worth lies in His infinite Love -not in my productivity or perfection or self-sufficiency.

I learned I am strong and brave and kind and loving and healthy and fun.

I spent so many years trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  It turns out, there ISN'T ANYTHING wrong with me.

I have theme songs every year.  It started out that when I would move (which, on average, was like every 6 months until I hit my mid-30s) what ever was playing on the radio when I arrived in town would be my theme song for however long I lived there.  Now I pick one for each year.  Last year was Jason Gray's Remind Me Who I Am... and God did. "If I'm your Beloved, can you help me believe it...?"

This year, it is You Are I Am by Mercy Me.  It's my heart, in a song.  It finally caught up with my head.

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
Who brought the Son back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am